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BABYMOS2 9'1m3f Pharaoh's daughter adopts baby Moses

(all characters wear tunics and sandals)

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (carrying hand-basket stacked with apples,
strolls, browses)

SAM -- (follows wearing a fedora, with unlit cigarette in mouth,
notices apples, creeps close, steals an apple when Wife's back
is turned, admires it, quickly pulls apple out of sight when
wife turns back) What are you looking at me for? I didn't do
anything.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- You're Sam Spade, aren't you?

SAM -- Why? Are you a bill collector?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- My husband sent me to this neighborhood to
look for a Sam Spade.

SAM -- Your husband?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes. My husband is the Sheriff of Goshen.

SAM -- The sheriff, you say?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes.

SAM -- He's looking for Sam Spade, you say?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes. Are you Sam Spade?

SAM -- Me? No. I think the person your looking for is down that
way. (points past wife, returns stolen apple to basket when wife
turns her head, turns to exit)

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (turns head, points) This way?

SAM -- Yes. (backs away) Tell the sheriff hello for me.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- This Sam Spade, he's a private investigator,
right?

SAM -- (stops) Why do you ask if he's a private investigator?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- My husband wants me to hire him.

SAM -- So, this is not about throwing him in jail or anything?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- No. I need to have him investigate a
kidnapping.

SAM -- (approaches) Well, as a matter of fact, "I'm" Sam Spade.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- You?

SAM -- At your service.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- But you just said Sam Spade was this way.
(points)

SAM -- Let me explain. There are TWO Sam Spades living here in
Goshen. And when you said that the Sheriff was involved, I
automatically assumed that you were referring to my delinquent
cousin... who lives down that way. (points) "I'm" Sam Spade the
world famous private investigator.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Very well then, you may investigate the
kidnapping.

SAM -- Not that I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the sheriff
investigate a kidnapping himself?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- The kidnapped baby is a Hebrew. My husband is
an Egyptian. He steers clear of Hebrew matters.

SAM -- Then why does he want ME to investigate.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- The mother is raising a big ruckus. My husband
doesn't like any ripples on the pond, if you know what I mean.
(hands Sam a scrap of paper) Here's the information on the
Hebrew parents. (moves toward exit)

SAM -- (follows) There was just the small matter of my fee. I
usually collect a retainer....

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Send your bill to the sheriff if you find the
baby. (exits)

SAM -- (stops, turns to audience) Yes, but what if I spend days
or weeks on this case and I come up with nothing? Why does this
always happen to me? Maybe I should change the name from
RETAINER to MANDATORY DEPOSIT. Oh well.... (studies paper)

MOTHER -- (enters, excited) Are you Sam Spade?!

SAM -- It depends.

MOTHER -- The sheriff's wife said that you were going to find my
baby.

SAM -- Oh. In that case, yes, I'm the world famous private
investigator, Sam Spade. (poses)

MOTHER -- So, your going to find my baby?!

SAM -- I make no guarantees. The kidnappers may have already
killed the baby.

MOTHER -- Killed him?! (cries loudly)

SAM -- (to audience) Alright, I'll admit it. My bed-side manner
could use a little work. (to mother) Let me put it another way.
Your baby is definitely alive and I will find him.

MOTHER -- (stops crying) He is?! You will?!

SAM -- Sure! Piece of cake! (takes notes) Let's see, where did
you last see the little tyke?

MOTHER -- In the river.

SAM -- IN the river? You mean, BY the river, don't you?

MOTHER -- No. I wrapped him in a blanket and layed him in a
basket made of reeds and I floated the basket in the river among
the reeds.

SAM -- Now, why would you do a silly thing like that?

MOTHER -- Well, as everybody knows, Pharaoh is worried that us
Hebrews are becoming too numerous. And so, to cut down on our
population, he ordered that all Hebrew babies must be killed.
So, I hid my baby so the Egyptian soldiers wouldn't find him and
kill him.

SAM -- Very clever! The soldiers wouldn't look for a baby in the
river!

MOTHER -- Thank you.

SAM -- But the crocodiles would. They probably ate him.

MOTHER -- Ate him?! (cries loudly)

SAM -- (to audience) Now you know why I never got married. (to
Mother) Alright, listen, I'm sorry. Let me put it another way.
Your baby is alive and I'll find him.

MOTHER -- (stops crying) He is?! You will?!

SAM -- Sure! Piece of cake! If you put him in the reeds, the
crocodiles wouldn't see him there. Some compassionate and
devoted woman probably came along and found the baby and figured
that you had abandoned it. She's probably planning on giving
your baby a loving home. When she finds out that you were just
protecting it, she'll be glad to return it.

MOTHER -- You think so?

SAM -- Sure. Show me where you stashed the kid, and then I'll
make some inquiries.

MOTHER -- This way. (points, exits with Sam)

PRINCESS -- (enters opposite wearing ornate tunic and serpent
crown, carrying basket with baby) Praise be to the gods of
Egypt! My prayers have been answered! I found a baby!

SAM -- (reenters) Baby? Did I hear someone mention a baby?

PRINCESS -- Yes! Praise the gods of Egypt.

SAM -- Yeah, like you said. Say listen, you look a lot like the
Pharaoh's daughter.

PRINCESS -- I AM Pharaoh's daughter.

SAM -- And you were praying to the gods of Egypt for a baby?

PRINCESS -- Yes. My husband and I have been trying to have a
baby of our own for years, but without any success. But now by
the grace of the gods, I am a mother! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Can you hear that sound? That is the tinkle
of gold coins jingling in my money pouch. If I play my cards
right, I could double my fee. I will not only collect my fee for
finding the baby, but I will also collect a fee from Pharaoh for
answered prayer. Watch the expert work.

(to princess) Listen, Princess, this is just PART of the answer
to your prayers.

PRINCESS -- It is?! What more could I ask for?

SAM -- I had a vision last night. In my vision, Pharaoh's
daughter would find a baby wrapped in a blanket and laid in a
basket of reeds, floating in the river among the reeds.

PRINCESS -- That's amazing! That's exactly what happened! I
shall name him Moses because he came up out of the water!

SAM -- In my vision, a voice told me that Pharaoh's daughter
would also need someone to nurse her baby for her.

PRINCESS -- Oh! I do, don't I?! That's amazing! Do you know
someone who could nurse my baby for me?

SAM -- By the graces of the gods of Egypt, I know a Hebrew woman
who recently lost her baby. She would just love to nurse your
baby for you.

PRINCESS -- That IS an answer to my prayers! Where is she?!

SAM -- (guides Princess off stage) She's right down the block.
You stay right here and don't move. I'll go get her for you....

(crossing back, smiles to audience) ... for a small fee, of
course. (exits)

MOTHER -- (reenters with Sam) You found him! You found my baby?!

SAM -- Not so loud! (finger to lips) Remember, all Hebrew babies
are supposed to be dead. So, I arranged it so that you wouldn't
have to hide your baby from the Egyptians anymore.

MOTHER -- How did you do that?

SAM -- I'm the world's greatest private investigator. It's what
I do. Now, here's the deal. I placed the baby in the arms of
Pharaoh's daughter.

MOTHER -- Pharaoh's daughter?!

SAM -- Not so loud! (finger to lips) Now, at my suggestion, she
will adopt the baby as her own, so your baby will be perfectly
safe. And she agreed to let you nurse the baby and be the baby's
nanny.

MOTHER -- Really?! You arranged all that?

SAM -- Piece of cake! Now, there's just two conditions.

MOTHER -- Sure! Anything.

SAM -- You and your husband will have to move into the royal
palace.

MOTHER -- Really?!

SAM -- Really, but there is a down side.

MOTHER -- What's that?

SAM -- You may never ever even mention that the baby belongs to
you.

MOTHER -- I can live with that. As long as the baby is safe.

SAM -- Okay. Here we go then. (turns Mother toward Princess,
stops) Oh, oh. (turns)

MOTHER -- What's the matter?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (enters with Princess) So, this is the man who
had a vision about your baby?

PRINCESS -- Yes! Isn't it amazing?!

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- And I suppose that this woman just happens to
be the woman who will nurse your baby for you?

MOTHER -- What does she mean?! Her baby (points) That's my...

SAM -- (turns Mother toward audience) Remember what I said. You
can't say anything. Play along with me, please? You'll get your
baby back if you just play along.

MOTHER -- Well, okay.

SAM -- So, Princess, here is your nanny.

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Just as in your vision, huh, Sam?

SAM -- Just as in my vision. (head and eye messages) We wouldn't
want to disappoint our beloved princess. Would we, my dear?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- No, of course not. Everyone got exactly what
they paid for.

SAM -- What do you mean by that?

SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (exiting with Mother and Princess) Come,
Princess, let's get your new baby and your new nanny settled in
at the palace. (exits)

SAM -- (follows) What do you mean by that? Is that your way of
telling me that I don't get paid? What about my fee? (stops,
stomps, exits opposite) Right through my fingers! Note to self:
from now on you got to collect your fee in advance.

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