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DRIVING  5'?m2f Humility, communication, listening, love

(scene: a living room or one chair facing audience)

LIZ -- (enters, dejected, slumps into chair, let's head fall
back, sighs)

AMY -- (enters opposite wiping hands on apron) Oh, I didn't know
you were home.

LIZ -- I'm home.

AMY -- I can tell by your tone of voice that you failed your
driving test.

LIZ -- I'm a good driver. How could I fail a lousy driving test?

AMY -- Let me guess. They marked you down for... (counts on
fingers) failing to yield right of way, for failing to signal a
lane change, for failing to keep your mind on the road, and...

LIZ -- (sits straight) How did you know?! Did they call here?

AMY -- No. I just know how you are in conversation and...

LIZ -- Conversation?! What does conversation have to do with my 
driving skills?!

AMY -- A person is not usually one way in one part of his life
and completely different in another part of his life.

LIZ -- That still doesn't explain how you knew that I got marked
down for failing to yield the right of way and for failing to
signal a lane change.

AMY -- I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but both your
driving and your conversation are conspicuous by their lack of
humility.

LIZ -- Lack of humility?! I'm the most humble person I know!

AMY -- Like I said.

LIZ -- Alright, I'll admit it. That last statement did lack a
little humility. But... But you don't really think I'm... I mean
you make me sound like I'm... selfish!

AMY -- Like I said.

LIZ -- You can't just get away with calling me selfish! I'm not
selfish!... Am I?

AMY -- Have you ever noticed that when you're in a conversation,
YOU do most of the talking?

LIZ -- I do not. I let other people talk.

AMY -- Did you notice that when I was talking to you on the
phone the other night that I put the phone down for about five
minutes while I went and put a load of laundry into the washer?

LIZ -- You didn't do that! I would have known you did that! You
didn't really.... Did you really do that?

AMY -- Failure to yield the right of way.

LIZ -- You really did that? You put the phone down... I was
talking to myself? For five minutes?

AMY -- By the way, when I came back to the phone, you had
changed the subject completely.

LIZ -- I did?

AMY -- If you had asked me for feedback for permission to change
the subject, you would have known I wasn't even in the room with
the phone.

LIZ -- I can't believe you would put the phone down and let me
talk to myself... for five minutes. That's rude.

AMY -- As rude as changing lanes without signaling?

LIZ -- I do that sometimes, don't I?

AMY -- Do what? Change lanes without signaling or change the
subject without asking for permission?

LIZ -- Both, I suppose.

AMY -- Both of them are caused by absentmindedness, which is why 
you were also marked down for failure to keep your mind on the 
road. Did you carry on a conversation with the tester?

LIZ -- Well, of course! It's boring when you just... Oh.

AMY -- What's the matter?

LIZ -- I can't even remember what we were talking about.

AMY -- What WE were talking about?

LIZ -- He wasn't talking. He was just marking me down like
crazy. You know, I've got to stop doing that!

AMY -- What, driving?

LIZ -- No. Being so thoughtless. I say the first thing that
comes into my head. I just assume the person I'm talking to will
be enthralled with my witty repartee.

AMY -- Do you mean it?

LIZ -- I'm a really bad listener. Who wants to talk to someone
who doesn't listen? That's not a conversation. That's a lecture.
No wonder you put the phone down and left the room. I didn't
even ask you if you were interested in what I was talking about.

AMY -- I think there's hope for you yet.

LIZ -- Listen, do you have time to help me practice?

AMY -- Practice what? Your driving skills or your conversation
skills? (follows Liz for two sentences, then exits opposite)

LIZ -- Both. Come on. (exiting) No time like the present. By the
way, I've got to tell you about this guy who did my driving
test. He wore this old raggedy tie that looked twenty years old.
You could tell what he had for lunch for the last three months
by looking at the stains on his tie. And he had thick glasses.
They looked like the bottoms of coke bottles. And... (reenters,
crosses) Where did she go? Oh.  I did it again. Failure to yield
the right of way. (shouts, exiting toward Amy) I get the point,
Amy! Can we start over?

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