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DEMONS   5'?m1f Monologue: Spiritual warfare, demon possession

DEMON -- (enters wearing black, dialing cell phone) Yeah, this
is demon 4332. I need to talk to the dispatcher. (pauses) Yeah,
hi, this is demon 4332. I know I just talked to you. But I think
there's been a mistake. Yes, I'm at the church. That's why I'm
calling. The people in this audience are all CHRISTIANS. What do
you mean, what's the problem?! I teach demons how to attack
Christians! What do I have to say to a room full of Christians?!
I think you must have misunderstood... I know this is what you
THINK the boss said, but... Alright. Alright. You're the
dispatcher. I'll give the speech. But if you sent me here by
mistake, I'm telling the boss it was YOU who messed up. (pockets
phone, to audience)

Alright, listen up. You Christians is about to get a rare treat.
We demons never allow ourselves to be seen, especially by
Christians. So what you're about to see is a once-in-a-lifetime
event.

My name is Demon 4332, I usually do training duty. I get demons
ready to fight against the Lord's will on Earth. But for some
reason my dispatcher wants me to give YOU the pep talk I usually
give to the graduating class of new demons. So, here goes.

Alright, listen up, you demons, your training is finished, it's
time to get out there and give 'em Hell! But let me warn you
from the outset that many a fresh-faced demon has been rendered
ineffective in doing his duty by forgetting who he his and
forgetting where he came from. YOU are DEMONS. DEMONS are
angels. Angels are messengers. Did you hear what I said? Angels
are messengers. Don't get all puffed up out there and start
thinking that you can do more than send messages.

(points to two areas of audience) Yeah, I can see it in some of
your faces that you think you have some kind of supernatural
power. Well, forget it! I said forget it! You've got no
supernatural power, you don't even have as much power as the
humans you're being sent out to harass. Did you hear me? I said
you're POWERLESS!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking back to your Bible
studies about all those demon-possessed humans. You think, "Hey,
I can do that! I can take over some human's body and make his
life miserable!"

Well, you can't! So forget it!

(points to two areas of audience) Yeah, I can see it in some of
your faces. You're asking yourselves, "If they did it in the
Bible, why can't "I" do it?!"

The answer is because things are different here. In the ancient
middle east, people WORSHIPPED demons. They invited demons to
dwell in their bodies. (wags finger) Don't forget that your just
a powerless messenger. The only way you're EVER going to get
into somebody's body is if THEY invite you in. Even in the
ancient near east, there weren't that many people stupid enough
to invite one of us in.

But it's even worse than that. (points) YOU demons are being
assigned to a country where hardly anybody worships demons. And
hardly anybody is stupid enough to invite a demon into his body.

But it's even worse than that. YOU demons are going to be
assigned to this church full of people who trust Jesus for their
eternal salvation. Do you know what that means? That means that
their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. That means that
you can't even come close to them.

The only power you have against Christians is your power as a
messenger. BUT.... (wags finger) don't sell yourselves short.
The power of the messenger is the power of lies and deception.
You have the power to get Christians to believe some really wild
ideas. Some of my graduates have some of the Christians
believing that THEY can be "possessed by demons". Or "Oppressed
by demons". They've got them believing that there's a demon of
drinking, a demon of drugs, a demon of gambling, even a demon of
over-eating. They've got these Christians fabricating prayers to
demons, commands to demons, demands of demons even erecting a
hedge against demons! Those Christians have demons on the mind!

So, here's the lesson, fellow demons. If you can get Christians
thinking night and day about demons, real or imaginary, they're 
not thinking about God or their obligations to God. And if 
they're not thinking about God, you have rendered them useless 
to God. And that's our number one goal.

(looks down at pocket, holds up finger)

Oh, my pocket is vibrating. Excuse me a minute.

(removes phone, puts it to ear)

Demon 4332.

(holds phone away from ear)

Hey, pal, you don't have to shout! Calm down.

Oh, it's you, Boss. What's the pr...

Yes, I'm at the church now, just like the dispatcher told me.

But the dispatcher told me to. I even called a second time to
confirm....

It wasn't? Then, what WAS my assignment?

The graduating class assigned to harass this church. That's what
I told the dispatcher, but he insisted.... Listen, Boss, it 
wasn't my fault....

Well, yes, I already started.... Well, I suppose I MAY have
given away a few trade secrets....

(holds phone away from ear)

I'm on my way. 

(pockets phone, forced laugh) 

April Fool! It was all a big joke! Don't you get it?! I was just 
teasing! All that stuff I said about demons... I made it all up. 
(forced laugh) Well, we've all had a good laugh. Listen, got to 
go. Do me a favor will you? Forget everything you just heard. 
Not a word of it was true.

(exiting, phone to ear) Yeah, let me talk to the dispatcher. 
(shouts) You jerk! Do you know what you did to me?!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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