PIGS2    9'1m?f Jesus' exorcism kills a herd of pigs

(all characters wear tunics and sandals)

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator.

WIFE -- (follows stealthily, looks both ways, whispers) Psssst!
Hey, Spade!

SAM -- (turns) It depends on whose asking. Are you a bill

WIFE -- (looks both ways) No. I need a private eye. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) See what I mean? When you're the world's
greatest private eye, people seek you out. (to Wife) As luck
would have it, I'm between clients right now. What did you have
in mind?

WIFE -- I need to have you look into the killing spree up by the
Sea of Galilee.

SAM -- A killing spree you say?

WIFE -- Yeah. (looks both ways)

SAM -- I never heard of any killing spree.

WIFE -- Somebody killed a whole herd of livestock for no reason.
Sounds like a killing spree to me.

SAM -- Well, if it's that big, you don't need a private eye. You
need to notify the Roman governor.

WIFE -- My husband IS the governor.

SAM -- So, you're Mrs Pontius Pilate.

WIFE -- (looks both ways, finger to lips) Not so loud!

SAM -- (looks both ways) What's with the secrecy?

WIFE -- My husband doesn't want anyone to know he's hiring you.

SAM -- Why not?

WIFE -- Because you're such a low-life. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Look, I can explain. I AM the world's
greatest private eye. I've solved dozens of crimes and put lots
of bad guys in jail. But do they remember that? Nooooo! What
people remember is the dirty divorces. Life is unfair. (to Wife)
Alright, mum's the word. But why doesn't the governor
investigate this killing spree himself?

WIFE -- The Sea of Galilee is King Herod's territory. But my
husband doesn't want this thing to get out of hand. He wants you
to find out who killed all those pigs and my husband will have
him arrested quietly.

SAM -- I'm your man. You can count on me. But there was just one
more matter...

WIFE -- (tosses small pouch) This matter?

SAM -- (shakes pouch near own ear) This will take care of the
investigation, but....

WIFE -- But what?

SAM -- It may take a great deal of effort to keep (louder)
PONTIUS PILATE's name out of it.

WIFE -- (tosses second pouch) My husband was right. You ARE a
low-life. (turns, exits)

SAM -- (to audience) Yes, but I'm the world's most successful
low-life. (fastens pouches to waistband, turns, strolls) I
traveled to the Sea of Galilee.

HERDER -- (enters opposite running, carrying a carrot, looks
back, collides with Sam, gasps)

SAM -- Hey, what's you're hurry?!

HERDER -- I didn't steal nothing! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Here's a hint that you learn on your way to
becoming the world's greatest private eye. When a woman denies a
sin even though noone is accusing her, you can be sure she's
guilty. (to herder) Well, if you didn't steal the carrot, where
did you get it?

HERDER -- (hides carrot) Carrot?! What carrot?

SAM -- Have you ever had forty lashes?

HERDER -- Oh, please, don't rat on me! Please?! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) I've got this woman right where I want her.
If she doesn't tell me everything I want to know, she thinks
I'll report her to the authorities. (to Herder) Hey, I'm a
reasonable man. You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.

HERDER -- What did you have in mind?

SAM -- I need some information.

HERDER -- What do you want to know?

SAM -- Tell me about the livestock that were killed.

HERDER -- I had nothing to do with that! Those pigs drowned!

SAM -- They what?!

HERDER -- I'm telling the truth! They drowned!

SAM -- Wait a minute. This herd of livestock was PIGS?

HERDER -- Yeah. And I lost my job over it, even though I had
nothing to do with it

SAM -- If you had nothing to do with it, why did you lose your

HERDER -- I'm a pig herder. Without a herd, there's nothing for
me to do.

SAM -- How many pigs were there?

HERDER -- Five hundred.

SAM -- Five hundred?!

HERDER -- Yes.

SAM -- And they ALL drowned?

HERDER -- All of them.

SAM -- How did they drown?

HERDER -- They were grazing at the edge of the Sea of Galilee,
when all of a sudden, they all stampeded into the water. You
know, pigs don't swim so good.

SAM -- What caused the stampede?

HERDER -- Not me! I was just minding my own business.

SAM -- Well, who else was around?

HERDER -- Just a couple of guys who live in the cemetery over
there. (points to opposite exit)

SAM -- (turns, looks) There?

HERDER -- Yes.

SAM -- Was anyone else in the cemetery at the time?

HERDER -- Yeah. About a dozen people came ashore in a row-boat.
But it was probably not them who caused it. It was probably the
crazy guys who spooked the pigs.

SAM -- Crazy guys?

HERDER -- Yeah. The two guys who live in the cemetery are nuts.

SAM -- Did you see them stampede the pigs?

HERDER -- No. I don't know how they did it, but I bet they were
the ones who caused the stampede.

SAM -- My money is on YOU.


SAM -- You stole a carrot.... (points)

HERDER -- (hides carrot) Hey, I stole this carrot because I
haven't eaten since I lost my job. I'm no trouble maker! Why
would I bite the hand that feeds me?!

SAM -- You got a point there.

HERDER -- You're not going to report me, are you, fella?

SAM -- No.

HERDER -- (turns) Good.

SAM -- But if you're hiding something...

HERDER -- (turns) I'm not, I swear.

SAM -- You can go.

HERDER -- (turns, exits) Thanks, fella.

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) I went into the nearest
town looking for the owner of the herd of pigs.

OWNER -- (enters opposite, shouts) Hey, I thought I told you
guys to clear out!

SAM -- You can't be talking about me. I just got to town.

OWNER -- Oh, I thought you were one of them.

SAM -- One of who?

OWNER -- One of them disciples of Jesus.

SAM -- Why are you mad at the disciples of Jesus?

OWNER -- Jesus was the one who killed my pigs!

SAM -- I was just talking to your pig herder. You sure she
wasn't to blame?

OWNER -- No. It wasn't her?

SAM -- Then why did you fire her?

OWNER -- I don't need a herder if I don't have a herd!

SAM -- Oh. Your pig herder thought the crazy guys in the
cemetery stampeded the pigs.

OWNER -- Say, why are you so interested? Are you sure your not
one of those Jesus freaks?! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) At first glance, you would think that I
might be in trouble here. But let me show you the kind of
strategy that made me the world's greatest private eye. (to
owner) As a matter of fact, I'm not a Jesus freak. I'm an
investigator from the temple in Jerusalem.

OWNER -- (swallows hard) You are?!

SAM -- (raises eyebrow to audience) You ARE a Jew, aren't you?

OWNER -- Well, yes.

SAM -- And what should I tell the Jewish leaders when they ask
me why a Jew owns a herd of pigs?

OWNER -- (swallows hard) Well, listen, I'm sorry I accused you
of being a Jesus freak.

SAM -- (smiles to audience) About the pigs?

OWNER -- Listen, I know that we Jews are prohibited from owning
pigs. But life is hard. I needed to make a living.

SAM -- So, you think Jesus drowned your pigs?

OWNER -- Well, he didn't do it directly, but he was responsible!

SAM -- I'm listening.

OWNER -- Turns out, the crazy guys who lived in the cemetery
were demon possessed. Jesus exorcized the demons and let the
demons inhabit my pigs.

SAM -- So, it was the demons who made the pigs stampede into the

OWNER -- Well, yeah, but Jesus was responsible!

SAM -- Well, since it's illegal for Jews to own pigs, it looks
like Jesus was actually doing the Jewish elites a favor by
getting rid of the pigs.

OWNER -- Hey, the Jewish elites hate Jesus. They would never
give Jesus credit for ANYTHING good. Are you sure you're working
for the Jews?

SAM -- (turns, smiles to audience) I'll just tell them who the
pigs belonged to.

OWNER -- Listen, I don't want any trouble. There's no reason to
involve the Jews. (offers small pouch)

SAM -- (turns, takes pouch, winks at audience, to Owner) I'm
sure I can find a way to keep your name out of it.

OWNER -- (exits) Sorry if I offended you.

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Well, now you know how I
became the world's greatest private eye and why I command the
big fees (shows pouch, sees Wife, hides pouch, to Wife) Well, I
solved your case.

WIFE -- (enters opposite) I'm listening.

SAM -- The herd of pigs was killed by demons.

WIFE -- Have you been drinking?

SAM -- I'm just telling you what happened.

WIFE -- I knew you were a low-life. Give me my money back.

SAM -- I'm telling you, the demons did it.

WIFE -- How can demons drown a whole herd of pigs?!

SAM -- Jesus drove the demons from two demon possessed men who
were living in a cemetery nearby.

WIFE -- Oh. Why didn't you just say Jesus did it.

SAM -- Well, the Jews don't like to hear the name of Jesus.

WIFE -- I'm not a Jew. I'm thinking of becoming a disciple of

SAM -- Well, then, I earned my fee.

WIFE -- Yes, my husband thinks the Jews are a wart on the rump
of the Roman Empire. He'll be happy to hear that the Jews have
to explain away yet another miracle of Jesus. (exits)

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) So, there you have it. Yet
another case solved by Sam Spade, the world's greatest private
eye. But are they going to remember this case? Nooooo! Their
going to remember a couple of messy divorces. You can't win.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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