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FANATIC  4'?m1f Monologue: disciple compared to sports fan

(scene: end table with telephone and remote control)

(sound cue: phone rings)

(enters running, picks up phone)

This better be more important than the football game on channel
fifteen!

(picks up remote, aims at audience back wall, stares at
imaginary TV on audience back wall while talking)

Yes, on television right now! So, make it snappy, because I hate
to watch the game on this small screen.

(half turns as if burned)

Oh! Did you see that?!

(shouts at TV)

What kind of strategy is that! That's the fourth time in a row
that you've run the ball on first down! What kind of coaching is 
that?!

(paces, talks to phone)

Of course I'm upset! It isn't like they don't KNOW the defensive
strategy. Dick McCullum divulged their defensive strategy in his
newspaper column today in the Tribune! Don't these guys read the
newspaper?! Forget the newspaper. Don't the coaches listen to
sports talk radio?! Every caller on Fred Flannery's show talked
about shutting down their ground game! If the fans can see it,
why can't the coaches?!

(half turns as if burned)

Oh! I can't believe it! They ran the ball AGAIN! On the same
side!

(shouts at TV)

Hey, guys, he's only the pro-bowl line-backer over there! Coach!
Just look at the statistics? Can't you SEE the defensive
alignment?! They're using the same alignment as last time!

(half turns as if burned)

Oh! Great! Now they take out the only wide receiver on the team
who can catch the ball. You talk about telegraphing the next
play. Gee, do you think it's going to be a running play?! Hey,
guys, it's third down and twelve! What are those morons 
thinking?

(to phone)

No, of course you don't run the ball on third and twelve!
Haven't you read Mike Ditka's new book? He says the only time
you run the ball on third down with long yardage is....

Well, look at that he's dropping back to throw the ball. They DO
have some brain cells left!

(half turns as if burned)

Oh! Not to the tight end! When you take out your wide receiver,
OF COURSE they're going to double team....

(half turns as if burned)

Interception. What did I tell you?! What did I tell you?!
Alright, here comes a commercial.

(to phone)

Remind me. Why did I call you again?

Oh, you called me. Why did you call me again?

To ask me to go to church with you.

No thanks.

Why not?

Well, frankly, Christians are jerks.

Why?

(changes TV channel)

Because they have a one-track mind... (shouts) Oh, nice pass!
Why can't our team throw the ball like that?!

(to phone)

It IS a commercial. I turned the channel. There's another game 
on channel 17. Where was I? Oh, yes, I was saying that the
Christians have a one-track mind. And they're so opinionated.

Me? Well, I suppose I have opinions too. But they think they're
the only ones who know the truth.

Me? Well, I think I know the truth, because I DO know the truth.

How?

Because I... do a lot of research.

You know, research. I do a lot of reading. I read everything I
can get my hands on.

Well, yes, about sports. But other things too sometimes.

Okay, Christians do too. But I listen to talk radio.

Okay, so they do too. But I base my opinions on quotations by
big name authorities.

Okay, Christians do too. But...

Miracles? Well, no. I don't think my big name authorities have
done any miracles to validate their opinions. But they have a
lot of experience.

Fulfilled prophecies? Well, no. I suppose the closest they come 
to that is the use of statistics. Does the Bible really do 
that?! Does it really predict the future with flawless accuracy?

What do they say about the playoffs?

Nothing. Well, what good are they, then?

(points remote control at audience back wall, pushes button)

Listen, I've got to go. The commercials are all done and I hate
watching the game on this little television.

No, sorry, no church.

Not tomorrow!

Because there's a game on then, that's why. Got to go. Bye.

(hangs up, exits)

What an opinionated jerk, thinking there's something with more
lasting impact than football!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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