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JEZEBEL  5'1m1f Jezebel gets land for Ahab, no money down

(door open, closed)

JEZEBEL - (sexy voice, afar) Ahab, darling, I'm home. (shouts) 
Oh, King Ahab, your queen is home. Where are you?

AHAB ---- (wimp, dejected, afar) I'm in here, Jezebel.

JEZEBEL - Ahab, darling, you'll be so happy to know that I 
cheated lots of people out of lots of money today. And those I 
couldn't cheat, I had them killed. Oh, and I found a brand new 
idol to worship today, you ought to see this one. He's so 
darling.

AHAB ---- That's nice, dear.

JEZEBEL - Ahab, darling, is something wrong?

AHAB ---- Oh, nothing.

JEZEBEL - Ahab, darling, the people of Israel are counting on 
you to be thoroughly depraved and disgusting. But if you're in a 
mood like that, the best you could possibly be is unlikable. 
Come on now, tell your little Jezebel what's wrong.

AHAB ---- Well, you know I went to visit Naboth today to buy his 
vineyard next to the palace here?

JEZEBEL - Oh, yes! Tell me, darling, did you take him for all he 
was worth?

AHAB ---- Well, I started out being shrewd, just like you taught 
me, love. But he kept saying "the land is not for sale". So, I 
offered him fair market value for it.

JEZEBEL - You didn't!

AHAB ---- But he still wouldn't budge. He said the land has been 
in his family for hundreds of years. 

JEZEBEL - He was just trying to jack up the price, darling.

AHAB ---- That's what I thought too. So, finally, I offered him 
one of my own vineyards in exchange for it. You know, the one in 
over in the valley. It's twice as good as his.

JEZEBEL - You didn't!

AHAB ---- I did. But he still wouldn't budge. He said "It's like 
selling a family heirloom."

JEZEBEL - Sooooo. He's a man of principle, heh? I hate people 
like that. You can't buy them off.

AHAB ---- I wanted that land for my vegetable garden, lovey. I 
always wanted a vegetable garden next to my palace. And now I'll 
NEVER have a vegetable garden.

JEZEBEL - Oh, yes, you will.

AHAB ---- I will?

JEZEBEL - Of course, you will. You're the most disgusting king 
in the middle east.

AHAB ---- Thank you, dear.

JEZEBEL - You can have anything you want.

AHAB ---- I can?

JEZEBEL - Yes, you can. You're going to call a special meeting.

AHAB ---- I am?

JEZEBEL - Yes and you're going to invite Naboth to the meeting.

AHAB ---- Why am I going to do that, Jezebel?

JEZEBEL - Because right in the middle of the meeting, the two 
men sitting on either side of him are going to stand up and 
accuse Naboth of cursing God and my precious little King Ahab.

AHAB ---- Why, he would never curse God. He loves God.

JEZEBEL - Shut up. I'm plotting here. Then, they're going to 
drag him out of the meeting and stone him to death. Then you can 
take possession of the vineyard. How does that sound, darling?

AHAB ---- Well, I did want Naboth's vineyard. But, I'm not sure 
I ought to...

JEZEBEL - (shouts) Do you want the vineyard or not?

AHAB ---- Well, sure, but I don't want...

JEZEBEL - Give me your signet ring.

AHAB ---- You want my signet ring? Why do you want my...

JEZEBEL - Just give me the ring!

AHAB ---- Please don't be mad at me, lovey. Here. Here's my 
royal ring.

JEZEBEL - Good. Now I just seal this letter with your ring... 
like... that. And in a few days the vineyard will be yours. 

(open door)

See you in a few days, Ahab, darling.

(door close, door open)

AHAB ---- Jezebel! You're home already?

JEZEBEL - This is radio, darling. Things happen quickly on the 
radio.

AHAB ---- Oh. Yes, of course. And several days have passed, 
right?

JEZEBEL - Right, and now you have your vegetable garden.

AHAB ---- Yeah.

JEZEBEL - Well, why aren't you out there grapevines, Ahab, 
darling?

AHAB ---- I was working in the vineyard this morning, as soon as 
I heard the news about... your know... poor Naboth, when a 
prophet of God named Elijah came into the garden and scolded me 
for murdering Naboth and stealing his vineyard.

JEZEBEL - So, did you lop off his head?

AHAB ---- No, dear, you already had Naboth stoned to death, 
remember?

JEZEBEL - I'm not talking about Naboth, you nitwit. I'm talking 
about this Elijah. I've had just about enough of his God-talk. 
Did you give the order to have him killed?

AHAB ---- No, dear. I repented in sack cloth and ashes. I don't 
want to be depraved and disgusting anymore.

JEZEBEL - Why would you let Elijah talk you into repenting?

AHAB ---- The Lord told him that if you and I didn't repent, the 
dogs and birds of the air would feed off our dead bodies.


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