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GOLIATH  4'2m0f David confronts the Philistine giant

(both characters in old West attire, with western accents)

GOLIATH -- (enters, crosses to DL, yells at audience) Alright, 
you yella bellied Hebrews. I'm calling you out again. Come out 
and face me down. Or are you YELLOW?! (pause) I knew it. There 
ain't a real man among you. You know what they're sayin' about 
you Hebrews all over Canaan? They're sayin' that you Hebrews 
ain't got the stones to conquer Canaan. They're sayin' you're 
chicken (chicken chuckling). Do you hear me, Hebrews? I'm sayin' 
you're YELLOW. I'm sayin' you're lily livered cowards. And 
furthermore, you've got a puny little god.

DAVID ---- (child, stands up in audience, works his way up on 
stage, ends up DR) Alright, Goliath, I've heard enough out of 
you.

GOLIATH -- Well, looky here. The only one man enough to face me 
is a boy. What's your name, boy?

DAVID ---- My name is David, Son of Jesse. And I ain't no boy. 
I've been through my bar mitzvah.

GOLIATH -- Well, la de da. (shouts to audience) Well, Hebrews, 
is this how you do battle, by sendin' a boy to do a man's work?

DAVID ---- I told you. I ain't no boy. Don't make me mad.

GOLIATH -- You got me shakin' in my boots, boy.

DAVID ---- I would prefer not to kill you. So, if you'll 
apologize, I won't have to.

GOLIATH -- (laughs) Look at me. I'm scared to death. (shouts) 
Wait till I tell the boys in the saloon about this battle, 
Hebrews. You'll be the laughing stock of Canaan.

DAVID ---- You gonna apologize or do I have to kill you?

GOLIATH -- Apologize? Apologize for what? (shouts to audience) 
Should I apologize for calling you yellow bellied chickens? Or 
should I apologize for calling you lily livered cowards? 
(laughs)

DAVID ---- You should apologize for calling the God of Israel 
puny and little.

GOLIATH -- And why should I?

DAVID ---- He created the world, you know. He opened up the Red 
Sea and let us Hebrews pass, then he drowned the entire Egyptian 
army. And he can do the same to you Philistine too.

GOLIATH -- Well, jeepers, I'm so scared I think I might wet my 
pants.

DAVID ---- So, are you going to apologize? Or am I going to have 
to kill you.

GOLIATH -- How you gonna kill me, boy? You ain't got no side arm.

DAVID ---- No. I couldn't carry a side arm. It was too heavy.

GOLIATH -- Then, what are you gonna do, talk me to death?

DAVID ---- No. I'm going to kill you with this sling shot. 
(pulls sling shot from back pocket, shows it proudly)

GOLIATH -- Golly, gee, if Ida knowed what a arsenal you had, I 
woulda apologized long ago. (laughs) So, what are you gonna 
sling at me, boy? The dreaded lethal acorns? (laughs)

DAVID ---- No, I chose 5 smooth stones. (pulls stones out of 
pocket, shows them)

GOLIATH -- Five smooth stones? Oh, feel how sweaty my arm pits 
is. I am terrible afeared.

DAVID ---- But, I'll only need one stone. The Lord is with me.

GOLIATH -- Oh, the Lord, huh? (shouts) You mean that puny little 
god of yours?

DAVID ---- That's it! Now you've made me mad. It's bad enough 
you insult my people for 40 days in a row. But now you insult my 
God. You have to die.

GOLIATH -- Well, if you're gonna be slingin' stones at me, I'd 
better head for cover. (laughs, slaps thigh)

DAVID ---- You can make fun of me all you want, Goliath, because 
in a minute you're gonna die.

GOLIATH -- In a minute I'm gonna tear your limb from limb and 
feed you to the buzzards.

DAVID ---- (looks up) May the Lord guide this stone to its 
target. (readies sling shot)

GOLIATH -- Alright, boy, on the count of three I'm gonna squash 
you like a bug. (takes a step with each number) 1... 2... 

DAVID ---- (fires sling shot)

GOLIATH -- (slaps and holds forehead, sinks to knees) Anybody 
got a aspirin? I got a headache. (dies)

DAVID ---- (crosses to Goliath, stands with on foot on his back) 
My God ain't no puny god. Right folks? (raises arm in victory, 
motion the audience to join him) Come on, Hebrews, let's defeat 
the Philistines. (exits)


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