DISCOUNT 2'5m2f Salvation at a discount

Scene: A one-minute TV commercial.  Cal appears alone first, 
later is joined by a parade of sinners.  Hand props only, no 
furniture or sets.

ANNOUNCER - (Tenor voice, excited) Here's Cal Worthington and 
his GOD spot! (Cue music:"If you're a sinner and you know it go 
see Cal")

CAL -(wearing cowboy suit and cowboy hat) Hi, Cal Worthington 
for Cal Worthington Community Church. Friends, through a special 
deal with THE manufacturer, I can offer you believers the LOWEST 
RATES IN TOWN for tithing.  Yes, friends, Worthington Church now 
offers believers 9.9 APR tithing.  The LOWEST tithing TOWN!

           (holds up "9.9% APR" sign)

But, friends, the best news today is for non-believers! We have 
the lowest prices in town for your salvation! Here are just a 
few examples of the bargains you'll find right here at Cal 
Worthington Community Church: Here's a 1943 bank teller who was 
saved from damnation for only $14,995.

(Bank teller enters with a brief case with dollar bills hanging 
out from all edges, holding a "$14995", sign, walks past Cal to 
center stage, faces the audience, smiles and holds up the sign)

Here's a 1959 travel guide who bought his salvation for only 

(Hijacker walks in with several sticks of dynamite and an alarm 
clock strapped to his chest, stands next to the teller, holds up 
a "$9995" sign and smiles.  Teller stops smiling, bends forward 
to see the hijacker's sign, sneers at the audience, then glares 
at Cal)

Here's a 1959 camp director who received complete absolution for 
Only $8995.

(Jason from FRIDAY THE 13TH enters with goalie's mask and axe, 
stands next to hijacker, holds up his "$8995" sign.  Hijacker 
stops smiling, bends forward, looks at Jason's sign, looks at 
the audience, glares at Cal)

Here's a 1965 recreation director who was saved with no down 
payment and easy payment terms.

(Hussy strolls past Cal, they exchange glances, she stands by 
Jason and holds up her sign that says "EASY TERMS".  All three 
of the other sinners take a step forward in unison and look at 
Hussy's sign, look at each other, step back, look at the 
audience with disgust.)

Here's 1939 politician who received-salvation for free, and 
without obligation.

(Politician enters, walks slowly by Cal as Cal discrete- ly 
presses a wad of dollar bills into politician's hand.)

And, friends, due to recent changes in the law, your
contributions to the Cal Worthington Community Church are now 
tax deductible.

(Politician stands by Hussy, holds up his "NO OBLIGATION" sign, 
smiles, Hussy reaches behind him, gooses him, his eyes bug out, 
he rises up on his toes, Teller and Hijacker begin to whisper 

We have deacons standing by the phones right now to take your 
confessions. Cal Worthington Community Church, we're at 2850 
Bellflower Blvd in Long Beach. We have services every night til 
midnight.  Cal Worthington Community Church, well I'll see ya 

(Smiles and points at the audience, freezes)

Offstage - Cut! That's a wrap. (Some of the lights go out)

Teller - How come I have to pay the most?!

Hussy - How did he get by for free. (Points to Politician)

(Jason chases Cal offstage with his axe, while the remaining 
sinners stroll toward exit saying the following lines all at 

Teller - It's not fair that I have to pay the most. They did
that to me at the bank too.  It's just not fair just because I 
have the most money.  I had to work hard for my money.   (Hug 
the brief case)

Hijacker - Hey, what gives here?. I had to pay cash on the
barrel head for my salvation.  This broad gets by with no money 
down & easy payment terms.  I risked my life and limb for what I 
get and what does she risk.

Hussy - If I had known the bottom line price was negotiable I 
would have held out a little bit longer.  I'm just a working 
girl ya know!  I work my fingers to the bone and what do I have 
to show for my trouble?!

Politician - Well, don't blame me.  I didn't go to him, he came
to me.  I thought it was an equitable deal.  It's not like I 
endangered people's lives or anything.  He just made a simple 
campaign contribution, that's all.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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