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SAMSPADE 8'1m3f A detective looks for Jesus' body

SAM --  (Sam in chair with feet up on another chair, nods off, 
wakes up, notices the audience) Oh, hi, the name is Spade, Sam 
Spade. I'm a private I, and a darn good one, too. 

Oh, I suppose you're wondering why a darn good private I is just 
sitting in his chair twiddling his thumbs. Well, I can explain 
that. I knew you were coming, so I cleared my calendar for you. 
That's it, I cleared my calendar.

So, you want to find out what a private I does to earn his pay? 
Well, let me tell you about a case I solved. True story. Yeah, 
it's really true. It happened a couple thousand years ago. 
You'll just have to take my word for it, alright? Go with me on 
this one. I was sitting in my office just like this, see, and 
this dame barges right in without knocking.

MARY -- (barges in without knocking) He's gone! He just 
disappeared!

SAM -- (Stands up, moves toward audience) This doll was a real 
looker, built like a brick ship yard. She had more curves than a 
mountain road and a face that would launch a thousand fantasies.

(looks both ways) But, she had PROSTITUTE written all over her. 
I got no time for low-lifes. So, I figured I'd look interested 
for a little while, and then just give her the brush off.

(Turns to Mary) Alright, doll, slow down a little. What's your 
name?

MARY -- Mary, Mary Magdalene.

SAM -- You got a missing person you want me to track down?

MARY -- Yes, please help me. (Cries)

SAM -- (Hands a hanky to Mary, steps toward the audience)
Hit me over the head with a beer bottle or pistol whip me, but 
don't come near me with a woman's tears. I'm a sucker for a 
woman's tears. What the heck. Business was a little slow, I 
could use the dough. I decided to bend my standards a little.

(To Mary) Alright, doll, I'll find your missing person for you. 
I get 75 bucks a day plus expenses. You got the dough?

MARY -- Yeah, sure, anything. Just find him!

SAM -- When did you last see him?

MARY -- On Friday, just before dark. 

SAM -- Did he say anything?

MARY -- He said IT IS FINISHED and then he died.

SAM -- He died?! You mean you want me to look for a dead man?

MARY -- Yes.

SAM -- (To the audience) I knew I should have given this dame 
the brush off.

(To Mary) Look, lady, I'm a very busy man. Try the city morgue.

MARY -- No, you don't understand. I'm sure they've moved the 
body. You must find it!

SAM -- They? Who's they?

MARY -- The Pharisees. They're the ones who had him killed.

SAM -- Right. You want me to get involved with an 
assassination?!

MARY -- No, it's not what you think. Just find the body.

SAM -- No.

MARY --  I'll double your fee.

SAM -- (Look at the audience, shrugs) $400 cash in advance.

MARY -- (Hands Sam an envelope) Of course.

SAM -- (Looks into envelope, then to audience) I know what 
you're thinking. But in this economy a man has to be flexible.

(To Mary) Where did you last see the body?

MARY -- At the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea. (exits)

SAM -- Doll face, your corpse is as good as found.

(To the audience, strolling slowly across stage)

I went to the tomb. The stone was rolled away and the burial 
cloths were lying in a heap on the floor. No clues there. So, I 
went to the hall of records.

(Tami enters, stands motionless) 

I sized her up and figure her to be one of those typical 
hard nosed bureaucrats.  If figured I'd have to grease the skids 
with a little bribe.

(pull a $20 out of his pocket holds it behind his back)

TAMI -- Hi ya, Handsome.

SAM -- (Looks to audience, embarrassed) Hi.

TAMI -- What can I help you with, good lookin'?

SAM -- Need the lowdown on a Jesus of Nazareth.

TAMI -- Your timing is amazing, slick, the Pharisees just made an 
inquiry about him. I was just about to refile it.

SAM -- (To audience) Okay, so even a darn good private I 
sometimes makes a mistake sizing people up. (pockets his money)
Okay, what ya got?

TAMI -- (reads file) Born in Bethlehem, mother's name Mary, 
father listed as the Holy Spirit.

SAM -- The Holy Spirit?!

TAMI -- That's what it says on the birth certificate. Mother 
claims the child is God incarnate.

SAM -- No!

TAMI -- I don't write 'em, slick, I just file 'em.

SAM -- What else you got?

TAMI -- Several certificates from the temple authenticating his 
miracles. 

SAM -- Miracles?

TAMI -- Yeah, the usual: Blind man sees, lame man walks, leper 
cured, the usual.

SAM -- The usual?!

TAMI -- Of course, the usual. Everybody in Judea knows about the 
miracles of the messiah.

SAM -- Messiah?!

TAMI -- Is there an echo in here?

SAM -- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

TAMI -- I get off at five. How about dinner?

SAM -- So, it was common knowledge that this guy... ah...

TAMI -- Jesus?

SAM --  ...that this guy, Jesus, was the Messiah?

TAMI -- Common Knowledge. I was one of eight or ten thousand 
people that Jesus fed with five small loaves of bread and two 
fish. Word of that kind of stuff spreads fast. 

It was a shame the way they railroaded him and killed him, huh?

SAM -- Yeah.

TAMI -- So, why are you and the Pharisees interested in him?

SAM -- The body disappeared.

TAMI -- (Ecstatic) Alright! Let ME buy dinner!

SAM -- Huh?

TAMI -- To celebrate.

SAM -- Celebrate? Celebrate what? A body snatching?

TAMI -- (Exits) It's a little hard to explain. You might not 
understand. I'll explain it to you at dinner. See you at five.

SAM -- (To audience) This was not your average bureaucrat. And 
this Jesus guy was definitely not your average carpenter. I 
figured he must have owed those Pharisees a lot of dough to get 
himself whacked and then have his body deep-sixed.

I went to Pharisee head quarters. But the only one who would 
talk to me was the receptionist.

(MARG --  enters, stands with back to Sam)

This doll was obviously a pushover, so I just sidled up to her.

(To Marg) Hi ya, pretty mama.

MARG -- (turns) I'm not your mother. What do you want?

SAM -- (To audience) Listen, sizing people up is an art, not a 
science.

(Pulls money out of his pocket, dangles it in front of her face)

MARG -- (Takes money) So, what do you want to know?

SAM -- What did the Pharisees do with the body of Jesus?

MARG -- The Pharisees think the Christians took it.

SAM -- The Pharisees think the Christians did took it? Well, the 
Christians think the Pharisees took it.

MARG -- (looks both ways) I think he rose from the dead.

(Stuffs money in bra, exits)

SAM -- That's what I get for my twenty bucks? 

(to audience, heading back to chairs)

This day had been full of surprizes. None of it made any sense. 
So, I went back to my office.

(sits with feet up)

To sort things out. I was just beginning to contemplate the 
finer points in the case when this dame, Mary Magdalene, waltzes 
right in again without knocking.

(nods off)

MARY -- (Enters, clears throat)

SAM -- (Awakens) Huh? Oh, hi. 

(Scrambles to his feet)

Listen, doll, this ain't what it looks like. I solved your 
missing persons case.

BOTH -- Jesus rose from the dead.

SAM -- Huh?

MARY -- I said, Jesus rose from the dead.

SAM -- But how could you.... Why, I just....

MARY -- I just saw him. He's alive! You can keep the deposit.

(exits)

SAM -- So, that's it. Another case professionally solved. Please 
excuse me now.

(Sits with feet up)

I'm a very busy man. I have lots of work to do.

(Nods off)


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