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RICH     4'2m0f The rich young ruler seeks salvation

JESUS -- (enters, shouts) Send in the next person.

RULER -- (wearing obviously fake grey beard and wig, feigning 
elderly, sick person, enters opposite with cane) Oh. Oooo. Ah. 
Jesus, you have to help me.

JESUS -- You again.

RULER -- Me again. It wasn't here yesterday at 3:20. That wasn't 
me. That must have been somebody else who looked like me. See, I 
have a beard and grey hair today.

JESUS -- What is it now?

RULER -- I need to have you lay hands on me. It'll only take a 
minute.

JESUS -- (sighs) Alright, I'm listening. Why do you want me to 
lay hands on you this time?

RULER -- I have a terrible case of fumilated trilominia.

JESUS -- Oh, brother.

RULER -- What. I have the worst case in history.

JESUS -- Maybe the only case in history.

RULER -- Don't tell me you never heard of fumilated trilominia.

JESUS -- No.

RULER -- And I thought the you were the Yashua Hamasheya, the 
messiah.

JESUS -- I am the messiah.

RULER -- If you were the messiah, then you would recognize the 
obvious symptoms of fumilated trilominia.

JESUS -- And I'm sure you'll tell me what they are.

RULER -- First of all, I have pale skin. Look. (shows back of 
hand)

JESUS -- That's paint. You painted the back of your hand.

RULER -- No, I didn't.

JESUS -- I can see the brush marks.

RULER -- And I thought that the messiah would be compassionate 
to the plight of the common man.

JESUS -- You are not a common man.

RULER -- Look here, here is the most obvious symptom of 
fumilated trilophyta.

JESUS -- Trilominia.

RULER -- Excuse me?

JESUS -- Trilominia. You claimed that you have fumiliated 
trilominia.

RULER -- Whatever. Look at these oozing, bleeding lesions on my 
face. How can you explain these lesions, if not fumilated  
what-its-name?

JESUS -- Those are pieces of chicken liver.

RULER -- Who told you?

JESUS -- (shouts) Send in the next person.

RULER -- You're not through with me yet.

JESUS -- Yes, I am. Go away.

RULER -- Are you turning your back on a miserable person with a 
terminal case of fumilated what-cha-callit?

JESUS -- You're not sick.

RULER -- Oh! Oh! Oh, how can you say that? All I ask for is a 
little compassion.

JESUS -- Go away.

RULER -- (takes off wig, beard, uses normal voice) Just lay your 
hands on me. Please?

JESUS -- No.

RULER -- Come on! You're the only chance I have to get into 
Heaven.

JESUS -- You right, but...

RULER -- Then, just lay your hands on me. It'll just take a 
minute.

JESUS -- No.

RULER -- Why not?!

JESUS -- I already told you, you won't go to Heaven until you 
give up your other god.

RULER -- I don't have another god. 

JESUS -- Yes, you do. You are a rich young ruler who worships 
money.

RULER -- I don't worship money. I can it give up money any time 
I want.

JESUS -- Okay, then sell everything you own and give the money 
to the poor.

RULER -- I tell you what... (pulls money pouch from under belt)
...I'll give this entire pouch of money to the first poor person 
I see. There must be thirty or forty drachmas in here.

JESUS -- (shouts) Send in the next person.

RULER -- Alright. I'll give 10% of everything I own to the poor.

JESUS -- Go away.

RULER -- Half. I'll give half.

JESUS -- Go away.

RULER -- Please! Just lay hands on me so I can get into 
Heaven. Please!

JESUS -- No.

RULER -- Did I tell you about my bursitis? Just lay your hands 
my shoulder here.

JESUS -- (grabs Ruler's cane, pokes him with it) Out. Out. Out.

RULER -- (backs away) Okay. I humbly confess. I don't have 
fumilated what-its-name and I don't have bursitis. But I do have 
a really really bad hang nail. It'll only take a second to lay 
hands on it.

JESUS -- (pokes) Out.

RULER -- (backs away) A finger. Just lay a finger on it.

JESUS -- (pokes) Out. 

(both exit)


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