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LAZARUS  5'1m*f RT: Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead

(RT == Readers' Theater: requires little or no memorization,
little or no rehearsal. An indefinite number of reporters are
salted throughout the audience.)

CAIAPHAS -- (enters wearing ornate robe and sandals, crosses to
podium) I am Caiaphas, chief priest of the temple here in
Jerusalem. The reason I called this press conference is to
address the incident that you press people have dubbed "the
miracle of Bethany". I am here to announce that this so-called
miracle is nothing but a hoax. And I wish you would quit talking
about it.

REPORTER -- Rabbi Caiaphas, why is the chief priest of Jerusalem
even interested in an incident in the small town of Bethany?
Aren't you inflating the importance of the incident by calling a
news conference about it?

CAIAPHAS -- I called this news conference because I was tired of
people asking me about it. In fact, I'm sick of it! Stop talking
about it!

REPORTER -- What evidence do you have that the incident in
Bethany was a hoax?

CAIAPHAS -- Evidence? I don't need evidence! I'm the high
priest.

REPORTER -- There were several eye witnesses to the raising of
Lazarus from the dead, including his sisters. Are you saying
that all these witnesses were mistaken?

CAIAPHAS -- Yes.

REPORTER -- What part of the story are you claiming was in
error: that Lazarus was not dead or that he rose from the dead?

CAIAPHAS -- Both.

REPORTER -- According to eye witnesses, Lazarus was not only
dead before he was raised, he was dead for four days. All the
witnesses said that the body had begun to decay. Isn't that
proof he was dead?

CAIAPHAS -- No. The death was a fake.

REPORTER -- How was it possible that Jesus faked the death of
Lazarus when Jesus was in Jericho when Lazarus died?

CAIAPHAS -- Who told you that?

REPORTER -- There were at least a dozen eye-witnesses who
confirmed it.

REPORTER -- I have eye-witness reports that Jesus actually
delayed his trip to Bethany in order to allow Lazarus to die and
be buried so that everyone would know that the raising of
Lazarus was a true miracle.

CAIAPHAS -- Miracle, shmiracle. There was no miracle!

REPORTER -- How do you know?

CAIAPHAS -- Because miracles don't happen. That's how!

REPORTER -- But this was not the first person Jesus raised from
the dead. According to eye-witness reports, Jesus previously
raised a twelve-year-old girl from the dead.

CAIAPHAS -- Yeah? Who were your sources?!

REPORTER -- The girl's father was a synagogue ruler.

CAIAPHAS -- Oh. Well, ah, I doubt it. Where did this other
so-called miracle take place?

REPORTER -- In the district of Galilee.

CAIAPHAS -- I knew it. That Carpenter was from Galilee. He's got
all those people hypnotized or something. They all follow him
like zombies.

REPORTER -- That's not true. I have several eye-witness reports
that Jesus was rejected by most of the people in Galilee because
he grew up there and noone could believe that one of their own
could be a prophet.

CAIAPHAS -- See what I mean? Nobody believes him!

REPORTER -- I thought you just said they were all zombies under
his control.

CAIAPHAS -- Don't put words in my mouth! The man is a fake!

REPORTER -- If Jesus is a fake why did you conspire to have him
Murdered?

CAIAPHAS -- Who told you that?!

REPORTER -- Are you denying it?

CAIAPHAS -- It's not murder if Jesus is guilty of blasphemy.

REPORTER -- How is Jesus guilty of blasphemy?

CAIAPHAS -- He claimed to be God!

REPORTER -- Jesus is only guilty of blasphemy if he claims to be
God but is NOT God.

CAIAPHAS -- Of course he's not God! I just told you. He's a
fake!

REPORTER -- Didn't Jesus prove that he's God by raising Lazarus
from the dead?

CAIAPHAS -- I told you, that was a hoax.

REPORTER -- If it's a hoax, then why have you conspired to have
Lazarus murdered as well?

CAIAPHAS -- Who told you that?!

REPORTER -- Are you denying it?

CAIAPHAS -- Some people have big mouths!

REPORTER -- Isn't it true that you conspired to have Lazarus
murdered because he is living proof that Jesus is God in human
flesh?

CAIAPHAS -- That's ridiculous! If Jesus was God in human flesh,
the first thing he would have done, instead of raising the dead,
is to drive the Roman army into the Mediterranean Sea.

REPORTER -- What proof do you have that the Roman Army would be
God's top priority?

REPORTER -- Can you quote one of the prophets from the Holy
Scriptures in support of your view?

CAIAPHAS -- I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

REPORTER -- I doubt it. The Romans are not mentioned by name in
the Holy Scriptures. And the notion of driving ANY army into the
Mediterranean Sea is not mentioned in prophecy either.

CAIAPHAS -- Oh.

REPORTER -- Isn't it true that your hatred for Jesus is because
he criticized you and the other religious leaders of Israel for
not knowing the scriptures?

CAIAPHAS -- I don't have to sit here and take these outrageous
accusations! This press conference is over! (exiting) You press
people should be ashamed!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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