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AHABDAVE 5'2m0f Ahab & David: best and worst, all have sinned

DAVID -- (enters backward, confused) What on earth?!....
(notices audience) Who are you people? (crosses to C) I didn't
summon you. And why are you dressed so strangely?

AHAB -- (enters backward) What on earth?!.... Who are you
people? (crosses to C) I didn't summon you.

DAVID -- I beg your pardon.

(they circle each other cautiously, walking backward, if swords 
available, draw swords)

AHAB -- You'll get no pardon from me if you don't bow before me.

DAVID -- Me?! Bow before you?! It is you who should bow before
me!

AHAB -- Is that any way to speak to the King of Israel?!

DAVID -- No, it certainly is not! And you should apologize at
once!

AHAB -- Apologize?! You, a commoner wants me, the King of
Israel to apologize?!

DAVID -- You?! The King of Israel?! Do you have any idea who
you're speaking to?!

AHAB -- Yes, I do. You're obviously someone who doesn't know who
I am!

DAVID -- Well, if you think you are the King of Israel, you're
obviously a lunatic.

AHAB -- That's it! Now you've done it! You're about to join the
hundreds of others I have put in the grave.

DAVID -- You and what army? I'm the greatest warrior Israel has
ever known. Noone has killed more than me.

AHAB -- That's a laugh! You think you're a better warrior than
King David?

DAVID -- I AM King David.

AHAB -- That's very funny. King David has been dead for
generations. (stops circling) Oh, wait a minute... (scratches
head)

DAVID -- (stops circling) What's the matter?

AHAB -- Come to think of it, I'm dead too.

DAVID -- Well, who are you?

AHAB -- I've been trying to tell you. I'm Ahab, King of Israel.

DAVID -- Never heard of you.

AHAB -- Are you really King David?

DAVID -- Why would I lie about a thing like that?

AHAB -- Well, I guess if I came back from the dead, you could
too. I guess you could be King David.

DAVID -- Listen, I've met all of the Kings of Israel who made it
to Heaven, but I never met a King Ahab. When....

AHAB -- I... I never made it to Heaven.

DAVID -- Oh. So, you came up from.... (points down)

AHAB -- It's a bit cooler here. Nice place. Say, who are these
people (points to audience) who are dressed so strangely?

(both put away swords)

DAVID -- I don't know. I just got here. One minute I'm singing a
solo with the Heavenly Host, the next minute I'm in this palace
with a bunch of strangers.

AHAB -- I'm not sure this is a palace. There's no throne.

DAVID -- Oh, you're right.

AHAB -- What do you suppose we're doing here?

DAVID -- Maybe the Lord brought us back to fight a big battle
and this is his army.

AHAB -- Naw, I doubt it. They look kind of puny. Besides God
would never enlist me to command an army.

DAVID -- Why not?

AHAB -- My wife did all the fighting in my kingdom.

DAVID -- Your wife.

AHAB -- Yes. Her name was Jezebel. The Lord didn't like her
either.

DAVID -- Well, I don't get it. The Lord brings us both back from
the dead. One of us from Heaven, the other from Hell. One of
us was a warrior the other was a wimp.

AHAB -- I beg your pardon!

DAVID -- What does he want from us? What could we possibly have
in common?

AHAB -- I think I know.

DAVID -- You do?

AHAB -- See, the scribes wrote a lot about the great King David.
I know a lot about you.

DAVID -- You mean like my victories over the Philistines.

AHAB -- Well, that too.

DAVID -- What else was there?

AHAB -- Well, there was the year that you decided NOT to go to
war.

DAVID -- They wrote about that too? I never authorized that!

AHAB -- It's the only thing we have in common.

DAVID -- You committed adultery too?

AHAB -- Actually, adultery was just about the only sin I never
got around to committing.

DAVID -- What then?

AHAB -- I wanted a piece of land next to my palace, so I
engineered a scheme to have the owner killed, so I could have
it.

DAVID -- Oh.

AHAB -- Oh, what? As if I didn't know.

DAVID -- I wanted a woman, so I engineered a scheme to have her
husband killed. (sigh) So, that's what this is about.

AHAB -- What's this about?

DAVID -- I was the apple of the Lord's eye.

AHAB -- And I was the most wicked King of Israel. So?

DAVID -- So, the Lord wants these people to know that the best
of us and the worst of us are capable of the worst possible
sins, given the right temptation at the wrong time.

AHAB -- Yes, we are.

DAVID -- Yes, we are.

AHAB -- So, how did you end up in Heaven and I end up in Hell?

DAVID -- (sings as he exits) Praise God from whom all blessings
flow.

AHAB -- (shouts) Hey, I asked you a question.

DAVID -- Praise Him all creatures here below.

AHAB -- (exiting opposite) Hey, aren't you going to answer me?

DAVID -- Praise Him above ye Heavenly Host.

AHAB -- I have no idea what God sees in that man.
2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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