APPLEEYE 4'2m?f What is the apple of your eye?

PAT -- (wanders on stage backward, looks around)

DOC -- (enters, puts stethoscope to Pat's chest)
       Good morning.

PAT -- Doctor, what are you...

DOC -- Take a deep breath...

PAT -- (Deep breath)
       Doctor, I'm not here to...

DOC -- Deep breath.

PAT -- (deep breath)
       Doctor, there's been a misunderstanding...

DOC -- Very interesting!

PAT -- Doctor, I don't think you... interesting?

DOC -- Very interesting. Do you ever hear voices?

PAT -- Voices? Why no, doctor.

DOC -- Hmmmm. I hear voices.

PAT -- (taps shirt pocket)
        Doctor, your stethoscope is on my Walkman.

DOC -- (clears his throat)
       I knew that.
       (Puts ophthalmoscope in Pat's ear)

PAT -- Doctor, the reason I'm here is...

DOC -- Oh dear! Oh my! Oh no!

PAT -- What is it, Doctor?

DOC -- (shakes the Ophthalmoscope)
       My batteries are dead.

PAT -- (points) Maybe if you just switch it on?

DOC -- (clears throat)
       Yes, well, let's continue.

PAT -- (Holds up three fingers beside other ear)
       How many fingers am I holding up?

DOC -- Three.

PAT -- Good, it's working.

DOC -- Yes. Now the other ear.

PAT -- Doctor, I didn't come in here to...

DOC -- Ahha! Lots of fibrous growth.

PAT -- Doctor, you're looking at the back of my head.

DOC -- I knew that.
       (moves to ear)

PAT -- Doctor, I didn't come in here to have my heart, lungs and
       ears examined.

DOC -- I'm sure I can find something wrong if I look hard enough.

PAT -- No, no. I came to find out about the apple of my eye.

DOC -- You have an apple in your eye?
       (examines Pat's eye)

PAT -- No, I don't have an apple in my eye, I just...

DOC -- Not this eye, anyway. Let's have a look at the other eye.

PAT -- (pushes him away)
       Doctor, I don't have an apple in either eye.

DOC -- Then, let's have a look at your x-rays.

PAT -- X-rays?

DOC -- You know, they're pictures of your insides.
       (holds up and examines xrays)
       Oh, my goodness!

PAT -- What is it doctor?

DOC -- We'd better schedule emergency surgery.
       (picks up phone)

PAT -- Surgery?!

DOC -- Yes. I should also call my travel agent and tell him I can
       afford that trip to Tahiti now.

PAT -- Doctor. There is now way I'm having surgery.

DOC -- (puts down phone)
       Why? Is $5000 too much money for you?

PAT -- $5000?!

DOC -- For $50 I can touch up your xrays.

PAT -- But those aren't even my xrays.

DOC -- The surgery is really a snap. I've seen it done lots of

PAT -- That's it! I'm going somewhere else to ask my question.
       (tries to leave)

DOC -- Question? What question?

PAT -- I came here to ask about the origin of the Biblical
       reference to the apple of my eye.

DOC -- But, I've examined your eyes. There's no fruit of any kind
       in your eyes.

PAT -- I'm not talking about a real apple. It's a figure of
       speech.  It's from Deuteronomy.

DOC -- Well, Ophthalmologist down the hall might answer your

PAT -- Good, thank you.

DOC -- (follows, shouts, exits)
       But he's from northern California.  He's never been to

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.  email: