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WELLWELL 4'1m1f The woman at the well in a modern setting

(scene: bare stage, except bar stool next to podium DC)

JESUS -- (enters, wearing business suit and fedora, carrying
brief case, looks around, as if in a strange place, sits on
bar stool, facing podium, puts brief case on floor)

WOMAN -- (Brooklyn accent, worldly wise, enters, wearing
waitress uniform, pulls order pad out of apron, pulls pencil
from behind ear, leans over podium, puts pencil to pad) Well,
hello, good lookin', welcome to Jacob's Well. What can I get ya?

JESUS -- I'll just have a glass of water.

WOMAN -- (straightens, click tongue) You're not from around here
are you?

JESUS -- No. Why?

WOMAN -- Well, first of all, you're way overdressed for this
part of town. And second, nobody comes into Jacob's Well and
asks for a glass of water without buying something.

JESUS -- Oh, I'm sorry. My men just went to buy groceries.
(points over shoulder) So, I don't really need anything to eat.

WOMAN -- Sorry, pal, either buy something or take a hike.

JESUS -- (removes hat to reveal a yamulka, fans self with hat)
Actually, I just came in here to get out of the sun, it's really
hot outside.

WOMAN -- (points at yamulka, laughs) Hey, that's really funny.
You really had me going there.

JESUS -- I'm sorry, I don't...

WOMAN -- Who put you up to this? Was it Fred over at the Bowling
Ally?

JESUS -- I'm sorry, I don't...

WOMAN -- No, I know, I know, it was Larry over at the Blue
Ribbon?

JESUS -- The Blue Ribbon?

WOMAN -- You don't know the Blue Ribbon Bar? Then who sent you?

JESUS -- No one sent me. We were traveling from Judah to Galilee
and we took a shortcut through Samaria.

WOMAN -- Yeah, right, and I'm still a virgin. Who sent you?
(walks around podium and beyond Jesus, bends, looks out toward
audience, as if through a window) Oh, I get it. This is one of
those TV shows, isn't it? Where's the hidden camera?

JESUS -- Camera? I don't....

WOMAN -- (looks down as brief case) ...You've got the microphone
in the brief case there, don't you, you sly dog. You almost had
me believing that you were really a rabbi.

JESUS -- I am a rabbi. What....

WOMAN -- (goes back behind podium) ...Alright, I'll play along.
Just tell me what to say.

JESUS -- You obviously have me mistaken for somebody else.

WOMAN -- Yeah, right, like a Jew would even step foot in the
city of Sychar.

JESUS -- This was the shortest route to Galilee.

WOMAN -- If you're a Jew, why are you even talking to me?

JESUS -- I wanted a glass of water.

WOMAN -- You are so good! You say that with such a straight
face.

JESUS -- You think I'm lying?

WOMAN -- Look, the charade is over. I know you're not a Jew, let
alone a rabbi. Jews avoid us Samaritans like we have a disease.
And Jews don't talk to women in public. Rabbis don't even
talk to their wives in public.

JESUS -- Well, actually, there's no law against those things.

WOMAN -- Alright, it's put up or shut up. (reaches under podium
pulls out glass of water offers it to Jesus, smiles) Here, have
a drink, RABBI. (laughs)

JESUS -- Thanks. (takes glass, drinks some)

WOMAN -- (stops laughing) See, I knew you were a phony. Where's
the camera. (looks out to audience again)

JESUS -- I'm sorry, but I don't have a...

WOMAN -- ...There is no way a Jew would handle a glass that was
defiled by a Samaritan woman. But, I'll have to admit, you were
very convincing.

JESUS -- I'm not trying to be convincing. Two of my ancestors
married pagan women. So, it would be hypocritical of me to look
down on Samaritans for marrying pagans. (drinks the rest of the
water)

WOMAN -- So, you're sticking to your story, heh?

JESUS -- (hands back the glass) That was very refreshing water.
I'll have to give you some living water some time.

WOMAN -- Look, pal, I may be a high school drop-out but I know
that there is nothing living in water, unless you drink it from
a swamp.

JESUS -- The water I speak of is spiritual water. The water I
give you will well up within you and you will never be
spiritually thirsty again.

WOMAN -- Alright, pal, this is all very funny. Now, who sent
you?

JESUS -- Well, if you insist on an answer, my father in heaven
sent me.

WOMAN -- You never give up, do you? Wait til I tell Charlie.
(shouts over shoulder) Hey, Charlie, wait til you get a load of
this. This guy claims to be the son of God. Charlie? (to Jesus)
He must be out back. I'll bet you're pulling this gag for him,
aren't you? He talks about the messiah all the time.

JESUS -- Charlie, is the man you call your husband. But you're
not married to him.

WOMAN -- How did you know that? Nobody in Sychar knows that.
Did my family sent you to talk me about tying the knot with
Charlie? Because if they did, they're wasting their time.
I don't need another husband.

JESUS -- As a matter of fact, you have had five husbands.

WOMAN -- Wait a minute. Not even my family knows about my third
husb... (pause) You really ARE him, aren't you?

JESUS -- (nods)

WOMAN -- (hurries around podium, grabs Jesus' hand) Come with
me.

JESUS -- (stands) Where are we going?

WOMAN -- You've just got to meet Charlie. (turns, walks backward
pulling Jesus to exit) Here's been studying the scriptures. He
says the messiah is coming soon. Boy, do I have news for him.


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