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AMALEKIT 4'2m0f Moses and Joshua fend off the Amalekites

(all cowboy accents)

MOSES --- (enters, paces floor)

JOSHUA -- (enters) You wanted to see me, Moses?

MOSES --- Yeah, Joshua. I guess I don't have to tell you about 
all the damage them Amalekite savages done to this here wagon 
train.

JOSHUA -- No, sir. Them's mighty nasty varmints.

MOSES --- Joshua, the reason I wanted to talk to you is I need 
to have you organize an army against the Amalekites before they 
attack again tomorrow at dawn.

JOSHUA -- That's a heap o' work, Moses. We ain't got a single 
soldier among us. All them pilgrims ever done all their lives 
was build pyramids. What do they know about fightin' savages?

MOSES --- Don't worry about 'em, Joshua. They'll do fine.

JOSHUA -- How do you know?

MOSES --- I'm a prophet. It's my job. And your job now is to get 
an army organized to fight them Amalekites.

JOSHUA -- Ain't got near enough weapons, Moses.

MOSES --- Don't worry about it, Joshua. We got us a secret 
weapon.

JOSHUA -- A secret weapon? Where? (looks around)

MOSES --- Right here. (holds hands toward Joshua)

JOSHUA -- Dirty finger nails?

MOSES --- No, not my finger nails. My arms. Them's my secret 
weapons. (pats his own forearm)

JOSHUA -- (does a take to audience, back to Moses) Your arms.

MOSES --- Yes, my arms.

JOSHUA -- Moses, you been out in the sun too long. (holds hand 
to Moses' forehead)

MOSES --- (pushes Joshua's hand down) Joshua, I ain't got a 
fever. I been talkin' to the Lord. He says I'm supposed to stand 
up on a hill overlooking the battle and hold my arms up.

JOSHUA -- Oh, swell! You're gonna try to kill 'em with B.O.?

MOSES --- No. The Lord promised me that as long as my arms are 
up in the air, the battle will go our way. I figure that even 
with untrained men and few weapons, we should defeat the 
Amalekites by sundown tomorrow.

JOSHUA -- Well, suppose you get tired and you let your arms 
drop?

MOSES --- That's the hard part. As soon as I drop my arms, we 
start to lose the battle.

JOSHUA -- (turns to exit) Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- No, wait. Where are you going?

JOSHUA -- (turns back) You said yourself that the battle will 
take all day. You ain't exactly a spring chicken. You'll be 
lucky to hold your arms up til midday. No thanks.

MOSES --- Well, then, I'll have two people hold my arms up for
me.

JOSHUA -- What two people?

MOSES --- Aaron and Hur.

JOSHUA -- Hur? You're gonna have a woman do it? (turns to exit) 
Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- No, wait. You don't understand. Hur ain't a woman. 
Hur is a man's name. So, everything's okay. We'll win the 
battle.

JOSHUA -- (turns back) Good. Then afterward, we'll go into the 
promised land and celebrate. (shouts) YI! HA! 

Alright, here's the deal. I'll lead the army into battle. But 
tomorrow night right after the victory you owe me one dinner. I 
want a thick T-bone steak, a cob a sweet corn, mashed potatas 
and gravy and apple pie for desert.

MOSES --- You'll have to settle for manna.

JOSHUA -- What's that?

MOSES --- That's right.

JOSHUA -- No, I asked you, what is it?

MOSES --- That's right. Manna means "what is it"?

JOSHUA -- Is that anything like mystery meat?

MOSES --- Well, sort of, except you pick it up off the ground.

JOSHUA -- (turns to exit) Count me out. I'm gone.

MOSES --- If you leave now. You won't be in my book.

JOSHUA -- (turns back) Book? What book?

MOSES --- I'm writin' a new book. It's called the Bible. And 
you'll be in it... if you lead the army tomorrow.

JOSHUA -- (pauses) This ain't no bull, now. We're a cinch to win?

MOSES --- I already wrote about the victory in my book. Only 
thing I left out was the name of the man who led the army to 
victory.

JOSHUA -- You sweet talkin', silver tongued smoothy. My name is 
spelled Joshua, J.O.S.H....

MOSES --- ...I know how to spell your name, boy.

JOSHUA -- Then, I have just one request.

MOSES --- You name it.

JOSHUA -- (pushes Moses to exit at arm's length) When you hold 
your arms up tomorrow, stand down wind from me.


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