SONG     3'1m1f A husband and wife discuss SONG OF SONGS

SHE -- (enters, sits in one of two chairs, opens Bible, reads)

HE --- (enters, hiding Bible, sits, opens Bible subtly) Darling?

SHE -- (without look up) Mmmm? Yes, hun?

HE --- I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to a chariot.

SHE -- So, you think I'm an old nag, huh?

HE --- No, darling, I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

SHE -- Well, try another tack. That one fizzled.

HE --- (opens Bible subtly) My love to me is a sachet of myrrh.

SHE -- Thanks a lot!

HE --- What.

SHE -- (looks up) You think of me as a bag of funeral spices? If 
you think I'm over the hill, just say so. (reads)

HE --- That's not what I meant. Let me try again. (opens Bible 
subtly) You are like a lily among the thorns, like an apple tree 
among the fruitless trees of the forest. Your fruit is sweet to 

SHE -- Well! I like that.

HE --- (opens Bible subtly) Like little foxes that ruin the 
vineyard. Oh, no, let's skip that one. (opens Bible subtly)

SHE -- (looks up) Alright, what are you up to?

HE --- (closes Bible) Nothing. I just wanted to be a little 

SHE -- So, you turned to the Song of Songs in the Bible.

HE --- How did you know?

SHE -- You're not the only one who reads the Bible around here, 
you know.

HE --- Did you know that Solomon had over 700 wives?

SHE -- And several hundred concubines. He had women standing in 
line to marry him.

HE --- So, I figured if it worked for him, it should work for me.

SHE -- Okay, sweetheart, two can play that game. Let's read Song 
of Songs together.

HE --- You go first.

SHE -- (turns pages in Bible) My darling, you are like a 
gazelle, like a stag on the rugged hills.

HE --- Oooo. That was nice. (opens Bible, looks over her 
shoulder) Where did you read that from? 

SHE -- (points) Right here.

HE --- (turns pages) Oh, yeah, here's one. My darling, your 
teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep.

SHE -- Is that good or bad?

HE --- Let me try another one.

SHE -- My turn. (reads) Darling, you are my honeycomb and my 

HE --- Why, thank you, darling. Ah, (reads) your hair is like 
flocks of goats.

SHE -- I just washed my hair!

HE --- Here's one. Ah, (reads) your temples are like halves of 

SHE -- You really know how to put a girl in the mood.

HE --- How come you get all the good ones?

SHE -- (reads) Your legs are strong, like pillars of marble. 
Your arms like cedars of Lebanon.

HE --- (flexes one leg, sits up straight, poses, straining) You 
think so?

SHE -- You don't have to suck in your stomach for me anymore, 
darling. We're married, remember?

HE --- Yeah, that's right, we're married. So, how's about you and 
me, you know... (points offstage)

SHE -- (giggles) Let's read a few more. Your turn.

HE --- (reads) You're like a grove of nuts.

SHE -- (sighs) Oh, darling, how you do sweep me off my feet.

HE --- (reads) Your nose is like the Tower of Lebanon.

SHE -- You're so romantic when you hint that I need plastic 

HE --- (turns pages) There's got to be a good one here 
somewhere. You found some. Do you have a different translation?

SHE -- No. Same as yours. (closes Bible, shows him the cover)

HE --- (reads) If only you were like a brother to me.

SHE -- Excuse me?

HE --- Song of Songs wasn't such a terrific idea after all.

SHE -- (stands) Come on, it's time for bed.

HE --- (stands) You mean it?

SHE -- (moves to exit) Well, it IS bed time.

HE --- (follows) Do you really think my legs are like pillars of 

SHE -- Do you really think my nose is like the tower of Lebanon? 

HE --- You're not going to let this go, are you?

SHE -- (exiting) Not as long as my hair is like a herds of 
goats, buster.

HE --- (exiting) How come it always worked for King Solomon?

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