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RACHEL   5'2m0f Laban tricks Jacob into marrying both daughters

JACOB - (young, naive, enters, looks around, shouts) Uncle 
Laban? Uncle Laban, are you here?

LABAN - (oily, enters opposite) Jacob, my boy!

JACOB - You wanted to see me, Uncle Laban?

LABAN - Yes, Jacob. You've lived with us for over a month now. 
How do you like it here?

JACOB - I like it just fine, Uncle Laban, especially your 
daughter Rachel. Wo! What a babe!

LABAN - So I've noticed.

JACOB - Oh, I've never laid a hand on her, Uncle Laban, I 
swear.

LABAN - I tell you what, Jacob, if you tend my sheep for 7 
years, I'll let you marry... my daughter.

JACOB - Seven years!?

LABAN - Seven years will fly by. You'll see.

JACOB - Yeah, okay. 

LABAN - Shake on it? (offers hand)

JACOB - (shakes) Yeah. Seven years will fly by.

LABAN - Well, what are you waiting for? You have some sheep to 
attend to. (flicks him away)

JACOB - Okay. (to self, exiting) Seven years. (reenters) Well, 
you were right, Uncle Laban, seven years just flew by.

LABAN - It's been seven years already?

JACOB - Well, can I marry your daughter now?

LABAN - Yup, she's in the bedroom. I now pronounce you husband 
and wife. Hit the sack. (points to bedroom)

JACOB - Oh, boy! (exits to bedroom, reenters) Uncle Laban, 
there's been a mistake. I wanted to marry Rachel. That's not 
Rachel in there. That's Leah.

LABAN - Don't be so picky, boy. Leah will bear you many sons.

JACOB - Yeah, but I wanted Rachel.

LABAN - When we shook hands, I promised that you could marry my 
daughter. I didn't say which one. So, Leah is the one you get.

JACOB - Yeah, but Rachel is pretty. Leah is... Leah is...

LABAN - I know she's sort of plain, Jacob, but...

JACOB - I was going to say she ugly.

LABAN - Well, if you think she's ugly now, you should have seen 
her when she was born. The doctor slapped the wrong end. And we 
never knew the difference until she grew teeth. But, Leah is my 
older daughter and you can't marry my younger daughter until my 
older daughter is married off. And it might as well be you who 
marries them both.

JACOB - Oh, man! Not only is she ugly, but she almost as blind 
as a bat.

LABAN - No problem. I was thinking of marrying off both my 
daughters to the farmer down the road. Let's see, what was his 
name again?

JACOB - Alright, I'll marry them both. Where is Rachel?

LABAN - You can worry about her when you get back from your 
honeymoon with Leah.

JACOB - Oh, man!

LABAN - Let's see, what was the name of that farmer down the 
road?

JACOB - (exiting) Alright. I'm on my honeymoon with Leah. 
(reenters) Alright, we're back. Can I marry Rachel now?  

LABAN - Sure. She's in the other bedroom. (points)

JACOB - Alright! (moves toward exit)

LABAN - Not so fast, there, Jacob. 

JACOB - (stops, turns) Huh?

LABAN - We haven't negotiated the deal for Rachel.

JACOB - Deal? What deal? I just worked seven years....

LABAN - That was for Leah. I figure seven more years ought to be 
about the right price for Rachel. What do you think?

JACOB - Oh, man!

LABAN - (shouts) Rachel, go fetch that farmer from down the 
road.

JACOB - Alright. I'll do it. But can I marry her now?

LABAN - Sure, I'm a pushover. Have a nice...

JACOB - ...(yelps, runs to exit)

LABAN - ...honeymoon.

JACOB - (reenters, carrying a baby in a blanket) Hey, that was 
fun.

LABAN - You have a baby already?

JACOB - Well, this is Leah's baby. His name is Reuben. (exiting) 
But Rachel and I will try again. (shouts) Rachel, baby, here I 
come! (reenters, carrying baby) Hi, Uncle Laban.

LABAN - Another baby?

JACOB - Yeah, but this one's Leah's too. His name is Levi, you 
know, like the blue jeans? (exiting) Well, Rachel and I are 
gonna keep on trying. (reenters, carrying baby, less 
enthusiastic) Hi, Uncle Laban.

LABAN - Leah's had ANOTHER baby?

JACOB - Naw, Rachel made me sleep with her maidservant. This 
baby's name is Dan. (exiting) But Rachel and I will try again. 
(reenters looking a little tired, carrying baby) Hi, Uncle 
Laban.

LABAN - This baby looks like Rachel's maid too.

JACOB - It is. His name is Naphtali. (turns back to exit) But 
Rachel wants to keep trying. (reenters more tired, with baby) 
Hello, Uncle Laban.

LABAN - Well, this baby doesn't look like Rachel's maid. But 
then it doesn't look like Rachel either.

JACOB - Leah's maidservant. His name is Gad. E gad. (exits) I 
guess we have to keep trying. (reenters, with baby, tired) I'm 
back.

LABAN - Leah's maid again?

JACOB - Uh huh. His name is Asher.

LABAN - Well, what are you waiting for? Rachel doesn't have a 
baby yet.

JACOB - I'm tired.

LABAN - Get going.

JACOB - (exits) I'm going, I'm going. (reenters, with baby) You 
wanted a baby, here's a baby.

LABAN - Well, at least this baby looks like one of the family.

JACOB - (tired) This one from Leah. His name is Issachar. (sigh) 
Can I please stay here.

LABAN - Out! 

JACOB - Alright. (exits, reenters with baby) Another baby. Big 
surprise.

LABAN - Leah's again?

JACOB - His name is Zebulan. (cries) Please don't make me go.

LABAN - Hey, you were the one who wanted the good looking one. 
Get going. 

JACOB - (exits, crying) I don't wanna go. (reenters exhausted, 
carrying baby) Well, it's a girl, anyway.

LABAN - Well, at least it's something different.

JACOB - Uh huh. Her name is Dinah. 

LABAN - Back at it, boy.

JACOB - Uncle Laban, would it be so bad if...

LABAN - Out.

JACOB - (exiting) Alright, I'm going. (reenters, cheery) Hello, 
Uncle Laban!

LABAN - Well, it looks like God finally smiled down on you.

JACOB - Yes, indeed. Rachel had a baby. His name is Joseph. 
(hands baby to Laban, turns to other exit) Bye.

LABAN - Where are you going? (turns to exit, looks back) Aren't 
you going to stay and celebrate? (exits)

JACOB - (exiting) No, I'm going to get some sleep. 


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