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JEZEBEL  5'1m1f Jezebel gets land for Ahab, no money down

(scene: bare stage, except podium)

JEZEBEL - (sexy, enters carrying small statue) Ahab, darling, 
I'm home. (looks around, shouts) Oh, King Ahab, your queen is 
home. Where are you?

AHAB ---- (wimp, enters, dejected) I'm here, Jezebel.

JEZEBEL - Ahab, darling, you'll be so happy to know that I 
cheated lots of people out of lots of money today. And those I 
couldn't cheat, I had them killed. Oh, and I found a brand new 
idol to worship today. (holds up statue admiringly) Isn't he 
darling? 

AHAB ---- That's nice, dear.

JEZEBEL - (sets statue on podium) Ahab, darling, is something 
wrong?

AHAB ---- Oh, nothing.

JEZEBEL - Ahab, darling, the people of Israel are counting on 
you to be thoroughly depraved and disgusting. But if you're in a 
mood like that, the best you could possibly be is unlikable. 
Come on now, tell your little Jezebel what's wrong.

AHAB ---- Well, you know I went to visit Naboth today to buy his 
vineyard next to the palace here? (points)

JEZEBEL - Oh, yes! Tell me, darling, did you take him for all he 
was worth?

AHAB ---- Well, I started out being shrewd, just like you taught 
me, love. But he kept saying "the land is not for sale". So, I 
offered him fair market value for it.

JEZEBEL - You didn't.

AHAB ---- I did. But he still wouldn't budge. He said the land 
has been in his family for hundreds of years. 

JEZEBEL - He was just trying to jack up the price, darling.

AHAB ---- That's what I thought too. So, finally, I offered him 
one of my own vineyards in exchange for it. You know, the one 
over in the valley. It's twice as good as his.

JEZEBEL - You didn't.

AHAB ---- I did. But he still wouldn't budge. He said "It's like 
selling a family heirloom."

JEZEBEL - Sooooo. He's a man of principle, heh? I hate people 
like that. You can't buy them off.

AHAB ---- I wanted that land for my vegetable garden, lovey. I 
always wanted a vegetable garden next to my palace. (sulks) And 
now I'll NEVER have a vegetable garden.

JEZEBEL - Oh, yes, you will.

AHAB ---- I will?

JEZEBEL - Of course, you will. You're the most disgusting king 
in the middle east.

AHAB ---- Thank you, dear.

JEZEBEL - You can have anything you want.

AHAB ---- I can?

JEZEBEL - Yes, you can. (picks up pen from podium, writes) 
You're going to call a special meeting tomorrow.

AHAB ---- I am?

JEZEBEL - Yes and you're going to invite Naboth to the meeting.

AHAB ---- Why am I going to do that, Jezebel?

JEZEBEL - Because right in the middle of the meeting, the two 
men sitting on either side of him are going to stand up and 
accuse Naboth of cursing both God and my precious little King 
Ahab. (strokes his face)

AHAB ---- Oh, he would never curse God. He loves God.

JEZEBEL - Shut up. I'm plotting here. (resumes writing) Then, 
they're going to drag him out of the meeting and stone him to 
death. Then you can take possession of the vineyard. How does 
that sound, darling? (folds letter)

AHAB ---- Jezebel, honey, I don't think we should kill him...

JEZEBEL - (shouts) Do you want the vineyard or not?

AHAB ---- Well, sure, but I don't want...

JEZEBEL - Give me your signet ring. (extends hand)

AHAB ---- You want my signet ring? Why do you want my...

JEZEBEL - Just give me the ring!

AHAB ---- Please don't be mad at me, lovey. (removes the ring) 
Here. Here's my royal ring, lovey.

JEZEBEL - Good. (presses the ring to letter) Now I just seal 
this letter with your ring... like... that. And in a few days 
the vineyard will be yours. (picks up letter, holds it high as 
she exits) See you in a few days, Ahab, darling. (reenters 
immediately, without the letter)

AHAB ---- Jezebel! You're home already?

JEZEBEL - We couldn't keep these audience waiting, darling. 
(points to audience) They want to find out how this story ends.

AHAB ---- Oh. Yes, of course. So, several day have passed, 
right, lovely?

JEZEBEL - Right, darling. And you got your new vegetable garden!

AHAB ---- (low key) Yes.

JEZEBEL - Well, why aren't you out there uprooting grape vines, 
Ahab, darling?

AHAB ---- I was working in the vineyard this morning, as soon as 
I heard the news about... your know... poor Naboth, when a 
prophet of God named Elijah came into the garden and scolded me 
for murdering Naboth and stealing his vineyard.

JEZEBEL - So, did you lop off his head?

AHAB ---- No, dear, you already had Naboth stoned to death, 
remember?

JEZEBEL - I'm not talking about Naboth, you nitwit. I'm talking 
about this Elijah. I've had just about enough of his God-talk. 
Did you give the order to have him killed?

AHAB ---- No, dear. I repented in sack cloth and ashes. I don't 
want to be depraved and disgusting anymore.

JEZEBEL - Why would you let Elijah talk you into repenting?

AHAB ---- The Lord told him that if you and we didn't repent, 
the dogs and birds of the air would feed off our dead bodies.

JEZEBEL - And you believed that drivel?!

AHAB ---- Yes, dear, I was about to go to the temple (points to 
exit) and kneel before the Lord and confess my sins when you 
came in. Won't you join me, my darling Jezebel?

JEZEBEL - How am I ever going to pass you off as depraved and 
disgusting, when you keep repenting all the time?! That's it, 
I'm out of here. I have idols to worship and people to maim and 
kill. I don't have time for this. (exits)

(dogs bark, and crows caw offstage)

AHAB ---- (wide-eyed, backs offstage to temple exit) 


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