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UPINARMS 5'1m*f RT: Moses and Joshua fend off the Amalekites

(RT == Readers' Theater: requires little or no memorization,
little or no rehearsal. An indefinite number of reporters are
salted throughout the audience.)

JOSHUA -- (enters wearing tunic and sandals, crosses to podium,
unfurls scroll, reads) Good Morning. My name is Joshua Son of
Nun. I am the commander of the Army of Israel. The reason I
called this press conference is to give you an update on our war
with the Amalekites. As many of you know, the Amalekites have
repeatedly denied our requests to pass through their land on the
way to the promised land, but they have also repeatedly
sponsored gorilla raids on the outskirts of our encampment,
killing and injuring innocent civilians, including women and
children. In response, our leader Moses commanded me to assemble
an army and fight the Amalekites. That battle began yesterday
morning and ended at dusk last night with a resounding victory
for the army of Israel. (rolls up scroll) That's all I have.
Thank you for your attention.

REPORTER -- Commander Joshua, is it true that your leader Moses
did not participate in the battle?

JOSHUA -- I don't know where you heard that. But it's completely
untrue.

REPORTER -- But I have eye-witness reports that while you and
your army were crossing swords with the Amalekites, Moses was
sitting on a nearby hill. His only weapon was his walking stick.

JOSHUA -- Your eye-witness is correct. Moses was sitting on the
hill overlooking the battle.

REPORTER -- Then, how can you claim that Moses participated in
the Battle?

JOSHUA -- Because Moses DID participate.

REPORTER -- How can Moses participate if he sat on a hill all
day?

JOSHUA -- Well, for the first half of the day he was standing.

REPORTER -- I still don't see the point.

JOSHUA -- Our original battle plan was to have Moses stand on
the hill with his walking stick in his hands and his arms
outstretched.

REPORTER -- I don't see how that had any affect on the
Amalekites.

JOSHUA -- I don't either. But it worked.

REPORTER -- You're saying that Moses somehow contributed to the
victory  over the Amalekite Army by standing on a hill hundreds
of yards from the battle?

JOSHUA -- That's what I'm saying.

REPORTER -- This sounds a little like superstition. Why not pat
your head and rub your tummy?

REPORTER -- How about "abra cadabra"?

REPORTER -- How about "hokus pokus"?

REPORTER -- Whose hare-brained idea was this anyway?!

JOSHUA -- Actually, it was God's hare-brained idea.

REPORTER -- God? You mean the Lord God of Israel? The creator of
the universe?

JOSHUA -- That's the one.

REPORTER -- I'm sorry. I meant no offense.

REPORTER -- Me either.

REPORTER -- We saw what your god did to the Egyptian Army. He
drowned them in the Red Sea. Are you sure this strategy came
from this same God?

JOSHUA -- Positive.

REPORTER -- What possible significance could there be in Moses
standing on a hill with his arms outstretched?

JOSHUA -- This was the exact pose that Moses used to part the
Red Sea. It was a reminder to our troops that the outcome of our
battle with the Amalekites is in the hands of God, just as it
was with the Egyptians.

REPORTER -- I have eye witness reports that Moses sat down in
the afternoon. Can you confirm that?

JOSHUA -- Yes. Moses is an old man. He grew tired. So, when his
arms grew tired, his brother Aaron and his brother-in-law Hur
stood on either side of him and held his arms up. And when Moses
grew too tired to stand, they rolled a rock under Moses and sat
him down. The important thing was that my men and I could see
the same walking stick that parted the Red Sea. It gave us
confidence that the outcome of this battle would be the same as
that against the Egyptians.

REPORTER -- But how do you know it was the sight of the walking
stick that did the trick and not some other factor?

JOSHUA -- Because at several points during the battle our side
began to be overrun by the enemy. That's when I look up to
Moses, he had dropped his hands. But after resting his arms for
a few minutes Moses raised his arms again and again our army
immediately began to repel the attack. This happen several times
until Aaron and Hur stepped in and help Moses hold his arms up.
It was no fluke, I assure you.

REPORTER -- Commander Moses, when your people left Egypt, they
brought no weapons with them. Where did you get weapons to fight
the Amalekites?

JOSHUA -- Before we left Egypt, those of us who worked as slaves
in palaces and households asked those in charge for donations.
The Egyptians donated gold, silver, bronze and jewelry. We
melted some of the bronze into swords.

REPORTER -- Why would the Egyptians donate ANYTHING to you
Hebrews? Slaves don't deserve wages for their work.

JOSHUA -- The same God who devastated Egypt with ten plagues and
killed their army also softened the hearts of the Egyptians and
made them generous.

REPORTER -- They just gave away their valuables voluntarily?!

JOSHUA -- I'm sure that to the Egyptians after ten plagues had
devastated their country, it seemed like a bribe to get rid of
us. Are there any other questions? (pauses) Speaking of swords,
our men are about to strip the weapons from the dead enemies.
Which means we'll end up with better swords we can use for our
NEXT battle. So, if you'll excuse me...

(exits)

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