BACK

ARMOR    7'1m2f Put on the full armor of God

(scene: three chairs side-by-side or couch facing audience, end 
table with phone, candy dish, TV remote control)

EVIL -- (from offstage, knock, knock, knock)

WIFE -- (enters opposite hurriedly, crossing) I'll get it. Are 
you expecting anybody?

HUBBY -- (from offstage) No. I'm not.

WIFE -- I wonder who it could be at this time of night. (reaches 
for imaginary door knob)

EVIL -- (a bag lady, street urchin, or gang member, enters 
before Wife reaches door) It's not polite to keep your guests 
waiting. (looks around with delight, crosses to couch)

WIFE -- (puzzled) Excuse me. Have we met?

EVIL -- Hey, nice digs you got here, lady. I think I'm going to 
like it here. (sits, picks up remote control, turns on imaginary 
TV at audience rear)

WIFE -- (approaches cautiously) Excuse me. I think you may have 
the wrong house.

EVIL -- (changing channels often) Oh, I got the right house, 
alright. You've got cable TV with the premium channels. 

WIFE -- What I'm trying to say is, I don't think you're supposed 
to be here.

EVIL -- What channel is H.B.O.?

WIFE -- Did you hear me? I said I don't think you're supposed to 
be here.

EVIL -- There it is. Oooo! Tonight's feature is a slasher movie! 
I love slasher movies! Lots of blood and gore!

WIFE -- (backs toward Hubby) Honey, can you come out here for a 
minute?

HUBBY -- (enters carrying light bulb, reading its label) Honey, 
do you know if we have any other light bulbs? I need a hundred 
and all we have is sixties. (looks up) Who's this?

WIFE -- I don't know. She just came in uninvited and sat down.

HUBBY -- Excuse me. Who are you?

EVIL -- (picks up candy dish, picks through candies, eats one) 
M&M's! My favorite! I love the red ones. (eats another candy) 
Did you say something?

HUBBY -- Yes. I asked you who you are.

EVIL -- Oh, my name is Evil. (eats another candy) You know, 
there are not very many red ones.

HUBBY -- What do you think you're doing here?

EVIL -- Well, I think I'm sitting here watching this delightful 
slasher movie and eating your M&M's. (digging in dish) Well, it 
looks like I'm not the only one in this house who likes the red 
ones. You got any more M&M's? (stands crosses to far exit)

HUBBY -- Where do you think you're going?

EVIL -- I think the kitchen is this way. There are more M&M's, 
aren't there? (exits)

WIFE -- Yes.
HUBBY -- No.

HUBBY -- (follows Evil slowly) Don't tell her there's more 
M&M's. We want to get rid of her, remember?

WIFE -- (follows) I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie.

HUBBY -- Who does she think she is just waltzing in here and 
eating our candy?!

EVIL -- (reenters, carrying another dish of candy, singing) I 
found some! (crosses by others)

HUBBY -- (follows) Who do you think you are?

EVIL -- (sits, picking through candy, eating occasionally, 
watching TV) I thought we covered that. My name is Evil.

WIFE -- I thought she said her name was Evil. Is that really 
your name?

EVIL -- Yes.

HUBBY -- I don't care what her name is. She's leaving. (stand 
between Evil and TV) You're leaving, now!

EVIL -- I'm sorry, you'll have to move. I can't see the movie. 
(pats couch) Here, have a seat.

WIFE -- (sits) Thank you.

HUBBY -- Don't thank her! This is our house!

WIFE -- (stands) I'm sorry. She's got me so confused. Make her 
leave.

HUBBY -- Listen, if you're not out of this house in 10 seconds, 
I'm calling the police.

EVIL -- Oh, I wouldn't do that.

HUBBY -- Oh, no? Well, just watch me. (picks up phone) 

EVIL -- I'm warning you, you'll be embarrassed when they get 
here. (to wife) Listen, I'm getting kind of thirsty. You 
wouldn't just happen to have any Coke or Pepsi in the frig, 
would you?

WIFE -- (turns to exit) Oh, sure.

HUBBY -- What are you doing? Where are you going?

WIFE -- (turns) She wants a Coke.

HUBBY -- How am I going to get her out of here if you keep 
stuffing her face? 

WIFE -- Oh. I'm sorry. I'm so confused.

HUBBY -- (dials phone) This is ridiculous, I'm calling the cops.

EVIL -- I have that effect on people. You know, you really ought 
to sit and watch. These two teenagers are about to get their 
heads....

HUBBY -- (to phone) ...Hello, I'd like to report an intruder. 
Yes, I'll hold.

EVIL -- (to wife) See, when the police get here they won't see 
an intruder.

WIFE -- Why not?

EVIL -- I'm invisible.

WIFE -- Excuse me?

EVIL -- "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against 
principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the 
darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high 
places."

WIFE -- That's from the Bible, isn't it?

EVIL -- Bingo.

HUBBY -- What's taking these guys so long? Where is a cop when 
you want one?

WIFE -- So, what you're saying is that you're invisible.

EVIL -- I believe I just said that.

WIFE -- And if the police come, they won't be able to see you.

EVIL -- You're a little slow on the uptake, but you've about 
summarized the situation.

WIFE -- So, you're Evil.

EVIL -- (to Hubby) Is she always this dense?

HUBBY -- (to phone) Yes, it's about time! I'd like to... report 
a... a ah... Listen, I'll call you back if I have to... yeah. 
(hangs up, to evil) So, you're Evil.

EVIL -- Is there an echo in here?

HUBBY -- Why did you choose US?

EVIL -- Because YOU fell asleep during the sermon on the armor 
of God.

HUBBY -- The armor of God?! Soldiers haven't worn armor for 
centuries. Armor doesn't apply to us today.

EVIL -- You're both dense. You make a good couple.

HUBBY -- Alright, tell us about the armor of God.

EVIL -- Yeah, right! Like I'm going to tell you how to get rid 
of me.

HUBBY -- Honey, where's our Bible?

WIFE -- I don't know. We put it away somewhere. 

EVIL -- Now you know why I chose this house.

WIFE -- Oh, I remember now! The Word of God is one of the pieces 
of armor!

HUBBY -- Well, the Word of God is the Bible and we've got a 
Bible. That means we've got some of the armor of God.

EVIL -- Well, la de da.

WIFE -- The point of the armor of God is that we have to keep it 
ready for battle. The Bible doesn't do us any good locked up in 
a cabinet somewhere.

HUBBY -- Well, at least we've got a Bible. Why don't you pick on 
people without a Bible?

EVIL -- What would be the point? My job is to make Christians 
ineffective at doing God's work. People without Bibles are no 
threat to us. 

WIFE -- (turns to exit) I think I'll go find the Bible and start 
reading it.

EVIL -- (gasps, coughs)

WIFE -- (turns) Are you alright? (pats Evil's back)

EVIL -- (wheezing) Maybe if you'd just get me a Coke or Pepsi 
from the frig.

HUBBY -- I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to divert 
our attention from finding and reading our Bible. 

WIFE -- You know you really are a despicable person!

EVIL -- (digging through candy) You're half right. I am 
despicable. But I'm not a person. I'm just Evil.

HUBBY -- (exiting) Come on, honey, let's find that Bible and 
prepare our armor of God for battle.

EVIL -- (stands, digging through candy) In that case, I'll just 
let myself out. (exiting) You're all out of red M&M's anyway.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.
http://www.bobsnook.org  email: bob@bobsnook.org

BACK