ZACCHEUS 5'3m3f Zacchaeus has Jesus and sinners for dinner

(scene: table with chairs on three sides DC)

MILDRED -- (Jewish accent, wearing bib-apron, enters, carrying 
feather duster, crosses to table, dusts)

ZACCHAEUS - (Jewish accent, enters opposite hurriedly) Mildred, 
guess who's coming to dinner?!

MILDRED -- (harshly) Did you wipe your feet, Zacchaeus?! I just 
scrubbed that floor, you know.

ZACCHAEUS - Why are you in such an ugly mood, Mildred. This is 
cause to celebrate.

MILDRED -- Zacchaeus, I have a migraine headache like you would 
not believe. Don't tell me you invited somebody to dinner 
without telling me.

ZACCHAEUS - But Mildred, my sweet, I didn't invite him. He 
invited himself.

MILDRED -- Zacchaeus, I am not in the mood for this.

ZACCHAEUS - (holds up hand) But you don't understand....

MILDRED -- No, you don't understand. Just because we're rich 
doesn't mean that every Tom, Dick and Harry can invite 
themselves to dinner.

ZACCHAEUS - But this is no ordinary Tom, Dick, or Harry, 
Mildred, this is Jesus himself.

MILDRED -- Jesus? Who in the world is Jesus?

ZACCHAEUS - He is the messiah, the Son of the Living God.

MILDRED -- (laughs) Well, if you're trying to cure my headache 
by telling jokes, it didn't work. (sits, presses heels of hands 
against own temples) Uufff, do I have a headache!

ZACCHAEUS - This is no time to sit, Mildred. Jesus and his 
friends will be here any minute.

MILDRED -- Zacchaeus, if this guy Jesus is really the son of the 
Living God, the LAST person he would want to have dinner with is 
a tax collector like you.

ZACCHAEUS - Mildred!

MILDRED -- I know you're desperate to have somebody like you, 
Zacchaeus, but the reason you don't have any friends is because 
your a tax collector. The Jews hate you because you collect 
taxes for the Romans, and the Romans hate you because you're a
Jew. Schmoozing with lowlifes is not going to change that.

ZACCHAEUS - But, Mildred, Jesus picked me out of the crowd.

MILDRED -- (laughs) That's very funny, Zacchaeus, you're so 
short Jesus couldn't even SEE you in a crowd.

ZACCHAEUS - Well, actually, I climbed up a Sycamore tree so I 
could see over the crowd. But, Jesus called me by name!

MILDRED -- May I remind you that you are the head tax collector 
in this area? Everybody knows your name.

ZACCHAEUS - Mildred, please, bring something to eat. He and his 
friends will be here any minute.

MILDRED -- (sighs, stands, moves to exits, still holding 
temples) Zacchaeus, I'm really not in the mood for this. You be 
sure that your low-life friends don't steal our silverware while 
I'm gone.

(Jesus enters, shakes hands with Zacchaeus, followed by a 
teenager with orange spiked hair, a bag lady with dirty coat, 
rolled nylons and shopping cart, and a man with motorcycle 
clothes: black leather jacket or heavily tattooed with athletic 

ZACCHAEUS - Please have a seat. (points to chairs)

(all sit)

ZACCHAEUS - My wife will have some food for you in just a 
minute. But while we're waiting, I'd like to make an 

MILDRED -- (enters, carrying four brown lunch bags)

ZACCHAEUS - ...Over the years, I have collected more taxes from 
the Jews than was required by the Romans and that's how I became 
rich. I cheated my own people. But now, to honor my messiah, I 
have repented of my sinful ways. I will give half of my wealth 
to the poor and I intend to repay all those I cheated by giving 
back four times the amount I stole from them.

MILDRED -- You what!? Zacchaeus, are you out of your mind?!

JESUS -- Today salvation has come to this house, because this 
man, too, is a son of Abraham. 

MILDRED -- Zacchaeus, who is this guy?

ZACCHAEUS - Mildred, honey, this is the man I told you about. 
This is Jesus, the messiah, the Son of the Living God.

JESUS -- (stands, moves to Mildred, offering hand) Nice to meet 

MILDRED -- (jams a brown bag into his hand) ...Here, I packed 
your lunch to go. You can eat it on the road. Now, hit the road! 
(points to exit)

ZACCHAEUS - Mildred, honey, is that any way to treat the messiah 
of God?

MILDRED -- ...Messiah, my eye! He's con man if ever I saw one. 
(to Jesus) You take advantage of a man who is desperate for 
friendship. Shame on you. And look at these low lifes you 
brought with you.

JESUS -- Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. 
These people were lost, just like your husband.

MILDRED -- Don't hand me that, buddy! (hands lunch bag to all 
guests, each exits after receiving a bag) Here, there's plenty 
of food for all. After all, my husband is rich. Out! Get out!

JESUS -- ...Your headache is worse now, isn't it?

MILDRED -- (backs away) How did you know about my headache? 
Zacchaeus, how did this man know about my headache? Did you tell 

ZACCHAEUS - Why, no, my dear. I haven't told him anything about 

MILDRED -- How did you know about my headache?

JESUS -- (holds his hand out in the shape of Mildred's head, 
twists his wrist, turns to exit)

MILDRED -- (gasps, backs away) My headache is gone. Did you do 
that? My headache is completely gone. Zacchaeus, who is this 

ZACCHAEUS - I've been trying to tell you, Mildred, this is.... 
(follows Jesus) ....Jesus, please don't go.

MILDRED -- (follows) Say, listen, Jesus, it looks like I was 
wrong about you. Jesus? Zacchaeus, stop him. Don't let him go....

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