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STANDUP  3'1m0f A standup comic at the last supper

(enters, looks around)

Helloooo.  Is anybody here?

Maybe I've got the wrong place.  This IS the upper room.  There 
are thirteen places set.  One for Jesus and 12 for his apostles. 
This HAS to be the place.  HELLO.  Come out, come out, wherever 
you are.  It's passover and it's almost time for supper.

(Looks both ways, picks up the microphone)

Testing. Testing.  Hello, my name is Simon, I'll be your bus boy 
at supper tonight.  I just flew in from Jericho and boy are my 
arms tired. Pa dum pum.

Take my wife.... please. Pa dum pum.

My wife is so dumb, she thinks that the mount of olives is the
center piece for a salad bar.

And my mother-in-law.... she's so fat she has her own zip code.

Hello, is this thing on?  Hello.  This is a tough room.

Our guest of honor tonight is Jesus of Nazareth.  Nazareth.  Hey, I
spent three weeks there one night.

Nazareth is so small that the city limit signs for both ends of
town are on the same post.

Nazareth is so small that the residents have to take turns being
the town drunk.

And when he's in jail, the town band is a solo.

Hello, is this thing on?  Hello.  Is this an audience or an oil
painting?

Jesus is so good at faith healing that he once healed up the
holes in a pair of scissors.

Did you hear about the leper who lost everything at the race
track?  Yeah, his horse was a winner by a nose.

Hello.  Is this thing on?  Hello.  You know, I once played a
cemetery and got better laughs.

Jesus reportedly turned water into wine.  He must be taking
lessons from my wife.  She can turn a pot roast into a lump of
coal.

Jesus once fed 5000 people with 5 loaves and two fishes, but
he quit taking reservations when my mother-in-law called.

Jesus once preached a sermon while sitting on my mother-in-law's
shoulders.  They called it the sermon on the mount.

My mother-in-law is so ugly that when she was born, the doctor
slapped the wrong end.

And they didn't discover the error until she grew teeth.

Hello, is this thing on?  Hello.  I haven't had this bad a
reception since I had to tell my mother-in-law that the all-you-
can-eat-buffet went out of business.

You know, Jesus said in one of his sermons to turn the other
cheek.  But when my mother-in-law does that, the climate changes.

You know, the apostles tell me that they saw Jesus actually
walk on water.  But when my mother-in-law tried it, Mount Sinai
became beach-front property.

Hello.  Is this thing on?  Hello.  Well, you've been a great
audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Simon.  I do
weddings and bar mitzvahs.  Just remember that when Simon is your
bus boy, your water glass is always full.  Good night.

(puts mike on stand, exits)

Hello, is anyone in the kitchen?  Hello.


2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
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