ADULTER2 8'1m3f Woman caught in the act of adultery

(all characters wear tunic and sandals)

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator. I wanted to take you along with me on this
case so you can see that private investigators are not all about
sleazy divorce cases. On this particular case I have been called
to the temple in Jerusalem.

WIFE -- (enters opposite) You the private dick?

SAM -- The name is Spade. Sam Spade. I'm a private investigator.
In fact, I'm the world's greatest...

WIFE -- Save it. You've got the job.

SAM -- I'm listening.

WIFE -- My husband is cheating on me and I want a divorce.

SAM -- (to audience, sighs) Listen, I swear! A lot of my cases
have nothing to do with divorces! (to wife) Alright, I'll take
the case. (to audience) Listen, a guy has to pay the bills. And
divorce cases pay the bills. (to wife) So, why did you call me
to the temple in Jerusalem to give me a divorce case?

WIFE -- My husband is a member of the Sanhedrin. (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Let me tell you a little bit about the
detective business. The higher the visibility of the client, the
higher the fee. This is doubly true for high visibility clients
who are SUPPOSED to be religious. If I work my cards right, I
could make a ton of money from this client PLUS a fair chunk of
change if I sell the same information to other interested
parties. (to wife) Alright, I'm on the case....

WIFE -- His name is Caiaphas.

SAM -- Caiaphas?! The chief priest?!

WIFE -- Yes.

SAM -- (to audience) High visibility! (smiles broadly,
suppresses smile, turns to Wife)

WIFE -- Well?! Get started!

SAM -- There was just the small matter of my retainer.

WIFE -- Here. (tosses pouch) Now, make it snappy! (exits)

SAM -- (shakes pouch near ear, smiles, turns, strolls, to
audience) I followed Caiaphas for less than one day before I
found grounds for divorce.

ADULTRESS -- (enters opposite with hand covering face)

SAM -- (stands in her path, points to exit) Who was that man I
saw you with?

ADULTRESS -- Man? I wasn't with any man. Let me by.

SAM -- (resists) You were with Caiaphas the chief Priest.

ADULTRESS -- I think you were mistaken. Let me by.

SAM -- Okay, I'll let you by.

ADULTRESS -- (passes) Thank you.

SAM -- I'll just tell his wife.

ADULTRESS -- (stops, turns) You wouldn't!

SAM -- Well, if it's not true, what harm would it do?

ADULTRESS -- Please. I need that money.

SAM -- Oh, so, he pays you?

ADULTRESS -- Please. I don't want any trouble!

SAM -- (smiles to audience) How much does he pay you?

ADULTRESS -- Enough to buy groceries for my baby.

SAM -- Baby?! Did you say BABY?


SAM -- Whose baby?

ADULTRESS -- Please. I don't want any trouble.

SAM -- There won't be any trouble IF you tell me... whose baby.

ADULTRESS -- I don't know. It was one of them.

SAM -- One of who?

ADULTRESS -- Please. I don't want any trouble.

SAM -- One of who?

ADULTRESS -- The Sanhedrin. They pass me around like a party
favor. I don't know which one of them is the father. Please
don't say anything. If someone finds out he'll stop paying for
the baby.

SAM -- My lips are sealed....

ADULTRESS -- (turns, moves to exit)

SAM -- (follows, to audience) But I'd like you to come with me.

ADULTRESS -- (stops, turns) Where?

SAM -- To her.

WIFE -- (enters opposite) I knew it. Is this the little tart?!

ADULTRESS -- Please. I don't want any trouble.

WIFE -- Thanks. (takes Adultress' elbow) I'll take it from here.

SAM -- There was just the matter of my bonus.

WIFE -- Bonus?! I never promised you a bonus.

SAM -- This is a high visibility case. Call it damage control.

WIFE -- You mean blackmail!

SAM -- (smiles to audience, shrugs)

WIFE -- (tosses another pouch) You parasite! (tugs Adultress,
turns) Come on, you.

SAM -- Where are you taking her?

WIFE -- (turns) I just figured a way to rid my life of this...

SAM -- Grounds for divorce?

WIFE -- Yes.

SAM -- You don't want to do anything that could put you in jail.

WIFE -- I'm not.

SAM -- Then what will you do with her?

WIFE -- Jesus of Nazareth is in town.

SAM -- So?

WIFE -- So, I hear that Jesus is soft on crime. I can discredit
Jesus at the same time I get rid of this problem.

SAM -- I don't get it.

WIFE -- I'm going to ask Jesus to stone her to death in public,
OR I'll ask for a great deal of money to quietly divorce my
husband. (exiting with Adultress) Either way, I can't lose.

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Using my considerable
skills, I tracked down Jesus to see if I could sell this same
information to a second interested party.

MARY -- (enters opposite, holds up hand) I'm sorry. Jesus can't
see you now. He's teaching in the temple courts.

SAM -- But I have some very valuable information.

MARY -- What kind of information?

SAM -- There's a good chance that a very powerful person will
accuse Jesus of being soft on crime.

MARY -- Soft on crime?! That's ridiculous! Jesus is God. HE is
the one who invented the death penalty!

SAM -- You're kidding! Jesus claimed to be God himself?!

MARY -- The Jews recently tried to stone Jesus to death for
claiming to be the great I AM of the burning bush.

SAM -- So, if someone deserving of the death penalty was thrown
at Jesus' feet, he wouldn't hesitate to put him to death?

MARY -- Not at all, assuming the charges were true.

SAM -- So, if I had information about someone plotting to do
that, Jesus wouldn't want to buy such information and save
himself from embarrassment?

MARY -- Sorry, no sale. (exits)

SAM -- Bummer. (turns, strolls, to audience) Well, like any
other business, in the detective business, you learn something
new all the time.

ADULTRESS -- (enters opposite)

SAM -- What are you doing here?! I thought you would be dead by

ADULTRESS -- Me too.

SAM -- What happened? Did Caiaphas buy off his wife with a big
cash settlement?

ADULTRESS -- No. Caiaphas denied that he even knew me.

SAM -- I'm sure that didn't satisfy his wife.

ADULTRESS -- No. She threw me at Jesus' feet and accused me of

SAM -- So, you should be dead by now.

ADULTRESS -- Yes, I should. But I'm not.

SAM -- I don't get it. The penalty for adultery is death. Did
the Jews change the law?

ADULTRESS -- No. The law is still the same as it was in the days
of Moses.

SAM -- But Jesus let you go?

ADULTRESS -- He had no choice. All the accusers left.

SAM -- What do you mean they left?

ADULTRESS -- Jesus said it was okay to stone me to death, but
the first stone should be throne by someone who....

SAM -- Who... what?

ADULTRESS -- Well, he said "Let he who is without sin cast the
first stone". But since all of the accusers had slept with me,
he was really saying, "Let he who isn't guilty of the same thing
cast the first stone." As soon as Jesus said it, they all left.

SAM -- So, Jesus just let you go?

ADULTRESS -- The law of Moses says that if there aren't at least
two witnesses, there can't be any punishment. So, Jesus said,
"Go and sin no more" and sent me on my way.

SAM -- That was lucky.

ADULTRESS -- Luck had nothing to do with it.

SAM -- What do you mean?

ADULTRESS -- I think Jesus knew in advance that all of my
accusers were also my lovers.

SAM -- How could he possibly know that?!

ADULTRESS -- He IS God, you know. (exits)

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) So, there you have it. I
was personally involved with one of the Bible's most famous
events and my name will never appear in the Bible. Why? Because,
I, the world's greatest private-eye am a humble man.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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