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MERCY    6'1m2f Cub reporter interviews Grace and Mercy

ANN --  And now as a special feature of Christian News Network, 
we switch you live to Main street in the heart of downtown and 
our special correspondent Jess Rivers. Jess? 

EDDY -- (blows on mic) Is this thing on? (blows on mic) Hello, 
testing, testing. 

ANN --  This isn't Jess Rivers. Who is this? 

EDDY -- This is Eddy. I mean... (Deep voice, pro) This is Eddy, 
sitting in for Jess Rivers, who couldn't make it. (Kid talk) So, 
ah, I'm gonna do the interview. 

ANN --  Who is this again? 

EDDY -- This is Eddy... the guy who drives the truck and carries 
the sound stuff? Da. I only seen you a million times in the 
office. Anyways, I got these two babes here with me. They're 
whatchamacallits. Twins. And they're also whatchamacallits. Angels. 
And I'm gonna interview 'em. So, ah, what are your names? See I 
already know your names, but the audience don't, so I gotta ask 
you again, cuz that's what interviewers do when they interview.

MERCY - (harsh) My name is Mercy. And this is here my identical 
sister Grace. 

EDDY -- Okay, so, ah, what's my next question here, ah. Oh, 
yeah, ah, I read about Grace and Mercy in the Bible. And that 
was 2000 years ago, so, ah, no offense or nothin' but, ah, you 
don't look no 2000 years old. 

MERCY - Yeah, so what? I'm an angel. Angels is ageless. 

EDDY -- Okay, so, ah, good answer. Ah, let's see here. Ah, I was 
expecting that, since you was babes and all, that you would be 
dressed nicer. 

MERCY - You don't like the way I dress, kid? 

EDDY -- I didn't mean no offense or nothin', but I mean, ah, I 
just didn't expect to see two angels named Grace and Mercy 
dressed in police uniforms. 

MERCY - Somethin' wrong with my uniform, kid? 

EDDY -- No. It's a nice uniform as uniforms go. And, oh, by the 
way, that's the biggest gun I ever seen. 

MERCY - The wages of sin is death you know. 

EDDY -- (gulp) Ah, yeah, I read that somewhere. Ah, let's see, 
Romans 6:23 right? 

MERCY - Don't patronize me boy. Patronizing me might be  
construed as a sin and the wages of sin is DEATH. 

EDDY -- Ah, yeah, so you said. Say, listen, ah, like this is my 
first interview and I'm supposed to ask some personal stuff.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of expected someone 
named MERCY to be, well, ah, nicer. 

MERCY - Kid, you ain't seen nothin. You shoulda seen me in the 
old days. 

EDDY -- The old days? 

MERCY - Yeah, you know, in Old testament times, before Jesus made 
me holster my sidearm here, before he changed our names. 

EDDY -- So, ah, Jesus changed your name, huh? 

MERCY - Yeah, he gets a kick out of that kind of stuff.  
Remember, he changed Simon's name to Peter and Saul's name to 
Paul. He says changing their names makes them change the way 
they look at themselves. 

EDDY -- So, ah, what was your name before he changed it to 
Mercy? 

MERCY - My name was FIRE and Grace's name was BRIMSTONE. 
Remember what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah? 

EDDY -- That was you? 

MERCY - They had it coming. So, the chief unleashed his two best 
angels of death on 'em. We pulled out out sidearms and kaPING, 
kaPING. When we finished with 'em, there was nothin' but ashes 
and smoke. Boy, we were good! 

EDDY -- Ah, say, ah, listen, ah, you wouldn't, ah,... You 
wouldn't...

MERCY - Naw! Jesus made us holster our sidearms. You're safe... 
for now, kid. (chuckles) 

EDDY -- So, you don't, like, kill nobody no more, huh? 

MERCY - Nah, sometimes I'd like to. Some people got it coming. 
But, Mercy is my name and mercy is my game. I'm supposed to be a 
uniformed presence, a constant reminder to Christians that they 
had it comin' but they skated by. If I had my way, whenever 
ANYbody messes up, I'd punch his ticket. Kaping. Kaping. I say 
kill 'em all and let the chief sort 'em out. But, noooo! I 
gotta stand around with my arms folded, looking like a  
rent-a-cop. Mercy. What kind of name is that for an angel of 
death? 

EDDY -- So, ah, the Lord won't even let you blast away at the 
nonChristians? 

MERCY - What for? I mean, look at what the sinners are doing to 
themselves: wars, drugs, disease. It's like an angel of death 
couldn't make a living anymore, even if she wanted to. 

EDDY -- Did ya ever think about changing jobs? 

MERCY - Now way. When Jesus comes again, he'll take the  
Christians out of the line of fire and then watch my smoke. 

EDDY -- Kaping, Kaping. 

MERCY - You got it, kid. Grace and Mercy become Fire and 
Brimstone again. Then watch out. 

EDDY -- Speaking of Grace, where did your sister go? I need to 
interview her too. 

MERCY - She takes her new name way too serious. 

EDDY -- What do you mean? 

MERCY - I mean, for her, it's not enough that the Christians 
skated by without gettin' their ticket punched. Noooo. She's 
gotta go out lookin' for ways to give them stuff they didn't 
even earn. 

EDDY -- Unmerited favor. 

MERCY - What? 

EDDY -- I looked it up. That's what Grace means.  

MERCY - You Christians like all them buzz words. Anyways, Grace 
is probably off helping some Christian slob who, if justice was 
really served, should have his lights turned out for good. She 
always says, "Jesus paid their penalty". But that's no excuse 
for givin' 'em stuff they ain't even got comin'. Makes me puke.

EDDY -- So, ah, that's our special report from downtown. This is 
Eddy sitting in for Jess Rivers, turning it back over... 

MERCY - That Jess Rivers must be a Christian, eh? 

EDDY -- Yeah, why? 

MERCY - Grace just unlocked the back of that truck and let him 
out. Who do you suppose locked him in there? 

EDDY -- Back to you in the studio. Here, hold this microphone. 
Bye! 

MERCY - Hey, where you going, kid? Hey! Is this thing on? This 
is Mercy, your angel of death, reminding you that you got it 
comin'. You just wait til Jesus comes again. 


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