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ENVY     5'1m1f The distinction between envy vs jealousy

(P.A. system static, pop, pop, static)

EDDY -- (in his late teens, enters with microphone) Okay, 
I think that'll do it. Testing, one, two, three, testing. Okay, 
I think I'm on the air, so here goes. Hi, I'm Eddy and I, like, 
I broke into this broadcast to do an interview. See, my old boss 
fired me before I could really prove myself as a reporter. See, 
and once they fire you, noone will hire you. So, that's why I, 
like, broke into this broadcast. So, if you like this interview, 
hire me, because I'm, like, available. Okay, so, I'd better 
hurry and finish this interview before they find out how I broke 
into the broadcast. Okay, so, I'm Eddy and I'm about to 
interview two identical twins named Envy and Jealousy. So, ah, 
let's bring in our guests) What's your name, please?

ENVY -- (enters alone) My name is Envy.

EDDY -- See, I knew your name already, but I hadda ask you that 
cuz that's what reporters do. Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah, 
your name is Envy. (looks around) Ah. Where's your sister? You 
promised to bring your identical twin sister.

ENVY -- Jealousy? Oh, she wouldn't come.

EDDY -- Oh, man! I broke into this broadcast and everything! 
Okay, okay, no problem. A good reporter always makes the best 
of, like the worst circumstances. So, tell me, Envy, why 
wouldn't your sister Jealousy come to the interview.

ENVY -- Because she's a jerk.

EDDY -- Ah, could you be more, like, specific?

ENVY -- Well, all our lives, Jealousy always had everything, 
even when we were kids. Mom always liked her best. She always 
seemed to have more toys, she got better presents on our 
birthday and at Christmas and graduation. She went to college 
longer than me, she got a better job, she makes more money than 
me, he has a nicer house, she drives a nicer car, and her 
husband is cuter than mine. But does she enjoy those things?

EDDY -- Does she?

ENVY -- Of course, she doesn't. The reason she wouldn't leave home 
tonight is because she's so afraid that someone will take her
stuff. I hate her.

EDDY -- (to audience) This is a real hot interview, dripping 
with emotion. Remember, if you need a reporter, my name is Eddy, 
(to Envy) So, Envy, it sounds like your sister Jealousy is a 
real successful person.

ENVY -- At the rate she's going she'll be right in the dumper 
soon.

EDDY -- Okay, so, ah, tell our viewers why you think Jealousy 
will end up in failure.

ENVY -- Because instead of enjoying all her stuff, she's 
spending all her time guarding and protecting it. She's so 
afraid someone is going to take her stuff that she's miserable. 
I hate her.

EDDY -- (to audience) Okay, okay, so now listen carefully, I'm 
going to ask a penetrating question that could be the climax of 
the interview. It might even end up on the eleven o'clock news. 
(to Envy) So, ah, Envy, it sounds to me like YOU're not a very 
happy person yourself.

ENVY -- How can I be happy? I look around me and I see that 
everybody has more than me: more money, more nice things, better 
relationships, better opportunity. Everything around me reminds 
me how little I have. Like you, for instance. When I look at 
you, do I see tattered blue jeans and a holey T-shirt with 
sneakers so worn that your toes stick out? No. What I see is 
that you have more than me.

EDDY -- (to audience) Excellent. Sound bites for the evening 
news, huh? (to envy) So, ah, Envy, like I don't take offense at 
your description of my attire, because I dress cool. But why do 
you think that I, who am looking for a job as a reporter as we 
speak, have more than you.

ENVY -- You have a TV camera.

EDDY -- A TV camera.

ENVY -- I never had a camera. I always wanted a camera. My 
sister has a video camera, but would she loan me her camera or 
just let me touch it? Noooooo! She won't share anything. So, can 
I borrow your camera?

EDDY -- We're doing an interview, here. Chill out. Okay?

ENVY -- After the interview, then. Can I borrow your camera 
after the interview?

EDDY -- Ah, I'd like to loan it to you, but I kinda borrowed it 
from this TV station I used to work at which shall remain 
nameless for obvious reasons. So, the answer to your question is 
NO.

ENVY -- See? That's what I mean. Everybody has more than me. But 
will anybody loan me anything? Noooo!

(Eddy now speaks in the foreground as Envy rants in the back 
ground, Eddie strolls toward exit, Envy follows)

I don't want very much. But I can't catch a break to save my 
life. Whatever happened to human kindness anyway. Am I asking a 
lot just to share the wealth and happiness of those more 
fortunate than I? I think not.

EDDY -- (to audience) Okay, so, that's the interview. Pretty 
good, huh? A little education, a little human interest. So, just 
remember, if you need a good reporter, my name is Eddy. (exits, 
speak into mike offstage) Okay, so, cover your ears, I'm gonna 
take these wires off the transmitter now. (static pop pop 
static)


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