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ENVELOPE 4'2m?f Christmas questions are answered magically

ANNOUNCER -- I'd like to thank those of you in our studio 
audience who took the time and effort to ask a question of our 
special guest tonight. Your questions were verified and 
certified by the distinguished accounting firm of 
Price-Waterhouse, who hermetically sealed them in these 
envelopes which were guarded until this very moment by Brinks 
Armored Guards. Why all this secrecy and security, you ask? It 
is to demonstrate the great wisdom and power of our special 
guest here tonight. He is not only a Bible scholar but now 
declares himself to be a prophet. We shall see. Ladies and 
gentlemen, here to test his ability to answer your questions 
before you ask them is Doctor No Zitall. Please help me welcome 
Doctor No Zitall.

(applause)

DOCTOR -- Thank you, thank you very much.

ANNOUNCER -- Doctor, you did say you could answer any question 
about any subject?

DOCTOR -- That is correct. I am the world's smartest man.

ANNOUNCER -- And you did say that you would ANSWER the question, 
while the question is still in the sealed envelope?

DOCTOR -- That is correct. I have the gift of prophecy.

ANNOUNCER -- Alright, then, are you ready for your first 
question?

DOCTOR -- Yes, I... I can see the question clearly. The answer 
is... A thorn in the flesh.

ANNOUNCER -- The answer is... A thorn in the flesh. 

DOCTOR -- Yes.

ANNOUNCER -- I now tear open the envelope and read the question. 
(paper tearing) Again, the answer is... A thorn in the flesh. 
And the question is: What is the disadvantage of growing roses 
in a Nudist Colony? Next question.

DOCTOR -- Take my yoke upon you.

ANNOUNCER -- The question is: Is there any Biblical 
justification for a food fight?

DOCTOR -- A lamp unto my feet.

ANNOUNCER -- The question is: What is the worst kind of toe injury?

DOCTOR -- Give to him who has 5 talents.

ANNOUNCER -- The question is: Is there a Biblical guide for 
supporting street performers?

DOCTOR -- Seek your face.

ANNOUNCER -- What can I expect rocket fuel to do if I use it to 
light my barbeque?

DOCTOR -- There will be famines and earthquakes.

ANNOUNCER -- What can I expect if I criticize my wife's cooking?

DOCTOR -- The handwriting on the wall.

ANNOUNCER -- Is there any evidence that a prophet has visited a 
public rest room?

DOCTOR -- LO, I will be with you always.

ANNOUNCER -- Is there any Biblical reason for crawling on your belly?

DOCTOR -- 40 days & 40 nights
	
ANNOUNCER -- If I tell my wife that she looks like she's put on 
a few pounds, will she cut me off?

DOCTOR -- A sling shot and 5 smooth stones.

ANNOUNCER -- Is there anything my wife does NOT carry in her purse?

DOCTOR -- Blessed are the meek.

ANNOUNCER -- Why is this comedy sketch dying so badly?

DOCTOR -- Peace, be still?

ANNOUNCER -- What should I do when I run out of funny comedy 
material?

(the following are questions for the Christmas show)

DOCTOR -- Deck the halls

ANNOUNCER -- What should I do if my neighbors, Mr & Mrs Hall, 
ask to borrow money again?

DOCTOR -- Oh, holy night

ANNOUNCER -- What would be a good title for a song about Sir 
Lancelot falling on a bed of spikes?

DOCTOR -- It came upon a midnight clear

ANNOUNCER -- When did Channel 7 come in best?

DOCTOR -- Green sleeves 

ANNOUNCER -- What should I tell my son to expect if he keeps 
wiping his nose on his shirt?

DOCTOR -- God rest ye marry gentlemen

ANNOUNCER -- What should I change the men's room sign to for 
Christmas?

DOCTOR -- Hark, the Harold Angel sings

ANNOUNCER -- Do you know anybody named Hark? What does he do for 
a living?

DOCTOR -- White Christmas

ANNOUNCER -- What will my choir robe look like if I stop using 
Head 'n Shoulders?

DOCTOR -- We three kings of orient are

ANNOUNCER -- What do Toyota, Nissan and Mitzubishi have in common?

DOCTOR -- Angels we have heard on high

ANNOUNCER -- What reaction can I expect if an angel gets himself 
stuck in his zipper?

DOCTOR -- What child is this

ANNOUNCER -- What should I say when my preschooler climbs up to 
a department store mannequin and pulls its pants down?

DOCTOR -- Silent Night

ANNOUNCER -- What could possibly be better than this comedy routine?

Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the last question.

(applause)

DOCTOR -- Joy to the world

ANNOUNCER -- How should the audience react when this comedy 
sketch is over?

(applause)


2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
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