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ZECHARI2 5'1m?f Monologue: Zechariah on John the Baptist

FLOYD -- (Austrian, Jewish accent, enters with phone to ear,
carrying notebook, crosses to podium) Yah, Hallo, zis is Dr
Signmond Floyd. May I speak to Zechariah?

Zechariah, my name is Dr Sigmond Floyd. The high priest at the
temple asked me to consult with you. He says that you are unable
to speak but the doctors can't find anything physically wrong
with you. Is that right?... Is that right?

Oh, of course. You can't speak. I tell you what, if the answer
is yes, tap on the phone once. If the answer is no, tap on the
phone twice, okay?

Good.

Alright, now, Zechariah, (reads) according to your high priest,
until nine months ago, you worked as a priest at the temple?

Uh huh. And at that time while you were burning incense in the
Holy Place you lost your ability to speak?

Uh huh. And nine months of medical treatments have been
completely ineffective?

Uh huh. And according to the battery of mental tests and
personality assessments, you have no apparent phobias or
psychoses?

Uh huh. So, perhaps you suffered an allergic reaction to the
incense?

No? Well, then, let me look at the comments written by your
wife. Her name is Elizabeth?

Uh huh. According to her, you were "visited by an angel of the
Lord?"

(aside) Very Interesting. Delusions of grandeur. I wonder why
this disorder did not show up on the assessment.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to myself.

According to Elizabeth, it was the angel who made you speechless
because of your lack of faith.

Uh huh.

(aside) These religious manifestations are the worst kind to
deal with. They are very slow to respond to treatment.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to myself.

Let's get back to your wife's statement. "The angel promised
that your wife would give birth to a prophet of God on the order
of Elijah."

Uh huh.

(aside) Very Interesting. Delusions of grandeur and delusions of
persecution in the same individual. Say, this case could make me
famous!

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to myself.

Zechariah, I don't want to alarm you, but there hasn't been a
true prophet of God in Israel since the prophet Isaiah. That's
over 400 years. The likelihood that you had a true visitation
from a spirit being is, to say the least, highly unlikely.

No. You disagree?

Let's get back to your wife's statement. She says, "The long
awaited messiah of Israel will be born just after my son. He is
a relative of mine."

Uh huh. The messiah of Israel, the long awaited messiah, the
annointed one of God is a relative of your wife?

Uh huh. Zechariah, it looks like your wife shares your
delusions. I need to help you both to get back on the road to
reality. First of all, the messiah will be a manifestation of
the Lord God Almighty himself. He will not be born like a common
man. Any idiot knows that. And second, according to your file,
your wife is over sixty years old. She is well beyond the age
where she could bear children. It would take a miracle for her
to.

Why are you tapping? I haven't asked you a question.

Quit with the tapping already! Are you saying that your wife
will definitely give birth or that it's a miracle?

Yes? To both questions?

Zechariah, you are living in a fantasy world. Your return to
reality will require slightly more stringent treatment. I'm
going to prescribe that you both be institutionalized and placed
in restraints lest you hurt yourself and others....

Just a moment. I have a call on the other line.

(pushes button on phone)

Madaline, please! I gave strict orders not to be disturbed! I
have a consultation on the other line.

Oh. Zechariah's wife just had a baby? I'll let him know.

(pushes button on phone)

Well, Zechariah, the call on the other line was to announce the
birth of your baby. I guess your wife is NOT too old to have a
baby after all.

(shouts) WHAT! Who is this?!

It CAN'T be Zechariah! He can't speak.

YOU are Zechariah. And you can speak?

Now that the baby is born.

Uh huh.

His name is John?

They will call him John the Baptist? Who are you talking about?

The baby. The baby your wife just gave birth to. That's his
name? John?

John the Baptist?

Uh huh.

Well, I know. I have your wife's statement right here. (reads)
"The angel promised that your wife would give birth to a prophet
of God on the order of Elijah."

Uh huh. Well! It looks like my therapy worked! Both of you have
had a remarkable recovery.

Hello? Hello? He hung up.

(exiting)

After all I've done for him.

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