BACK

FALSE2   7'1m*f RT: End times: many will claim to be the messiah

(RT == Readers' Theater: requires little or no memorization,
little or no rehearsal. An indefinite number of reporters are
salted throughout the audience.)

BOB -- (enters wearing shabby street clothes, crosses to podium)
Good morning. My name is Bob. The reason I called this press
conference is to announce that I am the long awaited messiah. I
have come back to earth to begin my thousand year reign as king
of the world. To make it possible for the maximum number of
people to worship me, I suggest that the religious leaders here
on earth should rent football stadiums and hockey arenas to
accommodate the large crowds that will undoubtedly show up to
worship me. However, before you make firm reservations, please
call me and make sure that I am available, because I am also
making myself available for prime time television and radio talk
shows. And I expect my calendar to fill up fast. Okay, here's my
phone number....

REPORTER -- Excuse me, Bob. I have a question.

BOB -- You may call me LORD Bob.

REPORTER -- Lord Bob, I have a question.

BOB -- Yes?

REPORTER -- I was lead to believe that the long awaited messiah
would be named Jesus.

BOB -- That's a common misconception, because during my first
visit, I used the name Jesus. But this time I'll be using the
name Bob because it's a little more up to date.

Okay, now, for those of you who want to book me for television
or radio interviews, my phone number is....

REPORTER -- Excuse me, Bob...

BOB -- That's LORD bob...

REPORTER -- Yes, of course. Excuse me, Lord Bob, but can you
tell us when you came down from Heaven?

BOB -- Just now. I just arrived. My calendar is completely
empty. So, if you want to book me for a personal appearance or
an interview, my phone number is...

REPORTER -- Lord Bob, something is not right here.

BOB -- What's not right is that you reporters keep interrupting
me when I'm trying to give out my phone number.

REPORTER -- I just have a comment and a quick question.

BOB -- Very well.

REPORTER -- The Bible says that the messiah will come back down
from Heaven the same way he departed.

BOB -- Yeah, so?

REPORTER -- So, I didn't see you arrive. (turns) Did ANYbody see
Lord Bob come down from Heaven?

ALL -- (loud and in unison) No.

BOB -- Is that supposed to mean something?

REPORTER -- It means that noone saw you come down from Heaven.

BOB -- Well, of course not! I came down incognito. I had
scheduled this press conference and I didn't want people
hounding me for autographs.

REPORTER -- But, the messiah had several witnesses when he
ascended into heaven.

BOB -- Yeah, so?

REPORTER --   So, he promised that when he descended from Heaven
again, he would have several witnesses.

BOB -- Uh huh.

REPORTER -- But nobody saw you come down.

BOB -- I explained that. I changed my mind... because of the
autograph hounds.

REPORTER -- So, you broke your promise.

BOB -- Well, I wouldn't exactly call it breaking my promise.
Call it a change of plans.

REPORTER -- But the messiah never changed his plans EVER before
in history. He always told us exactly what he was going to do
and then he did it exactly as he said he would.

BOB -- Well, I'm the messiah. I can do anything I want, which
includes changing my plans and breaking my promises.

Now, if you want to book me for a personal appearance or an
interview, my phone number is...

REPORTER -- Lord Bob?

BOB -- What is it now? I'm on a tight schedule here. I have
places to go. People to see.

REPORTER -- The messiah would never tell his disciples that he
would do one thing and then do another. I have reason to doubt
that you are the messiah.

BOB -- Listen, I am not only the messiah, I am also the son of
God. I am the ancient of days. Go ahead and ask me how old I am.

REPORTER -- Alright, how old are you?

BOB -- I'm older than the hills. Before Abraham was born, I AM.

REPORTER -- That's easy to say.

BOB -- Why, I knew the Mississippi River when it was just a
creek. I knew the great Himalaya Mountains when they were just
foothills. Guess what Mediterranean pond turned out to be.

REPORTER -- I'm still not impressed.

BOB -- I remember when the Red Sea was only pink. I remember
when the Dead Sea was only sick.

REPORTER -- Pardon me while I yawn.

BOB -- Remember the great Sahara Forest?

REPORTER -- The Sahara is a desert.

BOB -- Yeah, now!

REPORTER -- How do we know you're not just making up all these
things?

BOB -- Because I am not only the Son of God, I am the creator of
the universe. You know the milky way?

REPORTER -- You mean the milky way galaxy?

BOB -- Yeah, I remember when it was much thicker. I called it
the Creamy Way.

REPORTER -- This guy is a fraud!

REPORTER -- What a waste of a press conference!

BOB -- Alright! You asked for it. If you don't list my phone
number in your newspapers, I'm going to throw all of you into
the lake of fire!

REPORTER -- I'm a Christian, I'm not going to the lake of fire.

REPORTER -- Me either.

REPORTER -- Me either.

BOB -- Who told you that?

ALL -- You did!

BOB -- Oh. Alright, let me prove beyond the shadow of a doubt
who I am. Let me write on your wall with my finger, like I did
for Joshua. (steps toward wall)

REPORTER -- That was Daniel!

BOB -- Daniel. I meant Daniel.

REPORTER -- He's a fake!

REPORTER -- No way he's the messiah.

BOB -- Listen, people. This is a really important historic
event. How can you be so negative?

REPORTER -- Because the Bible warns us that as the end times
approach, several people will claim to be the messiah. And you
sure do fit the description.

BOB -- Alright! Now you've gone and made me mad. Just for that,
when I take my flock home to heaven in the rapture, you all get
left behind!

REPORTER -- Jesus said that we have eternal life if we believe
in him, which we do. And he also promised that NOONE can snatch
us out of his hand.

BOB -- He said that? I mean, I said that?

REPORTER -- Yes.

BOB -- Alright, then, you get to come too, but you have to ride
in coach.

REPORTER -- The first shall be last and the last shall be first.

BOB -- Why do you keep quoting the Bible?

REPORTER -- All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for
teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.

BOB -- Is that another Bible verse?

REPORTER -- You ought to know. You wrote it.

BOB -- Oh, yeah, I remember now. The reason I forgot is I wrote
it when I was doing two things at once. That's when I was also
flooding the earth, after Abraham built the ark.

REPORTER -- That was Noah.

BOB -- Noah. I meant Noah.

REPORTER -- What a phony.

REPORTER -- Throw the bum out!

BOB -- (exiting) I'm leaving. I'm leaving. Are you sure you
don't want my phone number?

ALL -- (loud and in unison) NO!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.
http://www.bobsnook.org  email: bob@bobsnook.org

BACK