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HALFPAGE 9' m f Dozens of half-page sketches, some secular

APP --  Jesus, look at the crowds coming to hear you teach.

JESUS - Yes, there must be at least 5000 people here.

APP --  But it is late in the day and they are hungry. Send them 
away so that they may go to the surrounding countryside and 
villages to buy themselves something to eat.

JESUS - This little boy has 5 small barley loaves and two 
fishes. You feed the crowd.

APP --  Me?

JESUS - Yes, what can you offer them?

APP --  Well, I thought we'd start off with a cold consume', 
followed by a tossed spinach salad with a zesty oil and vinegar 
dressing, followed by our entre' of poached fresh salmon fillet 
with a light dill sauce, served on a bed of wild rice with whole 
baby carrots on the side and light flakey french bread, hot out 
of the oven. Would that be alright?

JESUS - Yeah, okay. We'll save MY miracle til later.


SALVATION BY PHONE


Hi, and welcome to the salvation hotline. 

If you take Jesus for your savior press 1.
If you are recommitting your life to Christ, press 2.


STARFISH

(beach sounds)

BOY --  (grunts, splash)

MAN --  What are you doing, young fella?

BOY -- (grunts, splash) There was a storm last night that washed 
up all these starfish. I'm throwing them back and saving their 
lives.

MAN --  Kid, there must be thousands... maybe millions of 
starfish on this beach. What possible difference can one little 
boy make with all these starfish.

BOY --  I can make a difference to this one. (grunts, splash)


NOAH

a -- Noah. Noah. Where are you?

b -- I'm up here on the poop deck, my wife.

a -- Oh, there you are. There are animals in our state room.

b -- There are animals in all the rooms, my wife.

a -- And it's raining. What fun is a cruise when it rains?

b -- Be patient, my wife. It won't last.

a -- And all we eat is yak meat. Is that all we can do is yak?

b -- That's all some of us do.

a -- And what is that smell?

b -- This is the poop deck, my wife.


DRIVER

a --It sure took you long enough! Come on, get in, we're
already late.

I can't believe you're wearing THAT! Didn't you have something
else to wear? Nevermind. Just shut up and listen to the radio.
I don't even want to hear your excuses.

Aw, this stop light! The guy who engineered this stop stop
light was nuts. I never make this light.

Come on, fella, let's go. The light is green! What's the
matter? You blind or something. Move it! Move it!

Oh, nice turn signal, buddy! Did you see that? What a jerk.
I hope you find out who your father was, buddy!

Hey, fella, the speed limit is forty five on this road! Look
at that jerk! He's not even going forty. Come on, fella, get
a move on!

Aw, look the parking lot is full already! I'll have to drop
you off here. Have a good time in Sunday School, Honey.


BLIND MAN SEES

a -- I am a poor blind man. Please tell me, who passes by?

b -- It is Jesus of Nazareth.

a -- Lord! Lord, Jesus! Lord, Jesus, please help me.

b -- Yes. I will help you. What would you like me to do?

a -- I am blind. You can make me see.

b -- I will make you see. (hocks and spits)

a -- Wait a minute. What are you doing?

b -- I am making mud for your eye with dirt and spit.

a -- Spit? You're going to spit in my eye?

b -- Well, yes.

a -- (fading) Who else passes by? I am a poor blind man. Please 
tell me, who passes by?


VEND-A-SACRIFICE

    (footsteps)

a -- Hey, fella.

b -- Huh? Who said that?

a -- Pssst. Over here.

b -- Well, look at this, a talking vending machine.

a -- Listen, fella, you don't have to hassle with the money 
changers and sacrifice sellers over in the temple courts.

b -- Hey, how did you know I was just heading for the tem....

a -- Listen, fella, you've got SIN written all over your face. 
You need to make a sacrifice to the Lord, right?

b -- Well, yeah, but...

a -- Hey, a sacrifice is a sacrifice. Why not go for the
convenience. Just drop a shekel my slot here. 

b -- Well, alright. (clink, clank, thud) Hey! This dove is dead.

a -- Oh, now the sinner thinks he can be choosy? Get lost
creep.


VEND-A-CONFESSION

    (footsteps)

a -- Hey, fella.

b -- Huh? Who said that?

a -- Pssst. Over here.

b -- Well, look at this, a talking vending machine. What are you 
selling?

a -- Confessions. I'm a very good listener.

b -- Well, I don't know...

a -- Hey, get it off your chest. It's only five bucks.

b -- Five buck?!

a -- Hey, fella, you've got GUILT written all over your face. 
Put five bucks in the slot and get this over with.

b -- Well, alright. (clink clank thud)

a -- Okay, pal, I'm listening.

b -- (sighs) Well, where do I start? I drive faster than the 
speed limit, I take home some office supplies, I lied to the 
boss.

a -- Hey, hey! Read the sign, pal!

b -- Oh, sure. Ah... Bless me father, for I have sinned.

a -- That's better. Bless you my son. Let me hear your
confession.

b -- I just told you my confession.

a -- Alright, smart guy, for your act of contrition, drop
another five bucks in the slot.

b -- ANOTHER five bucks?!

a -- Alright, they're your sins. Rot in hell!

b -- Alright, Alright. Five bucks it is. (clink, clank, thud)
So, now I'm forgiven?

a -- Heck no. Only God can forgive sins.

b -- Then, why did I deposit all that money?

a -- So, that next time you can confess to being a chump.
Hit the road, sucker.


BIBLICAL GUIDELINES

He --  Honey?

She -- Yes, Dear.

He --  I have been studying the Bible and I have discovered
some Biblical guidelines for....us.

She -- What do you mean, for....us?

He --  I mean for our sex life.

She -- I can hardly wait. What about our sex life?

He --  I have decide that we should only have sex on days
beginning with "T". 

She -- I could live with that.

He --  Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and
Tunday.


IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES

Hal -- First Thessalonians 5:16 to 18 "Be joyful always. Pray
continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. For
this is God's will for you in Christ jesus."

Sal -- I give thanks in all circumstances. For instance, I
gave thanks when someone cut me off on the freeway.

Hal -- I gave thanks when someone ran me off the road.

Sal -- I gave thanks when I didn't get a pay raise.

Hal -- I gave thanks when I got a pay cut.

Sal -- I gave thanks when my parakeet died.

Hal -- I gave thanks when my house exploded. Well, I have
to be going. Good bye.

Sal -- Thank you, Lord.


Confession

a -- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

b -- Huh?

a -- It has been 6 months since my last confession.

b -- Six month?!

a -- I'm sorry, Father, but that's not the worst of it. I
embezzled money from my partner and slept with his wife.
(long pause) Hello. Is anybody in there?

b -- Yeah, I'm still here.

a -- Well, what should I do for my penance, Father?

b -- Why do you keep calling me father? I just came in here to
varnish the paneling.


RAPTURE

Jim --  Waiter?

Waiter- Yes, sir?

Jim --  Waiter, where did she go?

Waiter- Where did who go, sir?

Jim --  My date. She was sitting right here. When I looked up 
from my desert, she was gone.

Waiter- I'll get your waiter, sir. Maybe he saw... Oh, Dear, 
he's gone too. Maybe they ran off together.

Jim --  Oh, she'd never do that. She's a Christian.

Waiter- Isn't that a coincidence. Your waiter is a Christian too.

Jim --  Just my luck. They get raptured and I get stuck with the
dinner check.


PILOT

Pilot - This is bravo two niner seven calling Eagle One.

Eagle - We read you loud and clear, bravo two niner seven. 

Pilot - Eagle one, I've been hit by machine gun fire. One of
engines has flamed out and one of my fuel tanks is losing
fuel fast. I'm not sure I can make it back to base.

Eagle - Roger, bravo two niner seven. Trim up your plane and
lean out your fuel mixture.

Pilot - Roger, Eagle one. I've already done those things... 
Eagle one, it looks like my other fuel tank was hit too. I'm 
loosing fuel there too.

Eagle - We copy, bravo two niner seven. You have permission to
dump your remaining ordinance.

Pilot - Roger, Eagle one. Bombs away... Eagle One, I just lost 
my other engine. Do you have any instructions?

Eagle - Roger, bravo two niner seven, repeat after me. "Our 
Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...." 


SMALL CLAIMS

a -- Hi, welcome to heaven.

b -- Wow! It's really nice up here!

a -- What can I help you with?

b -- Well, this IS the claims department. I came to claim my
eternal rewards.

a -- I saw your work on Earth, sir, perhaps you should try
the SMALL claims department down the hall.


THE NEW BIBLE 

Homer - Howdy, perfesser. 

Prof -- Well, hello, Homer. You're looking pretty chipper tonight. 

Homer - Sure am. I bought me a new Bible. 

Prof -- New Bible, huh? 

Homer - Yup. And guess what version? 

Prof -- I give up what version is your Bible? 

Homer - It's the King James version. Know why I chose the king 
James version? 

Prof -- I can't imagine.

Homer - I figured that if it was good enough for Jesus, it's
good enough for me. 

Prof -- Homer, Jesus didn't speak Elizabethan Engli...

Homer - Oh, and looky here. It's the red letter edition. Know 
why them words is red? 

Prof -- I'm sure you'll tell me. Why are the words red?

Homer - So as Jesus would know what to say. 

Prof -- Good night, Homer. 

Homer - Good night, perfessor.


Relativity 

a -- Lord? 

b -- Yes, my son? 

a -- Lord, I've always wondered. What is a million years to you? 

b -- My son, a million years is but a second. 

a -- Lord, what is a million dollars to you? 

b -- My son, a million dollars is but a penny. 

a -- Lord, can I have a penny? 

b -- Just a second.


Meaning of life 

a -- Lord? 

b -- Yes, my son? 

a -- Lord, what are we here for? 

b -- My son, you're here for about seventy years. 


BURIAL

(knock, knock, knock)

PILATE - (afar) Yes, yes, come in.

(door open)

JOE ---- Governor Pilate, may I see you for a moment?  

PILATE - Why, it's Joseph of Arimathea! What a pleasure! Have a 
cigar. 

JOE ---- Thank you, Pontius, but I'm not here for a social call.

PILATE - Then what can I help you with?

JOE ---- I want to claim the body of Jesus of Nazareth.

PILATE - Why?

JOE ---- I want to bury him in my new tomb.

PILATE - You're kidding! You're the richest man in Jerusalem. 
Why would you use it for a poor carpenter from Galilee?

JOE ---- No big deal. He'll only need it for the weekend.



RAPTURE

JOE -- Well, that's it.

MOE -- What's it?

JOE -- After careful study, I have concluded that I am a 
PRE-millennialist.

MOE -- What do you mean?

JOE -- We PRE-millennialists believe that Christians will be 
lifted up to heaven BEFORE Jesus comes back.

MOE -- Well, I'm a Christian and I believe that Christians will 
be lifted up to heaven after the millennium. How can you possibly 
believe that we will be lifted up sooner?

JOE -- I'll explain it to you on the way up.



2:00 am

JOE -- I may not know the day when Jesus comes back, but I'm 
pretty sure I know the time.

MOE -- Naw! The Bible says noone knows the day nor the hour when 
Jesus will return.

JOE -- Well, I know the time.

MOE -- Alright, I'll bite. What time will Jesus come back.

JOE -- 2:00 am.

MOE -- Uh huh. (pause) Where?

JOE -- Where?

MOE -- Yeah, where will it be 2:00 am when Jesus comes back?

JOE -- I haven't figured that out yet.


LEAF

(P.A. with echos)

I'm excited to preach this morning's sermon from a new bible. 
It's a loose leaf bible, in a three-ring notebook. So, now, 
without further ado, our sermon for this morning is from Genesis 
2:21 & :22

"So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and 
while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed 
up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the 
rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man 
and she was naked. Then the man said....

I seem to half misplaced my leaf.


DORCAS 

(crowd noise)

BILL -- Howdy, stranger.

FRED -- Hi. Say what's with the crowd in front of that house 
over there?

BILL -- Oh, that's the house of a Christian woman who was dead 
for two days before the Apostle Peter raised her from the dead.

FRED -- You're kidding!

BILL -- Seriously. We were all really grieved beyond belief. She 
was a real servant in the church. She sewed clothes for the poor 
and gave every spare moment to serving the church.

FRED -- Oh, really? What was her name?

BILL -- Dorcas.

FRED -- (laughs) Dorcas?! You're kidding!

BILL -- No. What's so funny?

FRED -- (laughs) Oh, nothing. (laughs) Say, tell me, what do 
they call a dedicated Christian? DORCAS. (laughs) What do they 
call you when you raise from the dead? DORCAS. (laughs)

BILL -- That's not funny.

FRED -- (laughs) When you sew real good, they don't call you a 
seamstress anymore. They call you a DORCAS. (laughs until boff)

BILL -- Alright, buddy, you asked for it. 

(boff! birds tweet)

BILL -- DORCAS.


PLAYS ON WORDS

a -- What do they do in the Tower of Babel?

b -- Bdy ah, umm bgdah, pretiginaj, prkdia.




a -- What do you call a minister holding an oil lamp.

b -- You mean a Deacon with a Beacon?




a -- What's an 8-letter word for the study of doctors?

b -- Doxology.




a -- What do you call the belief in one God?

b -- That's monogamy.

a -- No, that's the belief in one wife.

b -- No, that's monotony.

a -- You're right.




a -- Why do they call it the Most Holy Place?

b -- It's badly in need of repair.


2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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