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METHUSIL 3'1m1f An interview with the world's oldest man

EVE -- (enters, talks to audience as she works her way to DC) 
This is your roving reporter, Eve Dropper, reporting live via 
our exclusive time-travel minicam from the middle east. I am 
about to interview the oldest man in the Bible, Methuselah.

OLD -- (enters, wobbly, with cane, grey hair, old sweater and 
granny glasses)

EXE -- Good evening, Mr Methuselah.

OLD -- What's so good about it?!

EVE -- Mr Methuselah, we understand that you are 969 years old.

OLD -- Yeah, so what?!

EVE -- Well, that makes you the oldest man in the Bible.

OLD -- Big deal!

EVE -- Mr Methuselah, are you upset about something?

OLD -- Oh, brilliant. What gave you the first clue?

EVE -- Have you suffered a loss?

OLD -- My wife.

EVE -- Oh, I'm sorry, they didn't tell me. When did she die?

OLD -- 314 years ago.

EVE -- Your wife died 314 years ago and you're still upset about 
it?

OLD -- Alright, Miss Congeniality, how congenial do you think 
you'd be after going without sex for 314 years.

EVE -- I see your point. Have you thought about getting 
remarried?

OLD -- You make it sound so easy. But it doesn't work that way.

EVE -- What do you mean?

OLD -- Well, you find in a good woman and wham, 125 years later 
she drops over dead and you have to start over.

EVE -- You've outlived all your wives?

OLD -- Nothing slips by you, does it?

EVE -- Have you tried younger women?

OLD -- My dad married a younger woman and it cost him his life!

EVE -- He died early?

OLD -- Prime of his life.

EVE -- How old was he?

OLD -- Just 365 years olds.

EVE -- Yes, well, Mr Methuselah, summing things up, tell our 
audience: to what do you attribute your own longevity.

OLD -- You married?

EVE -- Excuse me?

OLD -- I asked if you're married, sweet thing.

EVE -- As a matter of fact, no, I'm not married. But we were 
talking about you and your longevity. 

OLD -- Wanna go over to Omar's Deli with be for a little Felafel 
and chicory, baby cakes?

EVE -- Mr Methuselah, can we get back the the discussion at 
hand...

OLD -- You're definitely my kind of woman, love muffin.

EVE -- Ah, umm. Mr Methuselah, to what do you attribute your 
long life?

OLD -- With them hips you could maybe bear me 15 or 20 children 
before I croak, honey lips.

EVE -- Yes, well, about your long life. What's your secret?

OLD -- Optimism.

EVE -- Excuse me? Did you say Optimism?

OLD -- I look forward to things of the future, like you, sweet 
cheeks. (slides hand around her waist)

EVE -- (peels his hand off her, puts microphone into his hand) 
Tells us all about the future Mr Methuselah. (exits quietly)

OLD -- I was thinking of a small wedding. Just five or six 
hundred close friends. Hey, where did she go? (exiting) Sweet 
cheeks, where are you?


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