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NAAMAN   6'1m1f Elisha cures Naaman's leprosy, refuses reward

NAAMAN -- (macho man, enters, crosses, stops short of opposite 
exit, shouts) Hello? Is anybody home?

ALICE --- (hussy, enters) I'm sorry, we gave at the office... 
(double take, circles Naaman, eyeing him) Well! Aren't you a big 
boy!

NAAMAN -- I thought the prophet Elisha would be a man. You're 
not a man.

ALICE --- I'm glad you noticed, big guy. You're not so bad 
looking yourself.

NAAMAN -- Well, are you Elisha or not?

ALICE --- Not. (circles him) Say, with shoulders like that, I'll 
bet you're either a wrestler or a shot putter.

NAAMAN -- I'm neither. I'm the commander of King Aram's army. 
Who are you?

ALICE --- (circles him, reaches out, touches him) Well! I've 
heard of you! You're one of the most famous military strategists 
in the world. My mother always said that I would do well do 
marry a soldier. My name is Alice. I'm Elisha's housekeeper. And 
your name is right on the tip of my tongue.

NAAMAN -- Can I talk to Elisha? Right away?

ALICE --- What's your hurry, big fella? Elisha is not nearly as 
good looking as me. So, what was your name again, gorgeous?

NAAMAN -- Naaman. My name is Naaman. Can you please tell him 
I'm here? He's expecting me.

ALICE --- He asked me never to disturb him when he's praying and 
he's praying all day today.

NAAMAN -- But he's expecting me. Listen, this won't take long. 
I'm not going to spend the night or anything. Can you just ask 
him to come to the door?

ALICE --- I can, but he won't come. Sooooo, why don't you and I 
get acquainted?

NAAMAN -- But he's GOT to see me! He promised!

ALICE --- Hey, don't get your shorts in a bunch, big guy. 
Alright, alright, I'll ask him. I'll just tell him Commander 
Naaman is at the door. It might help if I tell him why you're 
here. Do you want him to prophecy your future? He's a prophet, 
you know. He's real good at telling the future. (slide her hand 
up his chest to his neck) Maybe matrimony is in your future...

NAAMAN -- Just tell him I have leprosy.

ALICE --- (pulls back, harsh) On the other hand, marriage isn't 
for everyone. I'll be right back. You stay outside. (exits)

NAAMAN -- (paces, stops, shouts) Elisha! Elisha! If you can hear 
me in there, please come out and cure me.

ALICE --- (reenters) Keep your voice down. Do you want the 
neighbors to know that we've got a leper at our door?

NAAMAN -- Did you tell him I was here? Will he cure my 
(whispers) leprosy?

ALICE --- He says it's a piece of cake. He says the Lord can do 
anything. Say, you should have told me about the leprosy right 
away. I mean, that stuff is contagious, you know...

NAAMAN -- Listen, I hate to be rude, but I drove my chariot a 
hundred miles to get here. When is he coming out here to cure 
me?

ALICE --- Getting a little testy, are we? Alright, Mr high and 
mighty army commander, the boss is still praying, like I said, so 
he won't see you today.

NAAMAN -- (agitated) But how am I going to get cured if he...

ALICE --- Cool your jets. I was coming to that. The boss says to 
go wash yourself in the Jordan River.

NAAMAN -- That's it? That's what I drove a hundred miles for? To 
wash myself in a dirty river. I could have done that back home. 
If fact, the rivers back home are cleaner than the Jordan. 
(turns) I'm out of here.

ALICE --- It's not the washing or the river that will cure you, 
bone head.

NAAMAN -- (stops, turns back) What?

ALICE --- I said, it's not the washing that will cure you. It's 
the obedience.

NAAMAN -- (approaching) What are you talking about?

ALICE --- Obedience. It's how God operates. You do something he 
asks, then he'll do something you ask. Get it?

NAAMAN -- (pauses, sighs)

ALICE --- Would you have preferred to do something tougher, like 
patting you head and rubbing your tummy at the same time? 
(demonstrates)

NAAMAN -- I get your point. Alright, I'll go wash in the Jordan 
River. (turns, crosses)

ALICE --- Seven times.

NAAMAN -- (stops, turns) Seven times!?

ALICE --- Hey, it's your leprosy, if you'd rather pat your head 
and rub your tummy... (turns to exit)

NAAMAN -- Alright, alright, I'll wash, I'll wash exactly seven 
times in the Jordan River. No more, no less. (exiting) I'll see 
you later.

ALICE --- (shouts) Yeah, maybe if you get cured you and I can... 
(aside) Hey, wait a minute. What am I saying? What if he doesn't 
get cured? (exiting) He kills people for a living.

NAAMAN -- (enters, carrying two bags of coins) Hey, you in 
there! Come on out here!

ALICE --- (enters) Hey, listen, Commander Naaman, if you didn't 
get cured, it wasn't my fault.

NAAMAN -- It worked! It worked! My leprosy is gone! Praise the 
Lord God of Israel!

ALICE --- I never had a doubt about it. So, Naaman, baby, how 
about you and me... (slides her hand up his chest and neck)

NAAMAN -- May I see the prophet Elisha? I want to give him this 
gold and silver.

ALICE --- Well, I'm sorry. Elisha doesn't accept gifts for doing 
miracles, but I'm a bit more flexible on the subject. If it's 
gold and silver you're giving away, I'll be glad to take it off 
your hands. I'm sure I can find some needy people to give it to.

NAAMAN -- Alright, then, here you are. (drops the bags in her 
hands, crosses back to exit) See you later.

ALICE --- On the other hand needy people are so... needy. What 
would they do with all this gold and silver, anyway. (turns to 
exit) They'd just blow it on food and clothing. 

NAAMAN -- (reenters with bolt of cloth, crosses) Say, while 
you're giving to the needy, you should probably give this bolt 
of beautiful purple cloth too. (drops cloth across her arms) The 
poor can always use some... (pauses, smile fades, backs away)

ALICE --- What... What's the matter?

NAAMAN -- Oh, nothing. Oh, say, will you look at the time. I 
have to be going. (backs away)

ALICE --- (follows) What. You saw something. What did you see? 
Is it my face? What?

NAAMAN -- (backs away) Listen, I just got rid of MY leprosy. I'd 
better keep my distance.

ALICE --- (follows) leprosy? You mean I've got leprosy?

NAAMAN -- (backs away) Listen, I'm really sorry if your caught 
leprosy from me, but I really have to be going.

ALICE --- (follows) No wait! I didn't catch it from you. 

NAAMAN -- (turns) Are you sure?

ALICE --- Elisha gave it to me for taking gifts from you. Here 
take them back.

NAAMAN -- (backs away, hands up) Right. You want me to touch 
them after you touched them. Well, I have an army to run, some 
battles to win. (exits)

ALICE --- (follows) Wait a minute. I can wash the gold. Or better 
yet, I'll just put it into your chariot for you. You won't have 
to touch it at all. Where are you going? (exits)


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