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BAPTIST  5'3m0f John the Baptist almost fails to baptize Jesus

COP --- (pointing gun offstage) Alright, you in the river, 
freeze, scum bag!

JOHN -- (from offstage) Are you talking to me?

COP --- Let that man go and put your hands in the air, you 
hairball.

JOHN -- (from offstage) But, officer, I...

COP --- Listen, scum bag, this is a 357 magnum, the most 
powerful handgun in the world. It could blow your head clean 
off. Now what you gotta ask yourself is do you feel lucky?

JOHN -- (enters, hands raised) Don't shoot. My hands are up, 
see?

COP --- Now, turn around, nice and slow, and put put hands 
behind your head.

JOHN -- But, officer, I...

COP --- Go ahead, make my day.

JOHN -- (turns, hands behind head) I'm turning, I'm turning. 
Just like you said, see?

COP --- (puts on hand cuffs) Alright, scum bucket, you're under 
arrest for attempted murder.

JOHN -- Attempted murder?! Who was I trying to kill?

COP --- Come on, hair ball, there must be 500 people here saw 
you trying to drown that poor guy in the river there.

JOHN -- I wasn't trying to drown him. I was baptizing him.

COP --- Save it for the judge, dirt ball. (pulls out book, 
writes) Just help me fill out this form, then we'll haul you off 
to jail where you can cool off. Name?

JOHN -- My name is John.

COP --- Last name?

JOHN -- I don't have a last name. The people call me John the 
Baptist.

COP --- Oh! You go by a handle, eh? Well, I know your type. 
You're a drug dealer. (frisks John) I'll just pat you down and 
see if you're carrying. Alright, scum bag, where did you stash 
the drugs?

JOHN -- Drugs? I don't have any drugs. I don't even drink wine.

COP --- You are the worst possible predator on humanity. You 
pedal your poison and live off the misery of others. You make me 
puke. (writes) No last name. Charges: attempted murder, 
suspicion of drug dealing. Make it easy on yourself, fella. Tell 
me where you stashed your drugs and I'll put in a good for you 
with the D.A. 

JOHN -- I told you, I don't have any drugs.

COP --- Then why are all these people standing in line? And 
don't tell me that they were waiting patiently so you could try 
to drown them too.

JOHN -- I told you. I wasn't trying to drown him. I was 
baptizing him. And they all came to be baptized too.

COP --- Right. And if I believe that I'll bet you've got some 
swamp land in Florida you'd like to sell me, heh. Alright, 
what's your address?

JOHN -- My address?

COP --- Yes, where do you live?

JOHN -- I live in the desert.

COP --- This just gets better and better. Listen, scum ball, 
I've had a long day. Just tell me your address.

JOHN -- I told you. I live in the desert.

COP --- Alright. Have it your way. I try to be a nice guy. 
Charges: Attempted murder, suspicion of drug dealing AND 
vagrancy. Occupation? And don't tell me you're a baptist.

JOHN -- Well, I'm a prophet, too.

COP --- Profit? See? I knew you were in it for the money.

JOHN -- Not that profit. I'm a prophet. I foretell the future.

COP --- Oh, that scam, eh? Let's see here, attempted murder, 
suspicion of drug dealing, vagrancy AND fortune telling fraud.

JOHN -- I'm not a fortune tell...

COP --- So, how much are these poor dupes paying you to tell 
their fortune?

JOHN -- They don't pay me anything, officer.

COP --- Where did you stash the money?

JOHN -- I don't have any money because I don't charge anything. 
I don't need any money. I live off the land in the desert.

COP --- Right. And if I believe that I'll bet you've got this 
bridge for sale at a bargain basement price. So, if you don't 
have any money, how do you eat?

JOHN -- I eat wild honey and locusts.

COP --- Alright, scum bag, you're history. I'm telling the D.A. 
to throw the book at you.

JOHN -- I'm sorry if it's hard for you to believe, officer, but 
that's how I live.

COP --- Recommendations: Complete psychiatric exam. So, what were 
you and the other guy fighting about.

JOHN -- We weren't fighting. I told you, I was baptizing him.

COP --- Oh, I got it. Fighting over drug territories, eh? What's 
the name of the victim.

JOHN -- Victim? Oh, you mean my cousin. That's Jesus of 
Nazareth.

COP --- His occupation.

JOHN -- He's the Messiah.

COP --- I don't want his handle. I need his occupation.

JOHN -- Well, he WAS a carpenter, but he's now a full time 
messiah.

COP --- And what does a messiah do?

JOHN -- He is God incarnate.

COP --- Don't get smart with me, scum bag, or I'd drop you like 
a bad habit.

GOD --- (deep booming voiceover with echos) This is my son in 
whom I am well pleased.

(the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings the Hallelujah Chorus)

JOHN -- Now do you believe me, officer? (pause) Officer? 
Officer?

COP --- (stunned) Huh?

JOHN -- Do you believe me now?

COP --- Believe what?

JOHN -- Do you believe that I'm a prophet and that Jesus is God 
incarnate? (pause) Are you alright, officer?

COP --- Huh?

JOHN -- Are you alright?

COP --- Ah, yeah. (takes off hand cuffs) You're free to go.

JOHN -- So, you DO believe me?

COP --- Huh? Not on your life, scum bucket. But if I arrest you, 
my report has to include that... that... whatever that was.

JOHN -- That was the descending of the Holy Spirit.

COP --- Whatever it was... I'd have to include it in my report. 
I'll be filling out reports for a week and it would be me going 
in for a psychiatric exam. Me, I've got bigger fish to fry... 
like that guy in the chariot there. (points)Hey, fella... (pulls 
gun, exits) you in the chariot! That was an illegal left turn, 
pull over.


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