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AWARD    4'?m1f Monologue: evangelism, spiritual warfare

(enters, crosses to podium with sealed envelope in hand)

Fellow demons, I thank you all for coming to the awards banquet
tonight. I think you'll agree with me that until recently we
demons have been fighting a losing battle against the Christians
here on earth. But there is a ray of hope as we recognize the
clever schemes of the best and brightest demons among us
tonight.

In this envelope is the winner of the coveted Monkey Wrench
award, the demon voted most powerful against the forces of
godliness and righteousness. But before I announce the winner,
I'd like to recognize the high quality of work done by the
runner-ups for this year's award. In any other year, both the
second and third place demons would undoubtedly have walked off
with the Golden Monkey Wrench in hand. But this year the
competition for the award reached a new level of excellence.

With that in mind, I give honorable mention to the third place
winner. Through the clever and subtle combination of mechanical
failure and human error, a bus load of Christian missionaries
was silenced before they could bring their message to a foreign
country. I am pleased to announce that in the "accident", 17
Christians lost their lives and another 12 Christians were
hospitalized. Not one of them was able to bring the so-called
"good news" to the unbelievers. To our delight, the demon who
caused this "accident" was also able to put a spin on the news
coverage of this wonderful tragedy. As a result, news
coverage of the crash referred to the victims as tourists,
rather than Christians. All in all this was a beautiful and
thorough job of silencing the Christians. And most important,
noone attributed the accident to us! Well done, demon!

The first runner-up for this year's Monkey Wrench award is a
well-coordinated effort which also made the news. Through a
subtle combination of prime-time television and internet
pornography, a very high-visibility televangelist was toppled
from the air-waves. He not only lost his TV ministry, he also
resigned as pastor of his home church. Best of all, I'm pleased
to announce that 1188 of his viewers who were previously giving
serious thought to making a personal commitment to (points up)
"you-know-who", have now decided that they don't want anything
to do with Christianity or Christians! Great work, demon.

And now, it is with great pleasure that I announce the winner of
this year's Golden Monkey Wrench. This demon has brought the art
of subtlety to a new level. The mere simplicity of his scheme is
so effective and so obvious, it makes us wonder why we never
thought of this before. But good ideas are like that. The
simpler the better. All this demon did was he convinced millions
of existing Christians that it's okay to go to church. It's okay
to put money into the collection plate. It's even okay to go to
Bible study and memorize scripture verses.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, like I did
when I first looked at this scheme, "Who's side is this guy on,
anyway?!" But I'm telling you, demons, this scheme works! And
that's why it won this year's Golden Monkey Wrench award. But,
you're asking, how can a demon get results from telling
Christians that it's okay to do Christian things? Here's how.
After he made all these concessions to Christians, he convinced
them that evangelism and missionary work is not mandatory for
Christians.

Listen, demons, this is a numbers game. There are millions of
Christians out there. If we can get just half of them or even
ten per cent of them to refrain from telling people about
(points up) "you-know-who", we'll prevent hundreds of thousands
or even millions of people from coming to know their creator.

And so, fellow demons, from this day forward, we are no longer
going to settle for the meager results of a bus crash or a plane
crash that only affects a few dozen Christians or the downfall
of a high-profile Christian leader that only affects a few
thousand unbelievers. We're all going to hop on the band wagon
and go after the really big numbers by throwing our monkey
wrench into the Christian machinery. We're going after true
Christian service.

(opening envelope) With that in mind, I now announce the winner
of this year's Golden Monkey Wrench award: (reads) APATHY.

(exiting) Alright, demons, go out there and give them apathy!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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