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FAMILY2  8'1m4f Christian witness, family values, Holy Spirit

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator. I thought you might like to come along as
I solve this case.

WIFE -- (enters opposite) Are you the detective?

SAM -- The name is Spade. Sam Spade. I'm a private investigator.
In fact, I'm the world's greatest private investigator.

WIFE -- I'm sure.

SAM -- What can I do for you?

WIFE -- I think my husband... I think he might be... I think he
might be seeing...

SAM -- ...Another woman.

WIFE -- He's been acting strangely lately....

SAM -- ...staying out late, going out of town a lot?

WIFE -- No. Just the opposite. He's spending more time at home.
He hasn't missed dinner in weeks. He plays with the kids and
helps them with their homework...

SAM -- ...but he doesn't pay much attention to you?

WIFE -- Actually, he's been spending MORE time with me.

SAM -- And you think this is a problem?

WIFE -- He's covering up something. I just know it. He's never
done this before. He's always been too busy to spend time with
us.

SAM -- So, you think he's getting something on the side and is
paying more attention to you to compensate?

WIFE -- I think so, don't you? (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) I have no idea. But I'm in the
investigation business and my first priority is to make money.
So,... (to wife) Look, I know that you're not going to sleep
well at night if you have suspicions about your husband. It's
better to be safe than sorry. It'll cost you five hundred
dollars to find out one way or another.

WIFE -- (pulls envelope from apron pocket) I was saving this for
our next vacation. But if my suspicions are correct, there might
not be a vacation. Here. (offers envelope, exits)

SAM -- (pockets envelope, turns, strolls, to audience) For your
information, the most likely place for a man to find greener
pastures is at the office. I went down to her husband's place of
employment.

TEMP -- (enters opposite, filing fingernails intently, not
looking up) Welcome to Global Consolidated. How may I help you?

SAM -- I need a little info.

TEMP -- The public relations department is down the hall (nods)
there. Left side.

SAM -- Not that kind of information. I need some information
about a man who works here

TEMP -- The human resources department is down the hall (nods)
there. Right side.

SAM -- Not that kind of information either.

TEMP -- What kind of information did you have in mind?

SAM -- Do you know Bob Johnson?

TEMP -- Sure. He's a supervisor here.

SAM -- Do you know him in the Biblical sense?

TEMP -- What kind of a girl do you think I am?!

SAM -- I meant no offense. I was just wondering if he happened
to strike up any conversations with you recently.

TEMP -- You know, it's odd that you would mention that!

SAM -- How so?

TEMP -- He usually doesn't even look in my direction when he
comes in in the morning. But recently....

SAM -- Uh huh.

TEMP -- Recently, he's been asking me about my kids.

SAM -- Oh.

TEMP -- My kids play soccer with his kids.

SAM -- And the conversation got around to romance?

TEMP -- Are you kidding?! All he talks about is his kids!

SAM -- Oh. Have you seen him chatting up anyone else?

TEMP -- Thelma in bookkeeping.

SAM -- Tell me more about this Thelma.

TEMP -- Her grandson plays soccer too.

SAM -- Oh. That's not the kind of chat I was looking for.

TEMP -- Well, you won't find it here. (exits)

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Rule number two when
looking for a cheater is to follow the smell of alcohol. If you
mix alcohol with ANY activity, it usually leads AWAY from the
straight and narrow. So, I headed down to the local watering
hole frequented by employees of Global Consolidated.

WAITRESS -- (enters opposite carrying beverage tray) Hey,
stranger, I haven't seen you in here before.

SAM -- You're obviously a very observant person.

WAITRESS -- Sure am.

SAM -- What can you tell me about Bob Johnson?

WAITRESS -- Bob Johnson. Haven't seen him here in weeks. Did he
get fired from Global Consolidated or something?

SAM -- I was hoping you could tell me.

WAITRESS -- No idea.

SAM -- What was he like when he used to come in here? Did he,
you know...

WAITRESS -- Nah! He was no lady's man. Always talking business.
Global this. Consolidated that. Didn't drink much. Too busy
talking. You know the type. A company man. How about you? I take
you to be a bourbon on the rocks.

SAM -- No time. I'm on a case.

WAITRESS -- (turns, exits) Your loss, sweety. Maybe next time,
huh?

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Now, I'm down to my last
lead. Rule number three when looking for a cheater is to go
where they play. The perp sometimes finds more than one form of
recreation, if you know what I mean. I made my way to the golf
course that was frequented by my perp.

STARTER -- (enters with clipboard) Sorry, mister, all the tee
times are booked for the rest of the day.

SAM -- Not here to play golf. You know a guy named Bob Johnson?

STARTER -- Quite well.

SAM -- Oh, really?!

STARTER -- Yeah.

SAM -- On the golf course or off?

STARTER -- Both. (shouts to audience) Abernathy foresome.
Abernathy on deck.

SAM -- So, you and Johnson have a thing going, huh?

STARTER -- A thing? (shouts) Abernathy to the first tee, please.

SAM -- Private lessons? If you know what I mean.

STARTER -- You've got to be kidding.

SAM -- But you said ON and OFF of the golf course.

STARTER -- I invited him to my church.

SAM -- To your church.

STARTER -- Yes. That's why he hasn't been HERE as much.

SAM -- I don't understand.

STARTER -- Bob became a Christian.

SAM -- I still don't understand.

STARTER -- Bob Johnson is now a follower of Jesus Christ.

SAM -- (shrugs shoulders)

STARTER -- Bob now values the same things that Jesus values.

SAM -- Like what?

STARTER -- Like family values.

SAM -- So, this guy goes from being a workaholic to...

STARTER -- To loving his family the way Jesus loves his family.

SAM -- Gives up drinking. Cold turkey. How?

STARTER -- When you quit resisting Jesus, the Holy Spirit helps
you with the work of Jesus. (turns, points toward exit, exits)
Listen, I'm sorry, I wish I could...

SAM -- No problem. You were very helpful. (turns, strolls, to
audience) Now, to YOU this may be good news. But to ME this is
bad news. If Bob Johnson had been straying, Mrs Johnson would
have been good for follow-on business, you know, like digging up
pictures and evidence for the divorce court. But....

WIFE -- (enters opposite) Well?! Is he or isn't he?!

SAM -- He isn't.

WIFE -- Oh, thank God!

SAM -- So, you knew!

WIFE -- Knew what?

SAM -- That your husband was a Christian.

WIFE -- You mean that's why he's being so... so nice? It's not a
cover-up?

SAM -- No. Apparently, it's the Holy Spirit helping your husband
to be a better husband and father. Apparently it's a perk you
get when you stop resisting Jesus.

WIFE -- Oh, then I really CAN thank God!

SAM -- Apparently.

WIFE -- (turns, exits) Well, thank you.

SAM -- (backs away, holds up envelope) Thank you! (turns,
strolls, to audience) Well, now you know how I became known as
the world's greatest private eye. Just a word of advice if
you're thinking of becoming a private eye yourself. Christians
are bad for business. (exits)

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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