SIEGE    5'2m0f Elisha is blamed for siege and food shortages

KING --- (snooty, wimpy, enters, begins playing solitaire on
podium, continues playing throughout the scene)

GEEVES - (British butler, enters opposite) I'm sorry to disturb
you, your majesty, but...

KING --- Go away, I'm busy.

GEEVES - I have urgent news for you, your majesty.

KING --- Not now, Geeves, can't you see I'm playing solitaire?

GEEVES - Normally, I wouldn't dare interrupt such important
royal proceedings, your majesty. But I need to report that
Elisha the prophet predicts that the Aramian Army will surround
our city and lay siege to it. He says our city will undergo
great hardship.

KING --- He can't do that!

GEEVES - And why not, your majesty?

KING --- Because I was about to win my first game of solitaire
all day!

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. I understand the hardships a king
endures. Shall we prepare the city for a siege, sir?

KING --- (sneaking a peak at one of the cards) Prepare for a
siege. Good idea, Geeves.

GEEVES - And call out the army, sir?

KING --- Call out the army. Good idea.

GEEVES - And then, shall I prepare a status report for you, sir?

KING --- A status report. Splendid. A king needs a good status
report every once in a while, doesn't he, Geeves?

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. I'll get right to it. (exits,
reenters) Sorry, to disturb your majesty, but I have the status
report you requested, sir.

KING --- (throws down cards) Alright, Geeves, I've lost this
game anyway. What is it?

GEEVES - The Aramian army has surrounded the city and cut off
the food shipments that were on their way to the city this
morning. We'll be out of food in a few days, your majesty, just
as Elisha the prophet predicted.

KING --- Oh, dear. Shall we surrender, Geeves? (moves toward
exit) What color does one wear to a surrender, Geeves?

GEEVES - No need to surrender, your majesty.

KING --- (stops, turns) No?

GEEVES - No, your majesty. The prophet Elisha says the Lord is
on our side.

KING --- Oh.

GEEVES - But, he says our city will undergo a great hardship
during the coming weeks.

KING --- Hardship? You mean I'll have to give up those little
chocolate mints on my pillow every night?

GEEVES - Worse than that, your majesty.

KING --- What could be worse than going to bed without

GEEVES - The prophet Elisha predicts that people will soon be
starving to death.

KING --- Was there anything in his prediction about chocolate

GEEVES - No, I'm sorry, your majesty. (exiting) I'll keep you
posted on any further developments, your majesty. (reenters)

KING --- Geeves, it's been weeks since I last saw you. Where
have you been?

GEEVES - I'm sorry, your majesty, I have been busy scrounging
food for you.

KING --- Scrounging is right. I haven't had a chocolate mint on
my pillow in weeks.

GEEVES - I'm sorry, your majesty, the city has no more food.
People are paying five shekels for a quarter bushel of discarded
seed pods.

KING --- They eat those things?

GEEVES - They do now, sir. And they're paying 80 shekels for a
donkey's head.

KING --- Don't tell me that they actually... (hold stomach)

GEEVES - Yes, sir, I'm afraid it's come to that.

KING --- (exiting) Excuse me, Geeves, I think I'm going to be

GEEVES - (exiting) I'll keep you posted. your majesty.

KING --- (vomits offstage, reenters holding mouth and stomach)

GEEVES - (reenters) More bad news, your majesty.

KING --- How bad?

GEEVES - Worse than before?

KING --- What could be worse that eating donkey heads?

GEEVES - People are now eating their own children, your majesty.

KING --- (gasps, exiting) Don't go away, Geeves, I have
something for you to do. (vomits offstage, reenters holding
mouth and stomach) Geeves, I want you to bring me that prophet
of God named Elisha.

GEEVES - May I ask why, sir?

KING --- I think he is responsible for this siege on our city
and all this starvation. I'm going to cut off his head.

GEEVES - You're going to cut off his head?

KING --- Well, not me myself. It makes me nauseous just to think
about it. But I am going to have somebody cut off his head....
somewhere where I can't see it.

GEEVES - Wouldn't it be better if you asked Elisha to ask God
for help, rather than beheading the only one who can inquire of
the Lord for you?

KING --- Yes, you're right, of course, Geeves. I'm not thinking
straight without my chocolate mints. Go and see if Elisha can
help us out of this situation. If he can't, THEN have him
beheaded... on the other side of town.

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty. I'll get right to it. (exits,
reenters) I have been to see the prophet Elisha, your majesty.

KING --- Well, Geeves, did you have Elisha beheaded? On second
thought, I don't want to know.

GEEVES - No, your majesty. Elisha is still in one piece. And he
says that our city will be completely back to normal by

KING --- Can you really believe that, Geeves? I mean, the city
has been under siege for weeks. And now, when Elisha's facing
death, all of a sudden he prophesies something that will save
his head? Pfff, I'm sure.

GEEVES - Well, we only have one day before we find out, your
majesty. (exiting) I'll report back tomorrow.

KING --- Oh, Geeves?

GEEVES - (stops, turns) Yes, your majesty?

KING --- You wouldn't just happen to have something to eat for a
starving king, would you?

GEEVES - Just a donkey's head, sir.

KING --- (holds stomach, exiting) Thank you, Geeves, but I'm not
hungry anymore.

GEEVES - (exiting) I'll see you tomorrow, your majesty.
(reenters, carrying covered platter) I have news, your majesty.

KING --- (reenters, holding mouth and stomach) Alright, Geeves,
let's set up some ground rules, here. Not one word about
donkey's heads or eating children, alright?

GEEVES - This is good news, your majesty. Not only is King Ben
Hadad and his entire Aramian army gone, but they left in such a
hurry that they left all their food and many of their weapons
behind. It's a veritable mountain of food. It was just as the
Lord God predicted through Elisha: the city is back to normal.

KING --- How could this happen, Geeves? Why would an entire army
leave and not take their food or weapons?

GEEVES - Elisha says the Lord made a huge noise like the thunder
of thousands of horse hooves in the distance. Ben Hadad thought
it was the Egyptian army coming to our rescue, so they fled for
their lives.

KING --- And now we have plenty of food again. Isn't that
wonderful, Geeves? (points at the platter) What's this? Some of
their food?

GEEVES - Yes, sir. I had our troops bring you some of the first
food we plundered from the enemy. It's an Aramian delicacy.
(smiling, exiting) Enjoy your meal, your majesty.

KING --- (lifts cover, slams it back down, holds stomach exits)
Donkey's heads?! (vomits offstage)

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