PIRATE   4'2m0f A pirate sees two miracles on the Sea of Galilee

REP -- (enters with microphone, crosses, talking to audience) 
This is your investigative report, Fred Snoop, reporting live 
from the Sea of Galilee. I have learned from sources close to 
the alleged messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, that two of Jesus' 
alleged miracles were witnessed by someone other than his 12 
apostles. Excuse me, sir...

PIR -- (enters, wearing eye patch and pirate clothes, sings to 
self) Yo ho ho and a bottle of beer. (looks up) Did you say 

REP -- Yes, I an investigative reporter. I'd like to ask you 
some questions.

PIR -- Well, heave ho. Let's have 'em.

REP -- Was that a sea farer's song I heard you singing?

PIR -- Yup. (Sings) Yo ho ho and a bottle of beer.

REP -- Isn't that supposed to be "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum"?

PIR -- Who can afford rum in this recession?

You didn't come here to ask about a song. You gonna ask a real 
question or do I have to give you a taste of my cold steel, land 
lubber? (pulls knife from waist band)

REP -- Are you a pirate?

PIR -- You bet your mainsull.

REP -- You are a pirate on the Sea of Galilee?

PIR -- You deaf, land lubber? I said I was a pirate. You 
doubtin' my word? Am I gonna have to carve you up in little 
pieces and feed you to the sharks, boy?

REP -- No! No sir! It's just that I didn't think a pirate could 
make a living on the Sea of Galilee.

PIR -- Actually, pickins is pretty slim here. That's why I'm 
letting you pay me for this interview. You ARE going to pay me 
for the this interview, aren't you, sturgeon breath?

REP -- Pay you? (laughs) Pay you for an interview? (regards the 
sword at his throat) Why, yes, of course, I'll pay you. 

PIR -- How much?

REP -- Every penny I own. (hands him his wallet)

PIR -- Good. Let's get on with it then. I'm a very busy man. 
There's a row boat just off shore there (points to exit) that 
needs to be pillage and scuttled.

REP -- You pillage row boats? (regards the knife) The interview, 
yes. Tell our viewers about the alleged miracles of the alleged 

PIR -- Bilge breath, if you keep alleging, I'll slit your 
alleged gizzard. 

REP -- Yessir! Tell us about the miracles.

PIR -- The miracles happened just the way them boys said.

REP -- When did you witness these miracles?

PIR -- Just before I took on the skull and cross bones.

REP -- Before you became a pirate?

PIR -- You new around here, boy? Of course, it was before I 
became a pirate. My boat was for hire. I was carrying that Jesus 
fella and his 12 friends...

REP -- ...the apostles...

PIR -- Who's tellin' this story, you or me?

REP -- Sorry, keep going.

PIR -- We was sailin' from one side of the Sea of Galilee to the 
other. Jesus fell asleep as soon as we wayed anchor. Suddenly, 
this big squall came up.

REP -- Gale force winds? Sorry. Continue.

PIR -- Dern near capsized the old tub, but she righted herself 
and we was carried in all directions by the winds... near 60 
knots, I reckon. Black as night it was. Hopelessly lost we was. 
That's when they woke up Jesus. He raised his hand and cussed at 
the wind. Quicker than the squall came up, it was gone.

REP -- And were you awe struck?

PIR -- Heck no! I was ticked off. I dern near keel-hauled him.

REP -- But why? You were in danger of losing your life... 
hopelessly lost.

PIR -- Yeah, but at 60 knots we was 2 hours ahead of schedule.

REP -- About the second miracle you witnessed?

PIR -- That was some time later. This time Jesus stayed behind 
and sent his friends...

REP -- mean his apos... go on.

PIR -- He sent them on ahead on my boat. Later, Jesus came along 

REP --  In a row boat?

PIR -- Nope. He was walking on the water. The hem of his tunic 
never even got wet.

REP -- And how did that make you feel?

PIR -- At first, I didn't think much of it. I see lots of stuff 
like that after a few sips of rum. But, then, one of Jesus' 
friends, the one with the big mouth...

REP -- That would be the apostle Peter.

PIR -- (dirty look) The one with the big mouth steps out of the 
boat and walks on water too.

REP -- THEN, you were awe struck.

PIR -- No. I was ticked off!

REP -- But, why?

PIR -- Now, there were TWO passengers who weren't paying 

REP -- Are you sure it wasn't the rum that caused to see these 

PIR -- Ever hang by your thumbs from the yard arm, shark bate? 

REP -- Sorry. 

PIR -- (Changes eye patch to other eye) I seen it with my good 

REP -- So, you saw Jesus and Peter walking on the water and you 
were angry.

PIR -- I was going keel-haul them both, but when the loud 
mouthed one began to sink, Jesus grabbed him and they both came 
on board. Then I was happy.

REP -- Because Jesus proved himself to be the messiah?

PIR -- No, because Jesus was on board for only half the trip but 
paid full price.

Excuse me. I have a row boat to pillage. (exits)

REP --  Now back to the studio. (exits)

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