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VINEYARD 4'*m1f RT: Jezebel commits murder and steals a vineyard

(RT == Readers' Theater: requires little or no memorization,
little or no rehearsal. An indefinite number of reporters are
salted throughout the audience.)

JEZEBEL -- (enters wearing ornate robe, crown, and too much eye
makeup, crosses to podium) Good morning. My name is Jezebel, I
am the wife of Ahab, King of the northern tribes of Israel. The
reason I called this press conference is to announce the
execution of an enemy of this kingdom. His name was Naboth the
Jezreelite.

REPORTER -- Can you tell us what crime Naboth committed that
deserved execution?

JEZEBEL -- Yes. He blasphemed both the God of Israel and the
king of Israel. And, in keeping with Jewish law, he was stoned
to death.

REPORTER -- That doesn't sound like Naboth.

REPORTER -- By all reports I have, Naboth was a godly and
righteous man.

REPORTER -- Naboth was the one who organized the day of fasting.
Why would someone organize a day of fasting and then blaspheme
the God he was honoring during the fast?

JEZEBEL -- You can speculate all you want, but it's too late.
Naboth is dead. That's all I have for now. (turns)

REPORTER -- Naboth was a prominent land owner. Can you tell us
who will inherit his vineyard?

JEZEBEL -- (turns) The vineyard has been confiscated by the
king. That's all I have. (turns)

REPORTER -- It's against Jewish law to confiscate a family's
land or give the land to anyone but his heirs.

JEZEBEL -- (turns) Yes, well, normally, I suppose it would be,
but, in this case, we're dealing with a blasphemer.

REPORTER -- But the law makes no provision for confiscating land
from a blasphemer. The inheritance of land on earth is a symbol
of our inheritance in heaven.

JEZEBEL -- (sings) Too late now.

REPORTER -- This sounds like a swindle to me.

REPORTER -- Me to.

REPORTER -- Your Majesty, did anyone investigate the accusations
brought against Naboth.

JEZEBEL -- Investigate?

REPORTER -- Who made the accusations?

JEZEBEL -- Who?

REPORTER -- Yes. Are the accusers reputable, God-fearing
citizens?

JEZEBEL -- I'm sorry, I can't give you their names.

REPORTER -- Don't you know them?

JEZEBEL -- Well, yes, I know them. But they don't want a lot of
publicity.

REPORTER -- They just accused a man of blasphemy and had him
stoned to death. I would say that they've put themselves into
the spotlight.

JEZEBEL -- Yes, well, my hands are tied.

REPORTER -- Your Majesty, I have in my hands a letter you wrote
to one of the accusers of Naboth, telling him and his friend to
fabricate charges against Naboth in order to confiscate his
land. What do you say about this?

REPORTER -- Is this true?

JEZEBEL -- I deny it categorically.

REPORTER -- Isn't it true that your husband, King Ahab, offered
to by Naboth's vineyard, but Naboth refused?

JEZEBEL -- I deny it categorically.

REPORTER -- So, you're saying that it's just a mere coincidence
that Naboth's land was confiscated immediately after Naboth
refused to sell it?

JEZEBEL -- Coincidence and nothing more.

REPORTER -- Is it true that Elijah the prophet came to visit
King Ahab after the confiscation?

JEZEBEL -- Coincidence and nothing more.

REPORTER -- What did Elijah say to King Ahab?

JEZEBEL -- I don't think I like where this conversation is
going!

REPORTER -- Isn't it true that Elijah threatened the royal
family with death because you had Naboth murdered and King Ahab
confiscated the land that God gave to Naboth's tribe?

JEZEBEL -- Elijah is a trouble maker. He says a lot of things to
stir the pot.

REPORTER -- Isn't it true that King Ahab repented, so God
delayed his judgement on the royal family?

JEZEBEL -- Ahab! Ahab is a spineless jellyfish! It would be just
like him to repent. He's SUPPOSED to be the king of Israel.
While other kings are off fighting wars and winning battles,
Ahab just wants to stay home and work in his garden!

REPORTER -- So, Ahab confiscated the vineyard in order to turn
it into a garden?

JEZEBEL -- Spineless jellyfish. He went to Naboth and BEGGED him
to sell him his vineyard. A king doesn't have to BEG for
anything!

REPORTER -- So, it's true that you had Naboth murdered so that
King Ahab could have a larger garden.

JEZEBEL -- (exiting) I'm not admitting to anything! This press
conference is over!

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