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MYSISTER 9'3m0f A private-I finds Sarai is not Abe's sister

PHAR -- (Enters wearing blanket over shoulders, remains near
wings, cough, cough, paces floor, sneeze)

SAM --- (brooklyn accent, enters from same wing) You wanted to
see me, Pharaoh?

PHAR -- (hoarse) Yes, my whole family is sick. We never get
sick.

SAM --- I'm afraid your staff brought you da wrong guy, boss.
See, I ain't a doctor. I'm a private investigator. My name is
Spade, Sam Spade. I'm sure you heard of me.

PHAR -- No, I haven't.

SAM --- Oh.

PHAR -- But I needed a private-I and you were the only one who
wasn't booked.

SAM --- Say, listen, I can explain that. I...

PHAR -- I want you to find out who is making us sick.

SAM --- Oh, so you think somebody is slippin' somethin' into
your goblet, huh?

PHAR -- Well, I doubt that that's how he's doing it, but...

SAM --- I catch your drift, Pharaoh, baby. You can
count on me. (turns back to exit)

PHAR -- Why are you going that way? That's the kitchen.

SAM --- I'm gonna go grill your cooks and food handlers until
one of them fesses up to puttin' somethin' in your food.

PHAR -- Well, I can save you the time and trouble. I have
a taster.

SAM --- A what?

PHAR -- A taster, someone who tastes my food before I eat. If
someone was poisoning my food, my food taster would be sick too,
but he's perfectly healthy.

SAM --- Oh, yeah, I knew that. I was just being thorough. So,
your Pharaohship, when did you and your family start gettin'
sick?

PHAR -- The day I married my 300th wife.

SAM --- Ahha!

PHAR -- What.

SAM --- Nothin'. I just think a detective should say that once
in a while to see if something shakes loose. I have one more
question, your Sickness.

PHAR -- Yes, what is it?

SAM --- What's the name of your 300th wife?

PHAR -- Her name is Sarai. And now that you mention it, she's
the only one of my wives who hasn't gotten sick.

SAM --- Ahha!

PHAR -- (sneezes)

SAM --- (wipes Pharaoh's spit off self) Looks like something
shook loose. Tell, me, your sneeziness, does this dame, Sarai,
have any relatives in town?

PHAR -- Her brother, Abram, is living in the outskirts of town
east of here.

SAM --- Pharaoh, baby, you can count on me to get to the bottom
of this.

(turns, crosses, talking to audience) Well, now you see how I
got my first gig working for royalty. And in my customary
efficient manner, I extracted all the pertinent information from
my client and headed to the east side of town.

ABE --- (old Jewish man, enters quietly turns back to Sam)

SAM --- Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find someone
named Abram?

ABE --  (turns) I'm Abram. What can I help you with?

SAM --- My sharp ear for foreign accents tells me you're not
from around here.

ABE --  Why, no I'm from.... Ur.

SAM --- (pause) I'm waiting.

ABE --- For what?

SAM --- You were about to tell me where you were from.

ABE --- I did. Ur.

SAM --- Ur.

SAM --- That's the name of the city. Ur. We moved from Ur to
Canaan. Then, when there was a famine in Canaan, we moved here
to Egypt.

SAM --- We? Who's we?

ABE --  My wife and I. I mean, my sister and I.

SAM --- Yeah, say, this sister of yours, she's the one I wanted
to talk to you about.

ABE --  (alarmed) What about Sarai? Is something wrong?

SAM --- I think she may be connected to the sickness in the
palace.

ABE --  My Sarai?! Is she sick?!

SAM --- Naw, SHE ain't sick, but she's the only one in Pharaoh's
family who ain't. What can you tell me about it.

ABE --  (to quickly) Nothing.

SAM --- Ahha!

ABE --  Alright, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything.

SAM --- (to audience) See, sometimes it works.

ABE --  (looks to audience, then back to Sam) What?

SAM --- Ah, nothin'. I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to
them. (points at audience)

ABE --  Them? (looks at audience, then looks around) There's
noone else here.

SAM --- Nevermind. It's a little hard to explain. Alright,
fella, spill the beans or I'll turn you over to Pharaoh.

ABE --  Alright. I'll tell you. Sarai is not my sister. She's my
wife. The reason Pharaoh is sick is because he married my wife.

SAM --- She's THAT ugly, huh?

ABE --  No, you don't understand. She's very beautiful, so
beautiful, in fact, that I was afraid that if Pharaoh thought
she was my wife he'd kill me so he could have her. So, I lied
and said she was my sister.

SAM --- Ahha!

ABE --  What was that for?

SAM --- I don't know. It worked once. I figured I'd give it
another try.

ABE --  Please don't tell Pharaoh I lied. He'll kill me for
sure.

SAM --- Well, I might cover for you, if you tell me how your
wife is making Pharaoh's whole family sick.

ABE --  Oh, it's not Sarai who's doing that.

SAM --- Who is it then?

ABE --  It's my God.

SAM --- Right. And professional wrestling is legit.

ABE --  I'm telling the truth. My God vowed to me some time ago
that he would bless those who bless me and curse those who curse
me.

SAM --- Well, Pharaoh will never swallow a story like that. I'll
make something up. Meanwhile, pack your bags. I want you out of
here the moment she gets back here. I can't have you around to
contradict my story.

ABE --  Well, I've heard that the famine in Canaan is over.
Perhaps I'll take Sarai back home. (exits)

SAM --- (crosses, talking to audience) On my way back to the
palace I came up with a believable story. Well, two stories,
actually. The first one would explain how this babe Sarai caused
all the sicknesses and the second story explained why my fee is
so high.

PHAR -- (Enters wearing blanket over shoulders, remains near
wings, cough, cough, paces floor, sneeze)

SAM --- Hiya, Pharaoh, baby. I solved your case for you.

PHAR -- Sarai lied and told me she was Abram's sister, when
she's actually his wife, and the God of Abraham took revenge on
me for marrying his wife.

SAM --- And you believe that drivel?!

PHAR -- Yes, so, hit the road.

SAM --- What about my fee?

PHAR -- Well, I solved my own case. You didn't even talk to
Sarai and she was in the next room.

SAM --- Ahha!

PHAR -- What was that for?

SAM --- I knew I forgot somethin'!

PHAR -- Get out. (exits)

SAM --- (backing away) I'm goin', I'm goin'.

(to audience, crossing) I wish I could tell you that this was
the end of the story. But it wasn't. A few years later, when the
economy in Egypt took a downturn, I heard that business was
boomin' in Canaan. (crosses back) So, I picked up and moved
there. Well, I no sooner hung out my shingle, then I got a call
from the king's palace. It was deja vu all over again.

KING -- (enters, remains near wings, paces floor)

SAM --- You wanted to see me, King Abim... King Abima....

KING -- That's Abimelech.

SAM --- Whatever. What can I help you with?

KING -- None of my wives can have babies, not even my servants'
wives can have babies.

SAM --- I'm afraid your staff brought you da wrong guy, boss.
See, I ain't a doctor. I'm a private investigator. Now if one of
your 100 wives is cheating on you, then I'm the man to hire.

KING -- No, you don't understand. My wives were having babies
left and right. Then, all of a sudden, it stopped.

SAM --- Until you up and married some guy's sister, right?

KING -- How did you know?

SAM --- (to audience) I could just smell a fat fee from this
king. That bum Abram had done it to his wife again and I was
gonna cash in on it. But this time I'm gonna learn from my
experience. This time I don't cover for him. And this time I ask
for the money up front.

KING -- Excuse me, who are you talking to?

SAM --- Oh, I'm talking to them. (points to audience)

KING -- Them? (looks around)

SAM --- It's a little hard to explain. Nevermind. Listen, I'll
take the case, but it'll cost you 10 talents, in advance.

KING -- Ten talents!

SAM --- Okay, five.

KING -- Five talents!

SAM --- Okay, one talent, but that's my final offer.

KING -- Alright. Just get rid of this curse.

SAM --- Okay, where's my money?

KING -- You'll get your money AFTER the curse is gone.

SAM --- Oh, man! Okay, okay, where do I find this babe named
Sarai?

KING -- Sarai? I don't know any woman named Sarai.

SAM --- Oh, oh.

KING -- What's the matter?

SAM --- I thought I had a slam dunk here. Can we renegotiate my
fee?

KING -- Get out of here and don't come back until the curse is
gone! (exits)

SAM --- (backs away) Alright, king, baby, don't get your shorts
in a bunch.

(to audience, crossing) I looked in the Canaan phone book for
that Abram guy. And what do you think? Nada. I couldn't figure
it. It was the same M.O. as in Egypt, but I couldn't find either
of the perps. Then it hit me. They're probably using aliases! I
sniffed around town for rich guys with a foreign accent. Sure
enough, Abram was now going under the alias of Abraham. Can you
dig it? Abraham means "father of nations". But the guy didn't
have a single kid. Go figure.

ABE --- (enters, notices Sam, hides face, turns to exit)

SAM --- Not so fast, there, Aby baby.

ABE --- (not turning back) I'm sorry, I have something on the
stove. (exits)

SAM --- Sure, go ahead, leave. I'll just tell the King
EVERYTHING I know.

ABE --- (enters) What do you want?

SAM --- This time your gonna help me make some dough.

ABE --- It wasn't my fault. I was sure the King would kill me
if...

SAM --- ...Save your sob story, buddy. You're gonna fess up to
the king. I'm not covering for you this time.

ABE --- The king will kill me.

SAM --- Naw, this is familiar territory to me now. I'm sure he
won't lay a glove on you. Your little scam caused all his wives
to become sterile.

ABE --- Really?

SAM --- Really. He thinks you have some kind of power over
him. He'll be glad to get rid of you. Now get going. (points
across stage)

(pushes Abe, both cross, Sam talks to audience) I took the
reluctant Abram, alias Abraham, back to the palace with me with
the tinkle of silver coins dancing in my head.

KING -- (Enters, carrying two large bags of silver coins,
remains near wings)

SAM --- Hiya, king, baby, I brought you the culprit. (pushes Abe
toward King)

KING -- Oh, yes, Abraham, here is 1000 talents of silver. (drops
bags in his hands) Now, please remove the curse.

SAM --- 1000 talents?!

KING -- I'm sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused you,
Abraham. You are welcome to build your house anywhere in my the
kingdom free of charge. Now, please remove the curse.

SAM --- Now, there is just the matter of MY fee. Let's see was
that 10 talents?

KING -- You get zip. Out of my palace. (points)

SAM --- We agreed that my fee was one talent.

KING -- I solved the case myself. You never even talked to
Sarah.

SAM --- Ahha! I knew I forgot something! How about a couple of
drachmas for expenses?

KING -- You get bupkis. Out! (exits with arm over Abe's
shoulder, to Abe) Now if there's anything else you need, you
just let me know.

SAM --- (to audience, crossing) So, that's it. Abraham walks
away with an apology and a fortune in silver, but I don't even
get gas money. Who said life is fair? (exits)

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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