HERB     4'2m0f What are the qualities of a book of the Bible?

PAUL -- (enters, crosses casually, hands behind back)

HERB -- (enters) Paul? Apostle Paul? 

PAUL -- (turns) Yes?

HERB -- (crosses) I've been looking all over for you. (shakes 
hands with Paul enthusiastically) Hi, Paul. It's been a long 

PAUL -- Do I know you?

HERB -- (pumping his hand) Sure you do, Paul. My name is Herb. 

PAUL -- No. I'm sorry. You've got me at a loss. As an apostle I 
meet so many people...

HERB -- (pumping his hand) I was one of those people who fell 
asleep the night Eutychus fell asleep and fell out the second 
story window.

PAUL -- Well, it's nice to meet a dedicated Christian.
(pries his hand away from Herb's) 
HERB -- Yeah, well, actually, I didn't hear about the Eutychus 
thing until the next morning.  I slept right through the whole 
thing. I'm sure it was a real good sermon though. Ya snooze ya 
lose, I always say.

PAUL -- I'm sure you do. Well,...

HERB -- I suppose you're wondering why I here.

PAUL -- Well, yes...

HERB -- Well, I hear that some of the church leaders are 
compiling a new addendum to the Bible, called the New Testament.

PAUL -- Yes, that's right. Some of the other apostles and I are 
contributing some of our letters. So,....?

HERB -- So, the reason I'm here is to get some helpful hints in 
writing my own contribution to the New Testament.

PAUL -- Oh, really?

HERB -- Yeah, I thought I'd write a gospel.

PAUL -- A gospel.

HERB -- A gospel, yeah. The Gospel according to Herb.

PAUL -- May I ask you a question?

HERB -- Sure.

PAUL -- Why?

HERB -- Why? 

PAUL -- Yes, why the gospel according to Herb?

HERB -- Because I thought the title sounded nice.  It kind of 
sings to you: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Herb.  What do you 

PAUL -- God saves us?  

HERB -- Is that good or bad?

PAUL -- What are you going to include in your gospel.

HERB -- What am I going to include in it?  Well, I guess it will 
be the story of Jesus, just like the others.

PAUL -- So, you knew Jesus personally?

HERB -- Well, no, I've never actually met Jesus, but...

PAUL -- So, you've spent a lot of time in Judea?

HERB -- Well, no, I've never actually been to Judea, but is that 
such a big a deal?

PAUL -- Young man, the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and John were 
eye witness accounts of Jesus' life.

HERB -- Yes, but Luke wasn't.

PAUL -- Yes, but, he talked to hundreds eye witnesses.

HERB -- Yeah, so? (pause) Oh, you expect me to sail all the way 
to Judea just to write a book?

PAUL -- Only if you're serious about writing a gospel.

HERB -- But, I get sea sick! Well, maybe I could write an 
Epistle. Yeah, an epistle is just a letter to a church, right?.  
I could knock off three or four pages in a day or two.  The 
Epistle of Herb...Herb's epistle to the Galatians.  How does 
that sound?

PAUL -- What would the letter say?  

HERB -- Well, that's what I'm doing here, talking to you.  
You're pretty good at writing.  I was thinking maybe you could 
give me some pointers. 

PAUL -- Some pointers?

HERB -- Yeah, like, maybe I could start off with some pious 
sounding stuff like "Grace and peace be with you." Yeah, I like 
that. (writes)

PAUL -- What about substance?  

HERB -- Well, we can worry about that stuff later.  Right now, I 
need to work out a writing style.  You know, like the apostle 
John refers to his people as DEAR CHILDREN, and Peter calls his 
people DEAR FRIENDS.  But, yours!  Your style is the best so 
far, YOU FOOLISH GALATIANS!  What if I kind of meld all three 
writings styles? DEAR LOW-LIFE SLOBS. What do you think?

PAUL -- What about substance?  

HERB -- Paul, you keep talking about substance.  What do you 
want from me?

PAUL -- Substance.  

HERB -- What substance?

PAUL -- What do you want people to do after they've read your 

HERB -- Oh, you mean like when YOU say FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE.  Yeah, 
I could say that.

PAUL -- What kind of an example are you? 

HERB -- You mean me personally?

PAUL -- Yes.

HERB -- (snaps fingers) That's it!  Perfect!  That's my message!  
That's my substance.  (writes and mumbles) Now all I have to do 
formulate a catchy phrase that shows what a good example I am.  
They'll love it.  I'll be the most quoted author in the New 
Testament. There. I like it. But a good verse like this is too 
good to lead off my epistle. I should probably save this verse 
to put in chapter three, verse sixteen, so it will be easy to 
memorize. (to Paul) Herb 3:16, get it?

PAUL -- No.

HERB -- I've got a message, a perfect example.  Real substance. 
Oh, you'll really like it.  I've already got a catchy memory 
verse in mind, too. Listen to this. Herb 3:16 -- I DON'T SMOKE 

What do you think?

PAUL -- (exits quickly, silently)

HERB -- (follows) Where are you going? I was just getting 
started? Hey, wait a minute.

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