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HEZEKIAH 5'2m0f King Hezekiah lets the Lord fight the battle

HEZEKIAH - (enters, kneels, bows repeatedly)

GENERAL -- (enters, paces floor DC, wimpy) Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, Oh, dear.

HEZEKIAH - General, will you stop pacing the floor?!

GENERAL -- King Hezekiah, how can you be so calm?

HEZEKIAH - Because the battle belongs to the Lord.

GENERAL -- There must be 200,000 Assyrians out there (points to
audience) I can't just sit around and.... Why are you crawling
around the floor? Is that a new battle tactic?

HEZEKIAH - I'm not crawling around on the floor. I'm praying.
Maybe you should pray too.

GENERAL -- Just give me the word, Hezekiah, and I'll go out
there and mop up the floor with those bozos.

HEZEKIAH - You're not listening to me.

GENERAL -- Let me at 'em.

HEZEKIAH - General, we have turned the battle over to the Lord.
Besides, we're outnumbered five to one.

GENERAL -- Oh, yeah. (crying) We're all going to die! They're
going to squash us like a bug. (runs toward exit)

HEZEKIAH - (stands) General! Get a hold of yourself. The battle
belongs to the Lord. If God is for us who can be against us?

GENERAL -- 200,000 Assyrians, that's who. (musters up courage,
cross to opposite exit) Well, if I'm gonna die I'm gonna die
fighting. Where's my spear? I'm gonna make a shishkabob of those
Assyrians.

HEZEKIAH - General, please! The Lord told us to wait until the
morning.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces) I could make mince meat out of 50 or
60 of them before they knew what hit 'em.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces) I'll climb up one side of 'em and down
the other. When I get through with them, there won't be enough
left to bury.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces) I'll drop-kick them into eternity.
(demonstrates) I'll tear 'em to shreds. They're look like
they've been through a blender.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces, demonstrates) I'll hit 'em so hard
they'll be smiling through the back of their heads. I'll kick
'em in the behind so hard in behind they'll look like they're
wearing shoulder pads.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces, demonstrates) I'll tear off their heads
and spit down theirs necks. Ptooey. I'll hit 'em so hard they'll
end up in a different time zone.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces) I'll slice 'em, I'll dice 'em, I'll
make julian fries out of 'em. I'll hit 'em so hard they see
stars.... up close.

HEZEKIAH - No.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces, holds abdomen) I think I'm going to be
sick.

HEZEKIAH - General, the battle belongs to the Lord.

GENERAL -- (turns, paces) Well, where is he then?

HEZEKIAH - He might be at work out there right now. (points to
audience) Let's open the shutters and see if we can see...
(pantamimes opening shutters toward audience)

GENERAL -- (drops to knees, covers head) No, don't open the
shutters!

HEZEKIAH - General, why are you hiding?

GENERAL -- Me? Hiding? Ah, I'm not hiding. I'm, ah, I'm...
looking for my.... spear. Yeah, that's it, I'm looking for my
spear.

HEZEKIAH - General, come look.

GENERAL -- No, thanks. Where did I put that pesky spear, anyway?

HEZEKIAH - I thought it sounded kind of quiet out there.

GENERAL -- I knew it! They're sneaking up on us. Dear God save
us. Dear God, don't let them hurt us. Dear God, remember I'm
allergic to being stabbed. I want my mommy.

HEZEKIAH - General, you can relax.

GENERAL -- I'm going to die and you want me to relax?

HEZEKIAH - I said you can relax. (points to audience) Look. The
first light of dawn.

GENERAL -- This isn't a trick to get me to increase my faith is
it, Hezekiah?

HEZEKIAH - No. Just come look out the window. The sun is coming
up and you can see them clearly.

GENERAL -- (up on knees) Just remember, Lord, I'm counting on
you. Don't let me down. (stands, looks to audience) Well, what
do you know?! They're all dead! Bodies as far as the eye can
see.

HEZEKIAH - The Angel of the Lord killed them all during the
night.

GENERAL -- Must be almost 200,000 bodies out there!

HEZEKIAH - See? You worried for nothing. Not a soldier of ours
was lost.

GENERAL -- They're all dead!

HEZEKIAH - Yes.

GENERAL -- It's a good thing for the Assyrians that it was just
the Lord who killed them, because if they were still alive I
would have made them suffer. I'd have hit 'em so hard all
there'd be left is a hat and a pair of shoes. I'd have made dog
food out of them. I would have knocked them into tomorrow.

HEZEKIAH - Oh, look, one of them is still alive.

GENERAL -- (ducks and covers head) Dear God don't let him hurt
me!

HEZEKIAH - It's King Sennacherib. He's retreating to Nineveh.

GENERAL -- (stands, punches the air) It's a good thing, too.
Because I would have cooked his goose. I would have fixed his
wagon.

HEZEKIAH - Well, General, I guess we have nothing to do now but
clean up the bodies.

GENERAL -- (moves to exit) You certainly do. Let me know when
you're done.

HEZEKIAH - General, why are you going out the BACK door? Aren't
you going to help us clean up the bodies?

GENERAL -- (exits) Are you kidding? I can't stand the sight of
blood.

HEZEKIAH - (exits opposite, shaking his head)


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