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EDITORIA 9'1m1f Editorials evaluate the pastor's sermons

ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "And this is the testimony. God has given us eternal 
LICE." Now what kind of heresy is that? I can tell you 
unequivocally, I am a Christian and I do not have lice. Okay, so 
I had lice when I was in second grade. But that was well before 
I became a Christian. And I know lots of Christians who have 
never had lice. Besides, being a Christian produces peace and 
joy and love. Those are all rewards for those who love Jesus. 
What kind of reward is LICE?! Like, "Hi, welcome to heaven. Here 
are your eternal lice. They will eat your skin and cause you to 
itch FOREVER?!" What kind of a reward is that? Why, even people 
in the secular world don't reward people like that! Can't you 
just see it?, "And now the Academy award for best director goes 
to Steven Spielberg. And and now, Steven, here's your lice?" 
What is that?! Visualize this: "The Ronald Reagan, new president 
of the United States, who won the election by a landslide, will 
now take the oath of office and then a thousand lice will be 
dropped into his shorts?" What is this heresy I'm hearing?!

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "God has given 
us eternal LIFE". LIFE with and F, as in Fred.

THELMA -- Oh, so, we won't have to itch and scratch forever?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: No temptation has seized you except what is common 
to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted 
beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also 
provide a way out so that you can stand IN YOUR UNDERWEAR. 
Ladies and gentlemen, I am outraged! The mere suggestion that 
God would resolve our temptation by making us stand in our 
underwear is preposterous! If you're a mother and you take your 
kids to the mall and they ask you, "Please, please, please, 
Mommy, can I have a Mrs Field's cookie?!" Do you tell your kids 
"Temptation has really seized you. Now, stand in your 
underwear"? I think not. If you go to a weight watchers meeting 
and some guy weighs in with a 2 pound weight loss, but says "I 
was really tempted when I went by a T.J. Cinnamons the other 
day." Do you say, "Alright, buddy, temptation has really seized 
you. Out to the parking lot and stand in your underwear"?! I 
think not.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But when you 
are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can 
stand up under it." Meaning you can stand up under the 
temptation.

THELMA -- So, I don't have to go out and replace my holey 
underwear?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "If we confess our sins, he is faith and just and 
will forgive us our sins and PUREE us." Ladies and gentlemen, I 
ask you. Does this sound like the gracious and merciful God you 
know? Does the same God who forgives sin put the sinner in a 
blender and turn it on at top speed, turning the sinner into 
moosh? I think not. I personally have never been in a Catholic 
church whose confessional had built-in stainless steel blades. 
Ladies and gentlemen, of all the heresies that our pastor has 
foisted upon his congregation, this is the most ridiculous. The 
Lord our God is a merciful father. Can you imagine a father who, 
after his own beloved daughter comes up to him and says, "Daddy, 
I wet my bed." and he says, "Oh, That's okay, my little 
princess" Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I ask 
you, how many of us sinners to you think there would be left in 
this world if, when we confessed our sins, the Lord PUREEd us?

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "He will 
forgive us our sins and PURIFY us."

THELMA -- So, I don't have to worry about being PUREEd or 
Frapeed?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Do not let this GOOP of the law depart from your 
mouth. MEDICATE on it day and night." I ask you , Ladies and 
Gentlemen, is our pastor advocating drug addiction? What is this 
medication that our beloved pastor is advocating that we scarf 
down day and night. GOOP? What is GOOP. Is this a veiled 
reference to manna from heaven? Are we as New Testament 
Christians expected to cook up a batch of manna that only 
appeared in the desert for the Hebrews thousands of years ago? 
Or is this GOOP of the law really some confiscated drugs that 
dirty homeless drug junkies shoot up? Are we supposed shoot up 
too? Is that what our beloved pastor is trying to ram down our 
collective throats. Or are we supposed to go to the the doctor 
and ask for a prescription from some miracle drug call GOOP? If 
we are not supposed to let this GOOP depart from our mouths, how 
is this miracle drug supposed to take effect? And even if the 
medication some how takes effect, whatever happened to faith 
healing?  What heresy is this that our pastor is trying to force 
upon our congregation?! 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not let 
this BOOK of the law depart from your mouth. MEDITATE on it day 
and night."

THELMA -- So, there's nothing to shoot up or eat?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God 
is INTERNAL STRIFE in Christ Jesus our Lord." Internal strife?! 
What nonsense is this?! Now, I ask you, if Jesus is the Prince 
of Peace, is he going to give anybody the gift of internal 
strife? I have never been so offended in my whole life! Look, 
look at Galatians 5:22. It says "but the fruit of the Spirit is 
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and 
faithfulness". Let me repeat that. "But the fruit of the Spirit 
is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and 
faithfulness" Did you hear anything in there about internal 
strife? What kind of drivel is our pastor trying to foist on us 
this week?! INTERNAL STRIFE?! Maybe the pastor is saying that 
the way you know your country is mostly Christian is that it is 
embroiled in civil war. INTERNAL STRIFE?! The next thing our 
pastor will be selling is that the gift of God is a peptic ulcer 
or a spastic colon. Are we to believe that the mark of a 
Christian can only be witnessed by sigmoid proctoscopy? 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "...the gift of 
God is ETERNAL LIFE."

THELMA -- So, I don't need Maalox?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Just as man is destined to TAIWAN and after that 
to face judgement." Ladies and gentlemen, I think our pastor has 
finally gone round the bend. He's over the hill. Are we to 
believe that we will face judgement if we fly over to TAIWAN? 
What could possibly be so bad about Taiwan that we will face 
judgement by going there? Does this mean that I can't wear my 
T-shirt that was made in Taiwan? Do I have to take away all the 
toys my children play with that were made in Taiwan? This 
statement smacks of racism. If our pastor condemns Taiwan today, 
will he be condemning mainland China tomorrow. Can Japan bashing 
and Korea bashing be far behind. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask 
you, can we allow our pastor, who obviously has a political 
agenda, attack one of America's allies from the pulpit? I think 
not. I am convinced that the best way for evil to succeed is for 
good men to do nothing. Therefore, I will be the first one in 
line at the ticket counter tomorrow to buy an airplane ticket to 
Taiwan. Will I face judgement? I think not.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Just as man is 
destined to DIE ONCE and after that to face judgement."

THELMA -- So, there's no problem if I wear my T-shirt with the 
"made in Taiwan" label?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed 
HE'S INSANE, he gave the right to become the children of God." 
Look who's calling the kettle black. There are those of us who 
believe that our pastor has lost it. Can there be any doubt now? 
Our pastor is now saying that in order to be a Christian, you 
have to believe that our Lord is a raving lunatic. What is 
this?! Okay, Okay, so maybe Jesus did some things that seemed a 
little nuts, like touching dirty ugly people with leprosy.... 
Yuk. And that parable of the ten brides? What is that? I mean, a 
guy would have to be a real stud to marry ten brides at once. 
But, I digress. My point is that Jesus is God and he's allowed 
to be a little accentric if he wants to. Doesn't he? But, 
INSANE? I resemble that remark. To call the creator of the 
universe INSANE is going a little far. And I think we should 
look around for another pastor before he....

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Yet to all who 
received him, to those who believed IN HIS NAME, he gave the 
right to become the children of God."

THELMA -- So, he's not insane?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as 
Lord and ourselves as your hermits for Jesus' sake."  HERMITS?! 
What, are we supposed to be recluses now? Does this mean the new 
order of the day is "every man for himself"? What balderdash! 
This is just one more example of our pastor's slipshod way of 
dispensing ad hoc theology and it's got to stop! Would he have 
us each check into a cloistered monastery and not say another 
word for decades? Who would preach the gospel to the hungry 
masses? I, for one, am not heading for the hills. I will stand 
here and fight to the last, until this heresy is exposed for 
what it really is! Ladies and gentlemen, do not take this 
lightly. Our pastor would have us isolate ourselves from all 
others and become HERMITS for Jesus' sake. I am asking you to 
sign a petition to have this mad man removed before he....

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was ""For we do not 
preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your 
SERVANTS for Jesus' sake."

THELMA -- Servants? Not Hermits?

ANNOUNCER -- Servants. That's right.

THELMA -- Oh. Nevermind. 





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, 
baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of 
the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have 
commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end 
of the age." (pause) Well, what do you think of that?

ANNOUNCER -- Think of what? That's exactly what it says in the 
Bible. 

THELMA -- Ladies and gentlemen, can you see how pervasive this 
attack is on the Bible? Our pastor is even fooling our 
announcer now.

ANNOUNCER -- What do you mean he FOOLing me?

THELMA -- Alright, Mr Smarty pants, Okay, so if Jesus really 
said this... if he really said "Shirley I will be with you 
always." What about the rest of us?

ANNOUNCER -- What are you talking about?!

THELMA -- Okay, okay, suppose for just a minute, that Jesus 
really said, "Shirley I will be with you always." Who is this 
person named Shirley? Is Jesus talking about just one person 
named Shirley or is he saying that he will only be with people 
whose name is Shirley? First of all, I looked it up in a 
concordance. I found a woman named Ruth and another named 
Esther. I even found a woman named Priscilla. But I couldn't 
find a single occurrence of the name Shirley. But, regardless, 
why would Jesus say that he would ONLY be with women? That is 
preposterous! It's just another example of our pastor playing 
fast and loss with the Bible. It's time we find ourselves 
another pastor.

ANNOUNCER -- Wait. Wait just a minute.

THELMA -- Do you mind? I'm doing an editorial here.

ANNOUNCER -- Listen. Just listen. Matthew 28:19 and 20 says 
"SURELY I will be with you always". Not "Shirley I will be with 
you always. It's an adverb, not a proper name.

THELMA -- Oh, Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Young men in the same way be SUBMERSIVE to those 
who are older. Clothe yourselves with HUMIDITY." Is our pastor 
now suggesting that we replace our church service with a pool 
party or a water balloon fight? Would our pastor dare to suggest 
that the young men in our church hose down the older men? What 
kind of an example would that be for our children, to watch the 
adults push each other into the pool. What is the matter with 
this church? Has our church canon been replace by cannon balls 
and water canons? What can we expect next? Will we be baptizing 
new believers with squirt guns and fire hoses? Has our pastor 
lost complete control of his senses? Hasn't it always been a 
tradition of the church for the older men to baptize the younger 
men? I suppose if our pastor had his way, we'd be sending the 
teenaged boys to seminary and the older men to summer camp. 
Ladies and gentlemen, this heresy has to stop. This idea of 
making our older men SUBMERSIVE is not only foolish, it could be 
dangerous. What if the old men can't swim? And the idea of 
clothing yourselves with HUMIDITY is absurd at a time when our 
water resources are scarce.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Young men in 
the same way be SUBMISSIVE to those who are older. Clothe 
yourselves with HUMILITY."

THELMA -- So, I won't have to wear my bathing suit to church?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 



ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "But among you there must not be even a hint of 
TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY." Well, Mr Smartypants Pastor, I have only 
three things to say about that, "Picky, picky, picky." Our 
pastor, instead of concentrating on the essentials of the faith 
is now side-tracked on TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY: misprints. Talk 
about majoring on the minors, instead of talking about such 
important topics as confession or prayer or grace, our pastor 
talks about such trivial topics as spelling errors. Will I lose 
my salvation if I use a colon instead of a semicolon? Will I 
burn in the lake of fire for using the wrong verb tense? Am I 
destined for eternal separation from the Lord if I forget a 
comma? I think not. Alright, so maybe it's pretty important to 
copy manuscripts of the Bible accurately. After all, they ARE 
inspired by God himself. But if I write a love letter to my 
honey and sign it with X's and O's instead of hugs and kisses, 
will I be damned to hell? I think not. Why, the mere idea that 
our pastor wastes time on trivia like TEXTUAL ABNORMALITY 
turns my stomach.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "But among you 
there must not be even a hint of SEXUAL IMMORALITY."

THELMA -- Oh, so, punctuation errors aren't fatal, eh?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "I can do everything through him who gives me 
STRING." What drivel! What non-sense! What poppycock! Ladies and 
gentlemen, I have heard some stupid sermons in my life. But this 
one takes the cake. What he's saying is that if I want to do 
something for the Lord, I have to find someone who will give me 
STRING. Well, Mr Smartypants Pastor, how about a balloon vendor? 
He gives me string. Can I do everything through him? Have you 
seen some of the puny people who sell balloons? How long do you 
think they'd last in Africa preaching to the natives? I once 
knew a little old lady, must have been a hundred and three years 
old. She saved STRING all her life. Every time she got a package 
in the mail, she'd carefully snip off the string and wind it 
onto this big ball of string. By the time she died, that ball of 
string must have been two feet in diameter. Every time I went 
over to her house I always said, I said, "Mabel, that sure is a 
mighty nice ball off string you got there." And you know what 
she did? She remembered that I liked that ball of string. And 
when she died, she had it in her will that I should inherit that 
big ball of string. Now, why am I telling you this story? It's 
to prove a point. If I can do everything through him who gives me 
STRING, then I should have been able to work miracles through 
that little old lady. But did I? No, I did not. Why? Because 
she's dead. 

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "I can do 
everything through him who gives me STRENGTH." He was talking 
about Jesus.

THELMA -- Oh, so I don't have to go fly a kite?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "And my God will KNEAD all you MEATS." Ladies and 
gentlemen, what kind of stupid conclusion is this? Where is it 
mentioned in the Bible that God will tenderized you meats? I 
looked in my concordance under tenderizing, kneading, and even 
beating. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Wherever meat is 
mentioned in the Bible there is never mention of beating it, 
tenderizing it or kneading it. Now, if our pastor wants to 
justify buying a cheap cut of meat and beating on until it's 
tender, let him do it. But, why is he wasting our time on Sunday 
morning on such a narrow and stupid topic? The next thing we'll 
be hearing about on Sunday morning is Biblical barbeque 
techniques. Or how about this one? Let's get controversial. 
Should we salt the meat before or after we turn it? Or maybe we 
should have equal time sermons for those in our congregation who 
are vegetarians. How about a sermon on the many serving 
suggestions of tofu? How ridiculous can you get?! Who cares? If 
our pastor wants to knead his steaks before he cooks them, I for 
one don't care to hear about it. But it is utterly ridiculous to 
think that God himself will KNEAD all your MEATS.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "And God will 
MEET all your NEEDS."

THELMA -- Oh, so, he probably won't be talking about tofu either?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Because he himself suffered when he was TENTED, he 
is able to help those who are being TENTED." Ladies and 
gentlemen, I have seen some ridiculous sermons topics in my 
life, but this wins the prize. I read through all four of the 
gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, and I could not find a 
single passage in the Bible that supports our pastor's 
contention that Jesus was ever in a tent. So, what is our pastor 
basing his sermon on? The Koran? Okay, Okay, let's assume that 
some non-biblical historian somehow alluded to Jesus in a tent. 
And, granted, a lot of people in Jesus' day lived in tents. But 
hardly anybody in the world today to lives in tents. So, why 
waste a perfectly good sermon on tents. Am I missing something 
here? Or is our pastor underhandedly promoting camping? In that 
case, what's next? A sermon about a weiny roasts? How about one 
on somemores? How about a sermon on digging latrines? If this all 
sounds a little ridiculous to you, I urge you to write or call 
your pastor and tell him that you don't care to hear about those 
who are being tented.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Because he 
himself suffered when he was TEMPTED, he is able to help those 
who are being TEMPTED".

THELMA -- TEMPTED not tented?

ANNOUNCER -- That's correct.

THELMA -- Oh, so, so I don't have to buy a back pack?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Therefore there is now no COMMENDATION for those 
who are in Christ Jesus." Well, I have just one thing to say to 
our pastor. (Raspberry) If he doesn't think there is any 
COMMENDATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, then exactly 
what is it when our names are entered into the Book of Life? If 
that's not COMMENDATION, what is? What is our pastor looking 
for? Does he want his name on a theater marquee? "Now playing in 
heaven, Pastor Big Mouth." Or maybe he rather have his name in 
six foot high letters dragging behind one of those little piper 
cubs over the football stadium. I can envision it now. "Pastor 
Wind Bag has been saved."  Or maybe he'd rather have his name 
flashed from the flashcard section at half-time. "Yay, Pastor 
Heresy. Go Pastor Hot Shot." Or maybe he'd rather have his name 
on TV. Yeah, that's it. "And now here's the five day forecast. 
Late night and early morning clouds along the coast. Clearing 
before noon. And Pastor Big Shot will finally make it into 
heaven." For crying out loud! How much more COMMENDATION does 
our ding bat pastor want, anyway?

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Therefore 
there is now no CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

THELMA -- Oh, so, I don't need my pom poms?

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind. 




ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with 
FOOD." Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, what kind of garbage is 
our pastor feeding us now? Is this a new theology? Is our pastor 
saying that if someone wrongs us, we're supposed to give him a 
TWINKY? If I'm at a party and the pastor's wife comes up to me 
and asks me if I've put on weight, am I supposed to offer her a 
piece of chocolate cheese cake? Where is that to be found in the 
Bible? I ask you. Let's suppose for a second that your church 
gives a banquet and the Pastor's wife, who is supposed to read 
off a complete list of the names of all the people who cooked 
and served the food for the banquet. And suppose the pastor's 
wife just happens to mention everybody's name except yours and 
you worked harder than anybody else on the banquet committee. 
Can you think of anything more evil than that? Now, what am I 
supposed to do with a thoughtless, evil woman like that? Am I 
supposed to offer her a plate of lasagne as if nothing happened? 
And just because his wife is an evil, vile woman, our pastor 
is now telling us to overcome evil with FOOD.

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Do not be 
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with GOOD."

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Nevermind. 

ANNOUNCER -- And that's our "Editorial of the Air" for....

THELMA -- Thoughtless, evil woman....

ANNOUNCER -- I believe the quote was "overcome evil with GOOD."

THELMA -- Stick it in your ear, bub. She can get her own 
lasagne.

ANNOUNCER -- Good night, everybody.





ANNOUNCER -- And now it's time for "Editorial of the Air": a 
critical look at our pastor's sermon last Sunday. And here with 
tonight's dissenting viewpoint is Thelma Fogey . Miss Fogey.

THELMA -- Huh? Speak up, will you? I can't hear you when you 
mumble.

ANNOUNCER -- You're on.

THELMA -- Oh, ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am really 
alarmed at the lies and deceit being spread by our pastor. In 
his last sermon he said, and I quote. (aside) See, I wrote it 
down, word for word. 

(paper noise)

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma, Miss Fogey. It won't do you any good to 
hold up the piece of paper. This is a radio program. Noone can 
see the paper.

THELMA -- Oh. (pause) Where was I?

ANNOUNCER -- You were quoting our pastor...

THELMA -- Oh, yes. Here it is on this piece of paper. He said 
and I quote: "Even though I walk through the valley of the 
shadow of death, I will HEAR NO EAGLES." Well, ladies and 
gentlemen, I think our pastor's own words have finally condemned 
him. If YOU are walking through the valley of the the shadow of 
death are you going to worry about a handful of birds? What 
kind of nonsense is this? Our pastor is worried about EAGLES? 
Why EAGLES? Has our pastor finally lost his grip on the gospel 
and wandered into the arena of endangered species? Has he 
finally gone around the bend and joined those left-wing 
environmentalist wackos, who wear a crown of daisies on their 
heads and dance in circles and sing, (sings) "I'd like to sing 
the world a song and sing in harmony." They make me sick! 
They're all decadent, new age, pantheistic pagans.... tree 
hugging communist pinkos! And our pastor has lowered himself 
into their slimy pit. And why? Was it for the cause of saving 
lost souls? No! It was over a handful of mangey, stinking 
birds. EAGLES. I will HEAR NO EAGLES. Can you believe it?!

ANNOUNCER -- Ah, Thelma? I believe the quote was "Even though I 
walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will FEAR no 
EVIL."

THELMA -- EVIL? EVIL doesn't have any feathers.

ANNOUNCER -- No.

THELMA -- Nevermind.


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