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ACHAN    4'3m0f Achan takes some Jericho plunder for himself

(everyone in the front row of the audience is given a 
foam-rubber rock and told to hang onto it until the end of the 
skit)

JOSHUA -- (enters, arms behind back, strolls across stage)

ACHAN --- (enters, follows briskly) Joshua, how can you just 
stroll around casually while 3000 of your men battle for the 
city of Ai?

JOSHUA -- Because I'm confident in the Lord, Achan. Besides, now 
that we've conquered Jericho, 3000 men to conquer the puny 
little town of Ai is probably 2000 too many. Ai is so small, its 
name has only 2 letters. Ai is so small that the city limit 
signs for both ends of town are on the same post. Ai is so 
small, I spent three weeks there one night. Ai is so small...

MESSENGER -- (enters, running, breathless) Sorry to disturb you 
Joshua. I bring you an urgent message from our commander at Ai. 
(hands letter to Achan, exits)

ACHAN --- (holds out hand) Here, let me have it. (shakes 
uncontrollably) On second, thought, Joshua, maybe you should read 
it. (hands message to Joshua, begins pacing)

JOSHUA -- Achan, why are you so nervous? Ai is so small that the 
town gossip has noone to tell. Ai is so small that...

ACHAN --- Please, Joshua, just read the message.

JOSHUA -- Sure, Achan, anything you say. (opens letter) It says, 
"All is lost. The Lord is not with us. Ai has killed us all."

ACHAN --- I knew it.

JOSHUA -- Knew what?

ACHAN --- Nothing.

JOSHUA -- Looks like Ai is not as small as I thought. I wonder 
why, after such a resounding victory in a big city like Jericho, 
we got pounded by such a one-horse town as Ai.

ACHAN --- Don't look at me.

JOSHUA -- Why, what do you mean by that? I didn't accuse you of 
anything.

ACHAN --- Ah, I was just making conversation. Yeah, that's it. I 
was just making conversation. (forces a smile) So, tell me, how 
small is Ai? 

JOSHUA -- Achan, we lost 3000 men at Ai. This is no joking 
matter. The Lord would never do this to us... unless... someone 
sinned against the Lord.

ACHAN --- Gee, I just remembered, I left something on the stove. 
(turns to exit)

JOSHUA -- Achan?

ACHAN --- (stops, turns) Yes, Joshua?

JOSHUA -- What do you know about this?

ACHAN --- Nothing. I'd love to stay and chat, but... (turns to 
leave)

JOSHUA -- (grabs Achan's arm) You know something about this, but 
you're not saying.

ACHAN --- Me? (forced laugh) I don't know anything. I was the 
smartest one in the dumb class.

JOSHUA -- Spill it.

ACHAN --- What would you say if you knew someone who, you know, 
sort of borrowed a little tiny bit of the plunder from Jericho?

JOSHUA -- You mean someone took some of the plunder from Jericho 
that we dedicated to the Lord?

ACHAN --- Well, just suppose that this hypothetical person took 
the tiniest little bit of plunder for himself, hypothetically.

JOSHUA -- Okay, hypothetically. How much did he take, 
hypothetically?

ACHAN --- Well, hypothetically, suppose this person took a 
purple Babylonian robe, 200 shekels of silver and 20 measly 
shekels of gold.

JOSHUA -- 20 shekels of gold?!

ACHAN --- Alright, so it was 50 shekels! I mean, let's suppose 
it was 50 shekels of gold... that this hypothetical person 
took, hypothetically.

JOSHUA -- From the Lord.

ACHAN --- It sounds worse when you say it. Well, what would you 
do with a person like that?

JOSHUA -- Hypothetically, we'd would have to stone him to death 
and burn his body.

ACHAN --- (quickly) Well, it's a good thing I don't know anyone 
like that, isn't it?

JOSHUA -- You did it, didn't you?.

ACHAN --- Huh?

JOSHUA -- I said, you did it.

ACHAN --- Me? No, I was, ah,.. I was vacationing in Puerto 
Villarta at the time.

JOSHUA -- There's no such resort as Puerto Villarta, yet.

ACHAN --- Mazitlan?

JOSHUA -- Nice try.

ACHAN --- Oh, gee, look at the time. I have an appointment with 
the dentist. (tries to exit)

JOSHUA -- (grabs him, guides him to front lip of the stage) Nice 
try. There are no dentists in Israel, yet. (shouts to those in 
the front row) Okay, everybody, you know what to do. (backs 
away)

ACHAN -- (dies in a hail of rubber rocks)

(Joshua and Messenger haul the body to exit)


2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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