STEWARD  6'4m0f The parable of the dishonest steward

(all characters wear suits and fedoras, speak with Brooklyn 
accents; when LEN speaks his asides, all other characters on 
stage freeze until he finishes)

LEN -- (enters, crosses casually, sees Ben) Benny! You're just 
the man I wanted to see!

BEN -- (enters opposite, sees Len, turns to exit) Oh, oh.

LEN -- Freeze, dirt bag!

BEN -- (without turning) Lenny! I didn't see you there....

LEN -- ...Save it, scum bag. Where's the money you owe me?

BEN -- I'll get it for you, Lenny, I swear.

LEN -- Benny, do you know why they call me Lenny the Leaner?

BEN -- Because you lean on people.

LEN -- Do you know what I'm supposed to do if a customer fails 
to repay his loan?

BEN -- Please don't break my knees, Lenny. I'll pay you, I 

LEN -- Benny, I happen to know that today is pay day.

BEN -- But I've got to buy groceries for my five children.

LEN -- That slow dripping sound you hear is my heart bleeding 
for you.

BEN -- Please, Lenny. You wouldn't take food out of the mouths 
of my children.

LEN -- Benny, did you know that sometimes when knee bones break 
they go (in Ben's ear) CRACK. And sometimes they go CRUNCH.

BEN -- (cringes, pulls a wad of money from pocket) Oh, 
alright, you can have your mon...

LEN -- (takes money, holds it in Ben's face) You did the right 
thing, Benny boy....

DON -- (enters, begins crossing to Len) Lenny, you scum bag.

LEN -- (aside) I suppose you're wondering what a bunch of 
non-Christians is doing here in your church. (looks both ways) 
Well, none of the other guys know it, but this is a parable: the 
parable of the dishonest steward. See, Benny, here, is a 
customer of my boss (points), Don Calzone. Don Calzone is in the 
loan business. (looks both ways) Alright, just between you's and 
me, he's a loan shark. And my job, as his steward, is to collect 
loan payments from his customers in a timely fashion. And, if I 
do say so myself, I am very good at what I do. 

LEN -- Boss! ....(holds up money where Benny can reach it, 
distracted) What... What are you doing here, boss?

BEN -- (snatches money, exits quickly)

DON -- Lenny, if you were not like a brother to me, you would 
now be taking deep water swimming lessons with concrete swim 

LEN -- Is something wrong, boss?

DON -- Do not try to schmooze me, Lenny. I know that you have 
been skimming money from the loan payments.

LEN -- Boss, how can you accuse me of such a thing....

DON -- Button it, meat head. You have two hours to make your 
collections and make a final accounting. Then, you will no 
longer be under my employ.

LEN -- But, boss, I....

DON -- (exiting backward) Meet me in the back room of the Cafe 
Milano in two hours or you are fish food. Got it?

LEN -- Yeah, sure. See you, boss. (aside) It's a cruel world. 
One day you eat the bear, the next day the bear eats you. In 
exactly two hours I join the ranks of the unemployed. The 
problem is, there are not a lot of job openings out there these 
days for knee breakers. Fortunately, I still have stewardship of 
the boss's money for a while. 

(sees Richie enter, to Richie) Richie! You're just the man I 
wanted to see!

RIC -- (enters, turns to exit) Oh, oh.

LEN -- Freeze, dirt bag!

RIC -- (with back turned) Lenny! I didn't see you there....

LEN -- ...Save it, scum bag. Where's the money you owe me?

RIC -- I'll get it for you, Lenny, I swear.

LEN -- Fortunately, Richie, this is you're lucky day.

RIC -- (turns) It is?

LEN -- Yes, it is. How much do you owe me, Richie?

RIC -- Is this a trick question, Lenny? You know exactly how 
much I owe you. You've been after me for it for a week. I owe 
you fifteen large.

LEN -- For a limited time only, Richie, my boy, I will discount 
your loan to TEN large.

RIC -- What a minute. Let me get this straight. You will cancel 
my debt if I pay you TEN?

LEN -- That's right, I said TEN.

RIC -- Ten G's?

LEN -- Ten thousand. That is correct.

RIC -- Lenny, are you feeling alright?

LEN -- This offer is available for limited time only.

RIC -- Ten G's is what I borrowed from you. You're not going to 
collect the interest?

LEN -- Tic Toc. Tic toc.

RIC -- Okay! Okay! (pulls a wad money from pocket, counts it) 
What's the catch?

LEN -- Don Calzone is downsizing his organization. I've got to 
settle accounts with him in two hours. And then I'll be out of a 

RIC -- (finishes counting) So, you'll take a discount on my loan 
in exchange... for what?

LEN -- I need a job. And minimum wage won't even pay for my dry 

RIC -- I can hook you up with a guy downtown who runs a 
night club. I can't guarantee anything but....

LEN -- Richie, may I remind you that I just saved you five G's?

RIC -- Alright, alright, the guy who runs the night club owes my 
uncle a favor. I'll pull some strings. The job is yours if you 
want it. (holds up money)

LEN -- (takes money, begins counting) Well, look at this! You're 
loan is paid in full! Congratulations.

RIC -- (exiting toward Benny's exit) It's been a pleasure doing 
business with you, Lenny.

LEN -- Likewise, I'm sure. (aside) See, what you Christians 
don't seem to grasp is that money COMES and money GOES. A good 
steward should use the money at his disposal to invest in the 

BEN -- (enters) Lenny! Richie just told me that you were 
discounting your loans.

LEN -- (smiles to audience, turns to Benny) Did he also tell you 
that I was looking for a job?

BEN -- As a matter of fact, I happen to have a direct line on an 
excellent job downtown. (turns away) unfortunately, at this moment 
my mind is encumbered by the excessive interest on a certain 
outstanding loan.

LEN -- Well, I would think that if you were to pay only the 
outstanding principle of said loan WITHOUT the interest....

BEN -- (holds up a wad of money) Done! 

LEN -- (takes money, counts it) Another loan paid in full! So, 
tell me about this job.

(both move to exit)

BEN -- Well, my Uncle Al has this Jewelry business.

LEN -- (smiles to audience) Jewelry! No kidding!

BEN -- Diamonds, actually.

LEN -- (aside) Listen people, stewardship is all about using 
money to buy things that will last beyond the here and the now. 
I'm just sorry you had to hear it from a non-Christian. (exits 
with Ben) So, Benny, tell tell me more about this job...

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.  email: