NOAH     4'1m1f Noah breaks the news of the flood to his wife

NOAH -- (jewish father, enters through audience, carrying two 
suitcases, humming and singing to self, climbs to stage)

MRS --  (jewish mother, from back of audience, shouts) Noah? 

NOAH -- (on stage, turns) Oh, oh, here she comes.

MRS --  (shouts) Noah, Noah, where are you?

NOAH -- (puts down suitcases, waves) I'm up here, my love.

MRS --  (approaching stage) So, this is the surprise you've been 
working on for all these years? 

NOAH -- Yes. I call it an ARK. Come on up. (motions her to 

MRS --  (climbing to stage) Wow! It's big. I love the windows 
along the top and the big door. But, frankly, Noah, I don't 
think we need a house this size. Our kids are all grown up. (on 
stage) Hey, wait a minute. I'm 450 years old. If you were 
thinking about getting me pregnant again...

NOAH -- No, no, my sweet. It's not a house. But we will be 
vacationing in here. 

MRS --  So, that's what the suitcases were for? We'll be 
vacationing here? Wow! This is big! Three floors. I like it.

NOAH -- Yup, I built it exactly the way the Lord told me, right 
down to the last cubit.

MRS --  What's a cubit?

NOAH -- Would it mean anything to you if I said 18 inches?

MRS --  No.

NOAH -- Then, nevermind. See all the rooms? You can choose any 
room you want to live in.

MRS --  Why can't we just spread out? Criminy, we must have 
hundreds of rooms here.

NOAH -- Well, sugar dumpling, we're not exactly going to 
vacation here alone.

MRS --  Oh, I get it. So, that's the surprise. Oh, Noah, what a 
great idea! You're opening a hotel!

NOAH -- Well, not exactly, honey pumpkin. See, first the kids 
are moving in....

MRS --  Oh, no you don't! I don't mind Ham and Shem moving back 
in with us, but Japheth's wife is a terrible housekeeper. Inside 
a month, she'll have this place looking like a pig sty.

NOAH -- (softly) You don't know the half of it.

MRS --  What?

NOAH -- Nothing, sugar cookie. So, you'd better find a room that 
suits you. We leave real soon.

MRS -- Leave? I thought you said we were vacationing right 

NOAH -- Well, it's a little hard to explain, sugar lips.

MRS --  Try me.

NOAH -- My ark is really a boat.

MRS --  A boat? What's a boat?

NOAH -- Well, it floats.

MRS --  It floats. What, you mean, like a leaf on the pond in 
our back yard? 

NOAH -- Well, yes.

MRS --  Honey, you're 600 years old. (holds hand to his 
forehead) I think you've finally lost it.

NOAH -- No, no, I'm not crazy. But I don't quite know how to 
explain it.

MRS --  Then, let me explain this. Except for the spring fed 
pond in our back yard, there's no water around here to float on.

NOAH -- Well, that's what I wanted to explain, huggy bear. It's 
going to rain.

MRS --  Rain? What's rain?

NOAH -- Rain, you know. Oh. You don't know. It's never rained on 
earth before. Oh, well.

MRS --  You know, a 600 year old man shouldn't be working in the 
hot sun every day. It'll fry your brain.

NOAH -- There's nothing wrong with my brain, cuddle muffin. Rain 
is water from the sky.

MRS --  (puts arm around him) Why don't you just come back to 
the house and lie down.

NOAH -- There's nothing wrong with me, honey cheeks. God 
invented rain to drown the ungodly people on earth.

MRS --  Well, it's no wonder. 

NOAH -- Huh?

MRS --  Look over there. (points off stage) You no sooner finish 
building your whatchamacallit, when the neighbors start using it 
for storing hay and oats and leaves. Did they ask permission?

NOAH -- Those piles of grain and hay don't belong to the 
neighbors, cuddle nose. They belong to us. It's for food.

MRS --  Well, if you think I'm eating leaves and hay on my 
vacation, Noah, you've got another think coming. (notices 
movement at back of audience)

NOAH -- It's not food for us, sweet lips. (looks where she's 
staring) Are you listening to me?

MRS --  Noah, dear, I don't know how to tell you this, but there 
are wild animals coming this way. Thousands of them. (points)

NOAH -- (picks up suitcases, ushers her toward exit) Well, 
sweetheart, that's going to be a little hard to explain. Why 
don't we just get settled into one of the rooms before they get 

MRS --  (stops) Get here? Wild animals are coming in here?

NOAH -- (ushers her toward exit) They won't be with us long.

MRS --  (exiting) How long? (shouts from exit) A year?!

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