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EDITORIA 9'1m1f Editorials evaluate the pastor's sermons

ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. He said and I quote: "And 
this is the testimony. God has given us eternal LICE." Now what 
kind of heresy is that? I can tell you unequivocally, I am a 
Christian and I do not have lice. Okay, so I had lice when I was 
in second grade. But that was well before I became a Christian. 
And I know lots of Christians who have never had lice. Besides, 
being a Christian produces peace and joy and love. Those are all 
rewards for those who love Jesus. What kind of reward is LICE?! 
Like, "Hi, welcome to heaven. Here are your eternal lice. They 
will eat your skin and cause you to itch FOREVER?!" What kind of 
a reward is that? Why, even people in the secular world don't 
reward people like that! Can't you just see it?, "And now the 
Academy award for best director goes to Steven Spielberg. And 
and now, Steven, here's your lice?" What is that?! Visualize 
this: "Ronald Reagan, new president of the United States, who 
won the election by a landslide, will now take the oath of 
office and then a thousand lice will be dropped into his 
shorts?" What is this heresy I'm hearing?!

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "God has given 
us eternal LIFE". LIFE with and F, as in Fred.

THELMA -- Oh, so, we won't have to itch and scratch forever?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote.  No temptation has seized 
you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will 
not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you 
are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can 
stand IN YOUR UNDERWEAR. Ladies and gentlemen, I am outraged! 
The mere suggestion that God would resolve our temptation by 
making us stand in our underwear is preposterous! If you're a 
mother and you take your kids to the mall and they ask you, 
"Please, please, please, Mommy, can I have a Mrs Field's 
cookie?!" Do you tell your kids "Temptation has really seized 
you. Now, stand in your underwear"? I think not. If you go to a 
weight watchers meeting and some guy weighs in with a 2 pound 
weight loss, but says "I was really tempted when I went by a 
T.J. Cinnamons the other day." Do you say, "Alright, buddy, 
temptation has really seized you. Out to the parking lot and 
stand in your underwear"?! I think not.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But when you 
are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can 
stand up under it." Meaning you can stand up under the 
temptation.

THELMA -- So, I don't have to go out and replace my holey 
underwear?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "If we confess our sins, 
he is faith and just and will forgive us our sins and PUREE us." 
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you. Does this sound like the 
gracious and merciful God you know? Does the same God who 
forgives sin put the sinner in a blender and turn it on at top 
speed, turning the sinner into moosh? I think not. I personally 
have never been in a Catholic church whose confessional had 
built-in stainless steel blades. Ladies and gentlemen, of all 
the heresies that our pastor has foisted upon his congregation, 
this is the most ridiculous. The Lord our God is a merciful 
father. Can you imagine a father who, after his own beloved 
daughter comes up to him and says, "Daddy, I wet my bed." and he 
says, "Oh, That's okay, my little princess" 
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I ask you, how 
many of us sinners to you think there would be left in this 
world if, when we confessed our sins, the Lord PUREEd us?

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "He will 
forgive us our sins and PURIFY us."

THELMA -- So, I don't have to worry about being PUREEd or 
Frapeed?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Do not let this GOOP of 
the law depart from your mouth. MEDICATE on it day and night." I 
ask you , Ladies and Gentlemen, is our pastor advocating drug 
addiction? What is this medication that our beloved pastor is 
advocating that we scarf down day and night. GOOP? What is GOOP. 
Is this a veiled reference to manna from heaven? Are we as New 
Testament Christians expected to cook up a batch of manna that 
only appeared in the desert for the Hebrews thousands of years 
ago? Or is this GOOP of the law really some confiscated drugs 
that dirty homeless drug junkies shoot up? Are we supposed shoot 
up too? Is that what our beloved pastor is trying to ram down 
our collective throats. Or are we supposed to go to the the 
doctor and ask for a prescription from some miracle drug call 
GOOP? If we are not supposed to let this GOOP depart from our 
mouths, how is this miracle drug supposed to take effect? And 
even if the medication some how takes effect, whatever happened 
to faith healing?  What heresy is this that our pastor is trying 
to force upon our congregation?! 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not let 
this BOOK of the law depart from your mouth. MEDITATE on it day 
and night."

THELMA -- So, there's nothing to shoot up or eat?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "For the wages of sin is 
death, but the gift of God is INTERNAL STRIFE in Christ Jesus 
our Lord." Internal strife?! What nonsense is this?! Now, I ask 
you, if Jesus is the Prince of Peace, is he going to give 
anybody the gift of internal strife? I have never been so 
offended in my whole life! Look, look at Galatians 5:22. It says 
"but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 
kindness, goodness, and faithfulness". Let me repeat that. "But 
the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, 
goodness, and faithfulness" Did you hear anything in there about 
internal strife? What kind of drivel is our pastor trying to 
foist on us this week?! INTERNAL STRIFE?! Maybe the pastor is 
saying that the way you know your country is mostly Christian is 
that it is embroiled in civil war. INTERNAL STRIFE?! The next 
thing our pastor will be selling is that the gift of God is a 
peptic ulcer or a spastic colon. Are we to believe that the mark 
of a Christian can only be witnessed by sigmoid proctoscopy? 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "...the gift of 
God is ETERNAL LIFE."

THELMA -- So, I don't need Maalox?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Just as man is destined 
to TAIWAN and after that to face judgement." Ladies and 
gentlemen, I think our pastor has finally gone round the bend. 
He's over the hill. Are we to believe that we will face 
judgement if we fly over to TAIWAN? What could possibly be so 
bad about Taiwan that we will face judgement by going there? 
Does this mean that I can't wear my T-shirt that was made in 
Taiwan? Do I have to take away all the toys my children play 
with that were made in Taiwan? This statement smacks of racism. 
If our pastor condemns Taiwan today, will he be condemning 
mainland China tomorrow. Can Japan bashing and Korea bashing be 
far behind. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, can we allow our 
pastor, who obviously has a political agenda, attack one of 
America's allies from the pulpit? I think not. I am convinced 
that the best way for evil to succeed is for good men to do 
nothing. Therefore, I will be the first one in line at the 
ticket counter tomorrow to buy an airplane ticket to Taiwan. 
Will I face judgement? I think not.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Just as man is 
destined to DIE ONCE and after that to face judgement."

THELMA -- So, there's no problem if I wear my T-shirt with the 
"made in Taiwan" label?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Yet to all who received 
him, to those who believed HE'S INSANE, he gave the right to 
become the children of God." Look who's calling the kettle 
black. There are those of us who believe that our pastor has 
lost it. Can there be any doubt now? Our pastor is now saying 
that in order to be a Christian, you have to believe that our 
Lord is a raving lunatic. What is this?! Okay, Okay, so maybe 
Jesus did some things that seemed a little nuts, like touching 
dirty ugly people with leprosy.... Yuk. And that parable of the 
ten brides? What is that? I mean, a guy would have to be a real 
stud to marry ten brides at once. But, I digress. My point is 
that Jesus is God and he's allowed to be a little accentric if 
he wants to. Doesn't he? But, INSANE? I resemble that remark. To 
call the creator of the universe INSANE is going a little far. 
And I think we should look around for another pastor before 
he....

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Yet to all who 
received him, to those who believed IN HIS NAME, he gave the 
right to become the children of God."

THELMA -- So, he's not insane?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "For we do not preach 
ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your HERMITS 
for Jesus' sake."  HERMITS?! What, are we supposed to be 
recluses now? Does this mean the new order of the day is "every 
man for himself"? What balderdash! This is just one more example 
of our pastor's slipshod way of dispensing ad hoc theology and 
it's got to stop! Would he have us each check into a cloistered 
monastery and not say another word for decades? Who would preach 
the gospel to the hungry masses? I, for one, am not heading for 
the hills. I will stand here and fight to the last, until this 
heresy is exposed for what it really is! Ladies and gentlemen, 
do not take this lightly. Our pastor would have us isolate 
ourselves from all others and become HERMITS for Jesus' sake. I 
am asking you to sign a petition to have this mad man removed 
before he....

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was ""For we do not 
preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your 
SERVANTS for Jesus' sake."

THELMA -- Servants? Not Hermits?

ANNOUNCER -- Servants. That's right.

THELMA -- Oh. Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Therefore go and make 
disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the 
Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them 
to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with 
you always, to the very end of the age." (pause) Well, what do 
you think of that?

ANNOUNCER -- Think of what? That's exactly what it says in the 
Bible. 

THELMA -- Ladies and gentlemen, can you see how pervasive this 
attack is on the Bible? Our pastor is even fooling our announcer 
now.

ANNOUNCER -- What do you mean he FOOLing me?

THELMA -- Alright, Mr Smarty pants, Okay, so if Jesus really 
said this... if he really said "Shirley I will be with you 
always." What about the rest of us?

ANNOUNCER -- What are you talking about?!

THELMA -- Okay, okay, suppose for just a minute, that Jesus 
really said, "Shirley I will be with you always." Who is this 
person named Shirley? Is Jesus talking about just one person 
named Shirley or is he saying that he will only be with people 
whose name is Shirley? First of all, I looked it up in a 
concordance. I found a woman named Ruth and another named 
Esther. I even found a woman named Priscilla. But I couldn't 
find a single occurrence of the name Shirley. But, regardless, 
why would Jesus say that he would ONLY be with women? That is 
preposterous! It's just another example of our pastor playing 
fast and loss with the Bible. It's time we find ourselves 
another pastor.

ANNOUNCER -- Wait. Wait just a minute.

THELMA -- Do you mind? I'm doing an editorial here.

ANNOUNCER -- Listen. Just listen. Matthew 28:19 and 20 says 
"SURELY I will be with you always". Not "Shirley I will be with 
you always. It's an adverb, not a proper name.

THELMA -- Oh, Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Young men in the same way 
be SUBMERSIVE to those who are older. Clothe yourselves with 
HUMIDITY." Is our pastor now suggesting that we replace our 
church service with a pool party or a water balloon fight? Would 
our pastor dare to suggest that the young men in our church hose 
down the older men? What kind of an example would that be for 
our children, to watch the adults push each other into the pool. 
What is the matter with this church? Has our church canon been 
replace by cannon balls and water canons? What can we expect 
next? Will we be baptizing new believers with squirt guns and 
fire hoses? Has our pastor lost complete control of his senses? 
Hasn't it always been a tradition of the church for the older 
men to baptize the younger men? I suppose if our pastor had his 
way, we'd be sending the teenaged boys to seminary and the older 
men to summer camp. Ladies and gentlemen, this heresy has to 
stop. This idea of making our older men SUBMERSIVE is not only 
foolish, it could be dangerous. What if the old men can't swim? 
And the idea of clothing yourselves with HUMIDITY is absurd at a 
time when our water resources are scarce.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Young men in 
the same way be SUBMISSIVE to those who are older. Clothe 
yourselves with HUMILITY."

THELMA -- So, I won't have to wear my bathing suit to church?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 



ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "But among you there must 
not be even a hint of TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY." Well, Mr Smartypants 
Pastor, I have only three things to say about that, "Picky, 
picky, picky." Our pastor, instead of concentrating on the 
essentials of the faith is now side-tracked on TEXTUAL 
ABNORMALITY: misprints. Talk about majoring on the minors, 
instead of talking about such important topics as confession or 
prayer or grace, our pastor talks about such trivial topics as 
spelling errors. Will I lose my salvation if I use a colon 
instead of a semicolon? Will I burn in the lake of fire for 
using the wrong verb tense? Am I destined for eternal separation 
from the Lord if I forget a comma? I think not. Alright, so 
maybe it's pretty important to copy manuscripts of the Bible 
accurately. After all, they ARE inspired by God himself. But if 
I write a love letter to my honey and sign it with X's and O's 
instead of hugs and kisses, will I be damned to hell? I think 
not. Why, the mere idea that our pastor wastes time on trivia 
like TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY turns my stomach.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But among you 
there must not be even a hint of SEXUAL IMMORALITY."

THELMA -- Oh, so, punctuation errors aren't fatal, eh?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "I can do everything 
through him who gives me STRING." What drivel! What non-sense! 
What poppycock! Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard some stupid 
sermons in my life. But this one takes the cake. What he's 
saying is that if I want to do something for the Lord, I have to 
find someone who will give me STRING. Well, Mr Smartypants 
Pastor, how about a balloon vendor? He gives me string. Can I do 
everything through him? Have you seen some of the puny people 
who sell balloons? How long do you think they'd last in Africa 
preaching to the natives? I once knew a little old lady, must 
have been a hundred and three years old. She saved STRING all 
her life. Every time she got a package in the mail, she'd 
carefully snip off the string and wind it onto this big ball of 
string. By the time she died, that ball of string must have been 
two feet in diameter. Every time I went over to her house I 
always said, I said, "Mabel, that sure is a mighty nice ball off 
string you got there." And you know what she did? She remembered 
that I liked that ball of string. And when she died, she had it 
in her will that I should inherit that big ball of string. Now, 
why am I telling you this story? It's to prove a point. If I can 
do everything through him who gives me STRING, then I should have 
been able to work miracles through that little old lady. But did 
I? No, I did not. Why? Because she's dead. 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "I can do 
everything through him who gives me STRENGTH." He was talking 
about Jesus.

THELMA -- Oh, so I don't have to go fly a kite?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "And my God will KNEAD all 
you MEATS." Ladies and gentlemen, what kind of stupid conclusion 
is this? Where is it mentioned in the Bible that God will 
tenderized you meats? I looked in my concordance under 
tenderizing, kneading, and even beating. Nothing. Nada. Zero. 
Zilch. Zip. Wherever meat is mentioned in the Bible there is 
never mention of beating it, tenderizing it or kneading it. Now, 
if our pastor wants to justify buying a cheap cut of meat and 
beating on until it's tender, let him do it. But, why is he 
wasting our time on Sunday morning on such a narrow and stupid 
topic? The next thing we'll be hearing about on Sunday morning 
is Biblical barbeque techniques. Or how about this one? Let's 
get controversial. Should we salt the meat before or after we 
turn it? Or maybe we should have equal time sermons for those in 
our congregation who are vegetarians. How about a sermon on the 
many serving suggestions of tofu? How ridiculous can you get?! 
Who cares? If our pastor wants to knead his steaks before he 
cooks them, I for one don't care to hear about it. But it is 
utterly ridiculous to think that God himself will KNEAD all your 
MEATS.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "And God will 
MEET all your NEEDS."

THELMA -- Oh, so, he probably won't be talking about tofu 
either?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Because he himself 
suffered when he was TENTED, he is able to help those who are 
being TENTED." Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen some ridiculous 
sermons topics in my life, but this wins the prize. I read 
through all four of the gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, 
and I could not find a single passage in the Bible that supports 
our pastor's contention that Jesus was ever in a tent. So, what 
is our pastor basing his sermon on? The Koran? Okay, Okay, let's 
assume that some non-biblical historian somehow alluded to Jesus 
in a tent. And, granted, a lot of people in Jesus' day lived in 
tents. But hardly anybody in the world today to lives in tents. 
So, why waste a perfectly good sermon on tents. Am I missing 
something here? Or is our pastor underhandedly promoting 
camping? In that case, what's next? A sermon about a weiny 
roasts? How about one on somemores? How about a sermon on 
digging latrines? If this all sounds a little ridiculous to you, 
I urge you to write or call your pastor and tell him that you 
don't care to hear about those who are being tented.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Because he 
himself suffered when he was TEMPTED, he is able to help those 
who are being TEMPTED".

THELMA -- TEMPTED not tented?

ANNOUNCER -- That's correct.

THELMA -- Oh, so, so I don't have to buy a back pack?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Therefore there is now no 
COMMENDATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." Well, I have 
just one thing to say to our pastor. (Raspberry) If he doesn't 
think there is any COMMENDATION for those who are in Christ 
Jesus, then exactly what is it when our names are entered into 
the Book of Life? If that's not COMMENDATION, what is? What is 
our pastor looking for? Does he want his name on a theater 
marquee? "Now playing in heaven, Pastor Big Mouth." Or maybe he 
rather have his name in six foot high letters dragging behind 
one of those little piper cubs over the football stadium. I can 
envision it now. "Pastor Wind Bag has been saved."  Or maybe 
he'd rather have his name flashed from the flashcard section at 
half-time. "Yay, Pastor Heresy. Go Pastor Hot Shot." Or maybe 
he'd rather have his name on TV. Yeah, that's it. "And now 
here's the five day forecast. Late night and early morning clouds 
along the coast. Clearing before noon. And Pastor Big Shot will 
finally make it into heaven." For crying out loud! How much more 
COMMENDATION does our ding bat pastor want, anyway?

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Therefore 
there is now no CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

THELMA -- Oh, so, I don't need my pom poms?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Do not be overcome by 
evil, but overcome evil with FOOD." Ladies and gentlemen, I ask 
you, what kind of garbage is our pastor feeding us now? Is this 
a new theology? Is our pastor saying that if someone wrongs us, 
we're supposed to give him a TWINKY? If I'm at a party and the 
pastor's wife comes up to me and asks me if I've put on weight, 
am I supposed to offer her a piece of chocolate cheese cake? 
Where is that to be found in the Bible? I ask you. Let's suppose 
for a second that your church gives a banquet and the Pastor's 
wife, who is supposed to read off a complete list of the names 
of all the people who cooked and served the food for the 
banquet. And suppose the pastor's wife just happens to mention 
everybody's name except yours and you worked harder than anybody 
else on the banquet committee. Can you think of anything more 
evil than that? Now, what am I supposed to do with a 
thoughtless, evil woman like that? Am I supposed to offer her a 
plate of lasagne as if nothing happened? And just because his 
wife is an evil, vile woman, our pastor is now telling us to 
overcome evil with FOOD.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not be 
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with GOOD."

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Nevermind. 

ANNOUNCER -- And that's our  for....

THELMA -- Thoughtless, evil woman....

ANNOUNCER -- I believe the quote was "overcome evil with GOOD."

THELMA -- Stick it in your ear, bub. She can get her own 
lasagne.

ANNOUNCER -- Good night, everybody.





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for a critical look at our 
pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with tonight's dissenting 
viewpoint is Thelma Fogey. Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. "Even though I walk 
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will HEAR NO 
EAGLES." Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think our pastor's own 
words have finally condemned him. If YOU are walking through the 
valley of the the shadow of death are you going to worry about a 
handful of birds? What kind of nonsense is this? Our pastor is 
worried about EAGLES? Why EAGLES? Has our pastor finally lost 
his grip on the gospel and wandered into the arena of endangered 
species? Has he finally gone around the bend and joined those 
left-wing environmentalist wackos, who wear a crown of daisies 
on their heads and dance in circles and sing, (sings) "I'd like 
to sing the world a song and sing in harmony." They make me 
sick! They're all decadent, new age, pantheistic pagans.... tree 
hugging communist pinkos! And our pastor has lowered himself 
into their slimy pit. And why? Was it for the cause of saving 
lost souls? No! It was over a handful of mangey, stinking birds. 
EAGLES. I will HEAR NO EAGLES. Can you believe it?!

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Even though I 
walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will FEAR no 
EVIL."

THELMA -- EVIL? EVIL doesn't have any feathers.

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind.


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