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GIDEON   6'2m0f Gideon rides a cab to conquer the Midianites

( SCENE: Four chairs arranged to look like the inside of a car.
CABBIE with one hand on the wheel has a cigarette suspended
from the corner of his mouth. )

GIDEON -- (Enters meekly, tentatively, raises hand) Taxi, taxi.

CABBIE -- Where to, Mack? (opens imaginary door)

GIDEON -- (Struggles into the back seat with a huge clay jar)

The name's Gideon. Take me to Jezreel, and hurry.

CABBIE -- Hey, ain't there a Midianite encampment out there?

GIDEON -- Yeah, that's where I m going.

CABBIE -- (Slams on the brake; they both lurch forward)

Not in my cab you're not! Those guys eat people like us for
lunch.

GIDEON -- Well, actually I'm not going right into the
encampment. I'm meeting some friends of mine on Mt. Gilead.

CABBIE -- Well, alright.

(Steps on the gas; they both lurch back)

Say, what are you and your friends gonna do way out there,
anyway?

GIDEON -- (Sheepishly) We're going to conquer the Midianites
and Amalekites.

CABBIE -- What?! I read in the paper there's over 100,000
Midianites and Amalekites out there. How many soldiers you got?

GIDEON -- (Sheepishly) 300.

CABBIE -- (Laughs) Well, I hope you're heavily insured,
because those guys are gonna squash you like a bug!

GIDEON -- Well, these aren't your average 300 guys. I
handpicked them myself.

CABBIE -- You! You mean you're their leader?!

GIDEON -- Yeah, what's wrong with that?

CABBIE -- (Laughs) You don't even look like a soldier, let
alone an officer. What's your rank?

GIDEON -- Well, you're right. I'm not really a soldier. God
chose me to lead the attack.

CABBIE -- God?! You mean, as in the Lord God Almighty?

GIDEON -- Yes.

CABBIE -- So the all-wise, all-knowing God of the universe
chose you, huh?

GIDEON -- Yes.

CABBIE -- (Laughs) Where'd he find you, anyway? Under a rock?

GIDEON -- In a wine press, actually.

CABBIE -- Stomping grapes, were you?

GIDEON -- Uh, no. Actually I was threshing wheat.

CABBIE -- Threshing. That's where you throw the wheat up in
the air and the wind blows away what you don't want, right?

GIDEON -- Yeah, that's right.

CABBlE -- But there's no wind down in a wine press ...

GIDEON -- Well, at least the Midianites couldn't see me there
and steal my wheat.

CABBIE -- Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're telling me God
Almighty needed someone to whip the Midianites, so He picks
some guy who's so afraid he's hiding out in a hole in the
ground?

GIDEON -- Yeah, that's about right.

CABBIE -- So, I guess the next thing you're gonna tell me is
that you're one of those religious fanatics on a suicide
bombing mission.

(Slams on the brakes, they both lurch forward)

Alright, what's in the flower pot?

GIDEON -- Huh? Oh, a torch and a trumpet.

(Shows the trumpet and torch)

CABBIE -- (Laughs) What're you gonna do, play them to death?

(Steps on the gas, they both lurch back, horn blows, CABBIE
looks to the left)

Same to you, Mack!

GIDEON -- No, it's part of God's plan to conquer the
Midianites and Amalekites. We light our torches, cover them
with the flower pots, then we surround the Midianites and
Amalekites, and at exactly the right time, we all blow our
trumpets and break the flower pots. The big noise draws their
attention. Then, when they see 300 torches surrounding the camp
and think there's 300 legions of soldiers surrounding them.
Then, according to plan, the Midianites will run around in a
state of confusion, pick up their swords and start killing one
another.

CABBIE -- You gotta be kidding me, Mack!

GIDEON -- Uh, the name's Gideon..

CABBIE -- Fella, where'd you get 300 gonzos to volunteer for a
scheme like that?

GIDEON -- I placed a casting call in Variety for "a few good
men".

CABBIE -- Oh, I read about that in the Times--largest casting
call ever. 32,000 guys showed up. So you're that Gideon.

GIDEON -- Yeah, but most of the guys were out-of-work dancers.

As soon as they found out it wasn't a musical, they scampered
on home. And that left 10,000 men.

CABBIE -- Hey, 10,000 is a lot better than 300. What happened
to the others?

GIDEON -- Oh, they didn't pass the test.

CABBIE -- What test?

GIDEON -- Well, I took them down to the river and told them to
drink. 9,700 of them just pushed their faces into the water and
sucked up the water, real macho, you know? I dismissed them
right away.

CABBIE -- Why? Didn't you want method actors?

GIDEON -- Not necessarily. I just had to cut the number to 300.

And that's exactly how many drank by dipping their hands in the
water and drinking out of their hands.

CABBIE -- Sounds like you got a bunch of sissies to me.

GIDEON -- No, they'll be just fine.

CABBIE -- Well, I don't know if I'd like to go into battle
with 300 sissies and no weapons. Sounds like suicide to me.

GIDEON -- This is what God said to do. This is what I'll do.

CABBIE -- Well, it's your neck, Mack.

GIDEON -- Please hurry, I have to be there by the second watch
of the night.

CABBIE -- Say, it's a long way out to Mount Gilead. The last
guy I took out there paid 32 bucks plus tip. I hope you got the
cash.

GIDEON -- If you charged him 32 dollars, then you must have
taken him all the way up to the Triborough Bridge instead of
using the Mount Gilead cutoff. I know what it costs to get out
there, and I brought exactly 19 dollars with me.

CABBIE -- (slams on brakes; they both lurch forward) Oh, no!

Think you're pretty clever, don't you? Well, yeah, normally 19
bucks would get you out there--but I'm talking hazardous duty
pay here. Just 'cause some nut climbs into my cab and says God
told him to go get creamed doesn't mean I gotta drive him there
for free. It's the end of the line for you, Mack. Out.

GIDEON -- Oh, dear. (Gets out of cab)

CABBIE -- Look, Mack...

GIDEON -- It's Gideon.

CABBIE -- Yeah, okay, why don't you take my advice, "Gideon",
and give up this harebrained scheme? Why don't you do something
easy like placing Bibles in hotel rooms.

(Lights out)

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