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COVENANT 4'2m1f The Lord gave Abram circumcision

ABE --  (strolls onstage, rubs belly, speaks over shoulder) That 
was a delicious lunch, Sarai.

SAR --  (enters, sidles up to ABE) So, Abram, wanna go to bed 
and fool around?

ABE --  Sarai, you little dickens. You're acting like a 
60-year-old. You're almost 90.

SAR --  So, that doesn't mean we can't have a little roll in the 
hay.

ABE --  I'm almost 100 years old. The last time we hit the sack 
in the middle of the afternoon I forgot why we were there.

SAR --  But, I reminded you didn't I, honey?

ABE --  Answer the door.

SAR --  Nobody knocked. Are you hearing things?

ABE --  No, I'm a prophet, remember? 

LORD -- (knock, knock, knock)

SAR --  Oh, yes. (moves toward exit) It's probably just a door 
to door salesman. I'll get rid of him. Then you and I can have 
a...

ABE --  (bows from waist toward audience) ...Sarai, honey, it's 
no salesman.

SAR --  (moves toward ABE) Abram, honey, are you alright. Shall 
I get you a Chiropractor?

ABE --  There's nothing wrong with my back, Sarai. The man at 
the door.... That's the Lord God Almighty himself. Bow down. Bow 
down.

SAR --  (bows beside ABE) Abram, honey, I don't know how to tell 
you this, but someone has to open the door.

ABE --  (still bowing and motioning frantically) Yes, yes, 
alright. Hurry and open the door, then come and bow down here 
beside me.

SAR --  (exiting) Well, alright, but I'll tell you right now, 
Abram. I'm not as good at this bowing down stuff as you are 
(reenters immediately, bows next to ABE) Oh, dear.

ABE --  What's the matter?

SAR --  The house is a mess. What will he think?

ABE --  (whispers) Be quiet, let the Lord speak.

LORD -- (Enters) Greetings, Abram and Sarai.

SAR --  Hi there. Say listen. Abram here says that you're the 
Lord God Almighty. Is that true? Are you him?

LORD -- I am the Lord God Almighty. Walk before me blameless.

SAR --  He doesn't ask for much does he?

ABE --  Shshshsh.

SAR --  Sorry.

LORD -- I will confirm my convenant between you and me and I 
will greatly increase your numbers.

SAR --  Abram, do you think a roll in the hay in the middle of 
the afternoon is blameless? I mean, we ARE married.

ABE --  Sarai, be quiet. He's talking.

LORD -- Abram, you will no longer be called Abram. You're name 
will be Abraham.

SAR --  After 75 years of calling him Abram, you want me to call 
him something else? You can't teach an old dog new tricks, you 
know.

ABE --  Sarai, hush.

LORD -- And you, Sarai, you will no longer be called Sarai. Your 
name will be Sarah.

SAR --  Can we move this along a little faster? My back is 
killing me.

ABE --  Sarah!

SAR --  Well, I'm 90 years old. What do you want from me?

LORD -- I will bless you and give you a son.

SAR --  (laughs) Did he say I'll have a son? That's very funny.
(laughs)

ABE --  Sarah, knock it off, you're in the presence of the Lord.

SAR --  (laughs) I can't help it. Have you looked at me lately? 
I have more wrinkles than our dirty laundry and he says I'm 
going to have a baby. (laughs)

ABE --  Sarah, is this any way to honor the Lord, by laughing 
at him?!

SAR --  Okay, okay. I'll stop laughing. (laughs) No, really, 
I'll stop laughing, right now. (laughs)

LORD -- Just for that, you have to call your baby Isaac, which 
means LAUGHTER.

ABE --  Now see what you've done, Sarah!

SAR --  He's kidding, isn't he, Abram. You're kidding aren't 
you, Lord. You wouldn't really hang a name like that on a little 
kid, would you?

ABE --  Sarah! My name is Abraham. And he's not kidding.

SAR --  Then, he must be talking about Ishmael, your son by our 
servant girl, Hagar. He just made a mistake, right?

ABE --  The Lord does not make mistakes, Sarah. Now please be 
quiet.

LORD -- Ishmael will give birth to many nations also, but my 
covenant is not with him. By this time next year, you will have 
your own baby.

SAR --  Sorry, Lord, honey, but we've already tried that. In 
case you didn't know, I've got bad plumbing. And, in case you 
haven't noticed, I'm 90 years old.

ABE --  Sarah! For crying out loud, be quiet. It's going to be a 
miracle.

SAR --  Boy, I'll say. (laughs)

LORD -- As a sign of my covenant with you, you must circumcise 
every male member of your household. 

ABE --  circumcise? What's that? 

SAR --  Let me whisper it in your ear, Abram, honey. 
(whispers) spspspspspspsp.

ABE --  You have to cut the WHAT off my WHAT?

SAR --  (laughs)

LORD -- (exits quietly)

ABE --  Sarah, will you stop laughing! Lord, I apologize for the 
behavior of my wife. Is there any way we can start over? Lord? 
(stands upright, looks around) He's gone. Where did he go?

SAR --  (stands upright) Well, let's roll up our SLEEVES and get 
started on the circumcision, shall we? (laughs, pulls Abe toward 
exit) How do you want to do this, Abram? Shall I take a little 
off the side? (laughs, both exit)

ABE --  (from offstage) Sarah!!


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