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NAAMAN   6'1m1f Elisha cures Naaman's leprosy, refuses reward

(knock, knock, knock, door open)

ALICE --- (hussy) I'm sorry, we gave at the office... Well! 
Aren't you a big boy!

NAAMAN -- (manly man) I thought the prophet Elisha would be a 
man. You're not a man.

ALICE --- I'm glad you noticed, big guy. You're not so bad 
looking yourself.

NAAMAN -- Well, are you Elisha or not?

ALICE --- Not. Say, with shoulders like that, I'll bet you're 
either a wrestler or a shot putter.

NAAMAN -- I'm neither. I'm the commander of King Aram's army. 
Who are you?

ALICE --- Well! I've heard of you! You're one of the most famous 
military strategists in the world. My mother always said that I 
would do well do marry a soldier. My name is Alice. I'm Elisha's 
housekeeper. And your name is right on the tip of my tongue.

NAAMAN -- Can I talk to Elisha. He's expecting me.

ALICE --- What's your hurry, big fella. Elisha is not nearly as 
good looking as me. So, what was your name again, gorgeous?

NAAMAN -- Naaman. My name is Naaman. Can you please tell him 
it's me. He's expecting me.

ALICE --- He asked me never to disturb him when he's praying and 
he's praying all day.

NAAMAN -- But he's expecting me. Listen, this won't take long. 
I'm not going to spend the night or anything. Can you just ask 
him to come to the door?

ALICE --- I can, but I can't tell you right now, he's not coming. 
So, why don't you and me get acquainted?

NAAMAN -- But he's GOT to see me! He promised!

ALICE --- Hey, don't get your shorts in a bunch, big guy. 
Alright, alright, I'll ask him. I'll just tell him Commander 
Naaman is at the door. It might help if I tell him why you're 
here. Do you want him to prophecy your future? He's a prophet, 
you know. He's real good at telling the future. Maybe matrimony 
is in your future...

NAAMAN -- Just tell him I have leprosy.

ALICE --- On the other hand, marriage isn't for everyone. I'll 
be right back. You stay outside.

(door close, knock, knock, knock) 

NAAMAN -- Please don't lock me out. Elisha! Elisha! If you can 
hear me in there, please come out and cure me.

(door open)

ALICE --- Keep your voice down. Do you want the neighbors to 
know that we've got a leper at our door?

NAAMAN -- Did you tell him I was here? Will he cure my 
(whispers) leprosy?

ALICE --- He says it's a piece of cake. He says the Lord can do 
anything. Say, you should have told me about the leprosy right 
away. I mean, that stuff is contagious, you know...

NAAMAN -- Listen, I hate to be rude, but I drove my chariot a 
hundred miles to get here. When is he coming out here to cure 
me?

ALICE --- Getting a little testy, are we? Alright, Mr high and 
might army commander, the boss is still praying, like I said, so 
he won't see you today.

NAAMAN -- (agitated) But how am I going to get cured if he...

ALICE --- Cool your jets. I was coming to that. The boss says to 
go wash yourself in the Jordan River.

NAAMAN -- That's it? That's what I drove a hundred miles for? To 
wash myself in a dirty river. I could have done that back home. 
If fact the rivers back home are cleaner than the Jordan. (afar) 
I'm out of here.

ALICE --- It's not the washing or the river that will cure you, 
bone head.

NAAMAN -- (afar) What?

ALICE --- It's the obedience.

NAAMAN -- (approaching) What are you talking about?

ALICE --- You're a big smart military commander and you can't 
even follow a simple order from the Lord? Would you have 
preferred to do something tougher, like pat you head and rub 
your tummy at the same time?

NAAMAN -- I get your point. Alright, what do I have to lose? 
I'll try it. I'll wash in the Jordan River.

ALICE --- Seven times.

NAAMAN -- Seven times!?

ALICE --- Hey, it's your leprosy, if you'd rather pat your head 
and rub your tummy...

NAAMAN -- Alright, alright, I'll wash, I'll wash exactly seven 
times in the Jordan River. No more, no less. (fading) I'll see 
you later.

ALICE --- (shouting) Yeah, maybe if you get cured you and I 
can... (normal) Hey, wait a minute. What am I saying? What if he 
doesn't get cured? He kills people for a living.

(door close, knock, knock, knock)

(muted) Listen, Commander Naaman, if you didn't get cured, it 
wasn't my fault.

NAAMAN -- It worked! It worked! My leprosy is gone! Praise the 
Lord God of Israel!

(door open)

ALICE --- I never had a doubt about it. So, Naaman, baby, how 
about you and me...

NAAMAN -- May I see the prophet Elisha? I want to give him this 
gold and silver.

ALICE --- Well, say, if it's gold and silver you're giving away, 
I'll be glad to take it off your hands. Elisha doesn't accept 
gifts for doing miracles, but I'm a bit more flexible on the 
subject. I'm sure I can find some needy people to give it to.

NAAMAN -- Alright, then, here you are. (afar) See you later.

ALICE --- On the other hand needy people are so... needy. What 
would they do with all this gold and silver, anyway. They'd just 
blow it on food and clothing.

NAAMAN -- (approaching) While I'm giving to the needy, I should 
probably give this bolt of beautiful purple cloth. The poor can 
always use some...

ALICE --- What... What's the matter?

NAAMAN -- Oh, nothing. Oh, say, will you look at the time. I 
have to be going.

ALICE --- What. You saw something. What did you see? Is it my 
face? What.

NAAMAN -- (afar) Listen, I just got rid of my leprosy. I'd better 
keep my distance.

ALICE --- Leprosy? You mean I've got leprosy?

NAAMAN -- (afar) Listen, I'm really sorry if your caught leprosy 
from me, but I really have to be going.

ALICE --- No wait! I didn't catch it from you. Elisha gave it to 
me for taking gifts from you. Here take them back.

NAAMAN -- (afar) Right. You want me to touch them after you 
touched them. Well, I have an army to run, some battles to win. 
See ya.

ALICE --- (fading) Wait a minute. I can wash the gold. Or better 
yet, I'll just put it into your chariot for you. You won't have 
to touch it at all.

NAAMAN -- (fading) Sorry. Hyah! Gitty up, horses, Hyah!


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