JOY      5'1m1f Cub reporter interviews Joy and Happiness

EDDY --      (blows on mic) Is this thing on? Testing, testing, 
one, two, three. Yeah, okay, we're on, so, ah, this is Eddy with 
another excellent interview. See, I'm a reporter. But, see, 
currently I'm out of work. So, I, like borrowed the facilities 
of some rich dude's radio station an', well, you don't want to 
hear all that. I'll just hurry and do this interview and get out 
of here. That way the cops won't catch me. So, I'm Eddy. And I'm 
a reporter and ... did I mention that I need a job? Anyways, my 
exclusive interview today is with 2 identical twins and their 
names are Happiness and Joy. So, ah, which one are you?

HAPPINESS -- My name is Happiness.

EDDY --      (aside) See, I already knew that, but that's the 
kind of junk we reporters ask. (giggles) 

Hey! There were supposed to be twins here. Where's your sister 
Joy, Happiness, heh, heh?

HAPPINESS -- I told her not to come. She's so sweet it makes me 
sick to my stomach.

EDDY --      (aside) So, ah, did you notice how I'm, like, not 
flustered when one of my guests doesn't show up? See, that's a 
mark of a excellent reporter. Did I mention that I'm looking for 
a job? My name is Eddy. So, ah, back to the interview. 

So, tell me, Happiness, why don't you look happy?

HAPPINESS -- What's there to be happy about?

EDDY --      (aside) Now listen to this penetrating question as I 
draw her out. 

So, ah, would you like to expand on that?

HAPPINESS -- Well, when I was growing up, I thought that getting 
my driver's license would make me happy.

EDDY --      And did it?

HAPPINESS -- For a while. But then all the kids got there's and 
it was no big deal anymore. So, then, I thought I'd be happy 
when I graduated from high school and college.

EDDY --      Tell us all about it. Heh, heh.

HAPPINESS -- Well, I was happy for a while. But, what's the big 
deal? My first job out of college all the people in the office 
had college degrees.

EDDY --      Then what happened, he inquired. Heh, heh.

HAPPINESS -- Right back into a slump again.

EDDY --      So, tell our listeners, what makes you happy right 
now? A new dress, a new car, a new house, a boy friend, what?

HAPPINESS -- Oh, those things make me happy, alright. But it 
never seems to last.

EDDY --      (aside) Okay, okay, now listen to this. We're 
coming to the climax. If you have a tape recorder handy, press 
the record button now. You might hear some the sound bites that 
will appear on the evening news. 

So, ah, Happiness, tell us about your sister Joy.

HAPPINESS -- She makes me sick.

EDDY --      Tell our listeners why.

HAPPINESS -- She's happy, even when things aren't going her way. 
She drives an old car, she wears hand-me-down clothes, she lives 
in a cruddy apartment, she's not dating anyone, her job stinks, 
she doesn't make half the money I make, but still she's happy 
almost all the time. She makes me puke.

EDDY --      If you'll permit me to say so, Joy's happiness is 
not based on her circumstances, huh? Heh, heh.

HAPPINESS -- No, I hate her. She should be miserable like me.

EDDY --      So, ah, there's no joy in Happiness, eh? Heh, heh.

HAPPINESS -- Very Funny. Well, I don't know how she does it, but 
I know I'm going to be happy myself real soon.

EDDY --      Oh, really? Would you like to tell our listeners 
about it?

HAPPINESS -- I'm going to another seminar.

EDDY --      So, do seminars usually make you happy?

HAPPINESS -- For a while.

EDDY --      Then, the newness wears off and...

HAPPINESS -- This seminar won't be like that, though.

EDDY --      Oh, tell our listeners all about it.

HAPPINESS -- This seminar redefines happiness as "a constant 
state of malaise punctuated by an occasional anomalous period of 
unreality." Once I understand what that means, I'll be happy all 
the time.

EDDY --      (aside) Okay, so, ah, that's the interview for 

HAPPINESS -- My sister would like you.

EDDY --      Well, tell her that my name is Eddy and as soon as 
I, like find a job as a reporter, I'll take her to dinner at 
Burger King or something.

HAPPINESS -- Oh, I don't mean that she'd like to date you. She 
has better taste than that.

EDDY --      (aside) As a seasoned reporter, I am trained to 
ignore comments like that and go for the heart of an issue. Keep 
your tape recorders running. 

So, ah, why do you think Joy would like me, huh? Is it because 
I'm a seasoned reporter who's gonna get a great job after this 

HAPPINESS -- She likes everybody. She's one of those Christians. 
Say, do you know what would make ME real happy?

EDDY --      What.

HAPPINESS -- Well, I get half off my seminar fee if I enroll 
someone else and...

EDDY --      Oh, geez, I'm having trouble with my microphone 
connection. (mouth-made static)

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