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SHEET    3'2m0f Peter interprets his vision of the sheet

(scene: empty stage, except two chairs DC)

FLOYD -- (Austrian accent, over-enunciates guttural and 
consonants, enters with clipboard, wearing reading glasses, 
goatee and mustache, shouts) Zend in my next patient. 

PETER -- (enters opposite) Uh, hi, are you Dr Floyd?

FLOYD -- Yes, I'm Dr Sigmond Floyd. (check clipboard) And you 
are Simon Peter?

PETER -- Yes.

FLOYD -- Please, feel free to lie down on ze couch. 

PETER -- Thank you, Dr Floyd. But if you don't mind. I'll just 
sit in a chair. (sits)

FLOYD -- (sits) So, tell me, Peter, what brings you to a 
psychiatrist.

PETER -- I had a vision that I want you to help me with....

FLOYD -- Do you often have experience with hallucination, 
Peter?

PETER -- Oh, I don't think this was a hallucination, Dr Floyd. I 
think this was a vision from the Lord.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes on clipboard) Verrrrrry InterrrrrestinG.

PETER -- Yes, it was. It was at about noon. 

FLOYD -- (writes) Right in the middle of the day?

PETER -- Yes, I had went up to the roof to pray even though I 
was hungry.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. Self-denial. (writes, mumbles) An obvious 
symptom of codependence.

PETER -- What does that mean?

FLOYD -- Please, continue. Tell me about the vision itself.

PETER -- I saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet 
being let down to earth by its four corners.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. You were hungry and a sheet came down. Are you 
sure it was a sheet and not a table cloth?

PETER -- It looked like a sheet to me.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. Do you often eat in bed?

PETER -- No.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) Contextual discrimination impairment.

PETER -- Excuse me?

FLOYD -- Please, continue. Was there any food on the table 
cloth?

PETER -- Sheet.

FLOYD -- Sheet.

PETER -- Yes, there were four footed animals, reptiles, and 
birds.

FLOYD -- No, I asked you if there was food on it.

PETER -- Well, it WAS food. A voice told me, "Get up, Peter. 
Kill and eat." 

FLOYD -- Kill and eat. Uh huh. Tell me, Peter, you didn't bring 
any sharp objects in here, (moves chair away) did you?

PETER -- Why, no, doctor. Why?

FLOYD -- Do you often hear voices?

PETER -- No. This was the first time.

FLOYD -- Did you recognize the voice?

PETER -- Yes. It was God.

FLOYD -- God.

PETER -- Yeah, God.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. And how did you know that it was the voice of 
God?

PETER -- Oh, I'm very familiar with his voice. 

FLOYD -- But you said you never heard voices before.

PETER -- Oh, I can explain. He came to earth in the form of a 
man. He was my best friend for three years.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) Delusions of grandeur. Please, 
continue. He told you to kill defenseless animals, and...

PETER -- Yeah, then I said, "Surely not, Lord! I have never eaten 
anything impure or unclean." 

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) So, you overruled the Lord.

PETER -- Well, I didn't OVERRULE the Lord. I just couldn't 
believe he wanted me to eat meat from animals that Levitical law 
forbids.

FLOYD -- So, how do you know so much about levitical law. Are 
you a Pharisee or a priest?

PETER -- No, I get my wisdom from the Holy Spirit.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) Look around the room, Peter. Do you 
see this spirit now?

PETER -- Of course not. He's a spirit.

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) Please continue. You overruled the 
Lord. And, since you're still alive, I assume that the Lord 
didn't strike you dead.

PETER -- No. The voice spoke a second time. It said, "Do not 
call anything impure that God has made clean." 

FLOYD -- Uh huh. (writes) Verrrrry interrrrresting.

PETER -- So, what do you think? Should I eat unkosher food? 
Should I fellowship with the gentiles? We Jews are forbidden 
from associating with gentiles, you know.

FLOYD -- Well, I would say that you should do whatever this 
voice tells you to do. (move chair away) Unless he tells you to 
hurt someone...

PETER -- (stands, moves toward exit) Oh, thank you, Doctor. 
I...

FLOYD -- ...But, I have a better question.

PETER -- What's that?

FLOYD -- Who's going clean all those hoof prints off the table 
cloth?

PETER -- (pauses with raised finger, about to speak, then shakes 
head, exits)

FLOYD -- (exiting opposite) Verrrrry interrrrrrestinG. 


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